Toilet Paper Giants To Meet

(Montrose) CEOs from the nation’s ten largest toilet paper manufacturers are slated to meet here next month to discuss the future of the industry. Along with their extended entourage the visitors will bring along over 1000 support personnel. The economic impact is expected to be felt all the way to Colona.

The consortium of sorts is heralded as a great triumph for a multitude of tax-funded economic development committees active in the region. In addition to wiping away many years of antagonism among the principles, the three-day conference is expected to tackle the issue of hemp replacement options as well as concerns over hygiene in developing countries.

“This is a major breakthrough in trade, production and inter-commerce,” said Dolly Sans-Paddle, CEO of Waste Not Want Not, headquartered over in Dung Creek. “The age of political correctness, hydraulics and curious sound bytes has caught us with our pants down and we must be ready to flush our antiquated approach at a moment’s notice. It is no longer sufficient to put the seat up, or down as the case may dictate.”

Sans-Paddle further warned that social media has created an abundance of synthetic fecal matter that is overtaxing our already wobbly infrastructure, especially where the sun don’t shine.

“And no, we don’t like the new driverless toilets either,” she continued, “but they are here to stay and we must respond quickly and efficiently. We must diversify. Failure to perceive the future could easily send many of our loyal customers back to the bucket or the car wash.

Insiders told the local media that specific topics to be addressed at the summit would not be released and that the group was quite secretive with regards to its business. Preliminary crews should start to roll in by early June.

-Paula Parvenu

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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