Tonto Quits

The renowned crime fighting duo, (and local heroes) the Lone Ranger and Tonto are calling it curtains after almost a century riding together.

Tonto, the generally trusted Native American friend of the Lone Ranger, aka Masked Man, was reportedly the one who initiated the split. The famed side-kick will be leaving the team to open a national fast food franchise called Kimosabe’s, another poorly ventilated, bad pizza and beer joint.

Already saddle chatter indicates that there may be legal conflicts over the use of the name Kimosabe since it was copyrighted in the names of both of the crime fighting characters in 1940. Attorneys for the Lone Ranger did not return calls.

Meanwhile the Masked Man has vowed to march on. He is currently accepting resumes and conducting high-powered interviews in an attempt to fill the vacancy created by the buckskinned Tonto, a name which can often mean dummy or stupid in Spanish. Since Tonto is a minority, the Ranger has elected to choose a new companion/backup from a host of such groups.

“I am going to have to put a lot of thought into this,” said the Ranger. “Fans are quite used to The Lone Ranger and Tonto. You know…it has a certain ring to it. I will just have to continue the search until I find a person with the right sounding name.”

Applicants should be “submissive yet brave, attentive yet private, poker faced yet expressive,” according to the Ranger. “Flashy dressers will not be considered for the post and culinary skills are a plus.”

The dilemma is overwhelming. So far the Masked Man has come up with “The Lone Ranger and O’Leary”,  “The Lone Ranger and Moskowitz”, “The Lone Ranger and Wang”, “The Lone Ranger and Washington”, “The Lone Range and Ms. Wilkens” and “The Lone Ranger and Martinez”.

Any interested parties should email the Lone Ranger: silverandaway@hihoranch. 

-Fred Zeppelin 

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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