Toole assertion of sexual indiscretions reaches climax

Ageless scribe, Melvin Toole (102), has released his final hit list of women who allegedly made sexual advances and in some cases groped him in 2017. Included are Jessica Alba, Emma Watson, Penelope Cruz, Eva Longoria and Cameron Diaz.

Most of the women on Toole’s preposterous roster chose not to comment on the development while several lashed out.

”He sat there at Matteo’s in his too tight paisley pants,” said Cameron Diaz, laughing at the accusation. “Wrapped up tightly in a sweat shop Gap hoodie and matching sweat socks, representing everything I don’t look for in a partner.”

Toole scoffed at the reaction saying she does not remember a night back in either August or December when the two met at a fundraiser for Jerry Brown. The list goes on:

“Jessica Simpson, Megan Fox and Katy Perry acted inappropriately toward me in the summer. I hate being used, being seen as simply sexy and nothing more,” whined Toole. “I thought it was just a coincidence that these women had become aggressive. Then I realized they were networking and bragging about their exploitation techniques. How insensitive…How cavalier!”

One of those under the microscope, Kim Kardashian said, “I only had lunch with him because he had secured a table at Miceli’s. Having been warned as to the development of his table manners I wore a raincoat. Nothing kinky, just something I could easily launder after the meal was completed.”

Jenifer Lopez, Carrie Underwood, Anna Ivanovic…the list goes on. One well-known model from Apalachicola, who demanded anonymity, echoed the responses of the others.

“I once watched at him talking to himself across the largest plaza in South America and that was too close for me. These charges are ludicrous and I think most rational people understand this.”

“He’s a witless moron,” said “Selena Gomez who was not yet on the lust list at news deadline. “None of these woman would come close enough to that bozo to sign an autograph much less engage in misconduct.”

For more turn to Penis Inquisition Grows as more politicians and celebrities are accused of making improper advances toward others.

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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