TOOTHLESS IN SALIDA

(Poncha Springs) After a month-long postal investigation it appears that Melvin Toole’s newly acquired store teeth may be cooling their gums over in Salida. He can’t eat anything but baby food. He’s losing weight. He’s upset.

On Thursday, August 6 Toole mailed his new false teeth from his Cranor Hill address to a dental office on Slaughterhouse Road for cleaning. Toole was not aware that all mail sent in town in Gunnison travels to Salida first. The teeth never made it.

“In all fairness to the postal service, this is a rare foul up,” said Karma Stampe, a third class administrative assistant from Denver. “We just don’t lose mail.”

Whether the chompers are in Salida or somewhere in between is still not clear. Toole admits that he did not include a return address or buy insurance on the teeth.

“They were only traveling across town, or so I thought,” he whined. “If I would have known it was going to be an epic journey I would have at least packed them a light lunch.”

Several citizens groups including the Highball Dance Ensemble and the Gunnison Association for Fallen Away Hibernians have come forward offering to chew Toole’s food for him. Officials hooked up with the heralded War on Slugs have also promised to throw a little weight around in Salida.

“Maybe the teeth are in Colombia or even in the Golden Triangle,” said one slug buster.

In the meantime Toole languishes under the perfumed awning at his marmot ranch north of Gunnison, a man once motivated, once a major character in an unfolding drama.

“He can’t even brush his gums without breaking down,” said Nettie Twyne, his live-in companion of 86 years. “I can’t believe the postal service could do such a thing.”

Officials in Denver told The Horseshoe that they planned to remedy the situation by sending all Gunnison in town mail to Montrose rather than Salida before returning it to its point of origination.

“That should prove more convenient,” said an official who demanded anonymity.

– Dinty Moore

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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