(Winston-Salem, NC) The average tobacco company executive calls his mother on Sundays, never misses a family birthday and loves little puppies according to a recently released personality sketch by hired gun publicists for the American Tobacco Association.

The bosses dress nice, are well educated as to foreign markets, have never been involved in the White slave trade, did not vote for Joe Stalin, are not on welfare, have a strong interest in youth, and do not smoke.

The data was collected by polling the top tobacco executives in North Carolina.

In addition pollsters found that the average exec was trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.

The National Rifle Association and the Republican Party disavowed rumors that a similar survey may be exercised within the ranks of these entities.

– Jerry Mandering

“Democracy and stupidity just don’t mix.”  – Alex Hamilton


Filed Under: Soft News


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