Thousands Illegally on Endangered List

(Montrose) Thousands of Americans are illicitly included on the Endangered Species Roster according to an Interior Department spokesperson here. The situation, which has been out of hand since mobs of illegal immigrants began crossing the U.S. border in the Seventies, is getting worse.

     Desperate people feel that inclusion on the endangered list might net them citizenship, benefits or even financial assistance somewhere down the road according to the source.

“They are making it difficult for the people who are legitimately endangered and have a Constitutional right to government programs and help,” said the spokesperson. “If these numbers continue to grow we may have to scrap the entire concept and let nature take its corpse.”

Most data suggests that 70% of the names currently listed on the roster belong there. The other 30% is made up of persons, citizens or not, who feel that their best hope for the future is to be technically endangered.

“Nobody’s hunting brown-nosed ferrets or humpback ptarmigans anymore, are they?” smiled the Interior Department memo writer. “We don’t blame these people for wanting a better life but they’re messing up our statistics, and we don’t like that. It’s pretty much an economic issue that may require bringing home all of our troops to man the borders in the near future.”

At present there are no politicians on the master list. Likewise lawyers, cell phone salesmen, pimps, television evangelists and developers are markedly absent.

By definition, species that are at risk today or may not survive tomorrow due to decreasing numbers are included on the endangered list but only after Congressional approval. Many of the persons who are currently on the register fit well on this grid despite the fact that the planet’s human population is exploding.

“What we have here is a desperate surge toward survival by persons who cannot find other forms of refuge,” said the federal source. “The solution is simple enough: We need to create some new official gov’ment categories and more lists to join so that these intruders can gain a sense of belonging. Then we can go about our primary business of putting wild animals into zoos for their own protection. We hate to see people being made into criminals just because they have no other options.”

Meanwhile the Bush Administration has given persons who are on the list illegally until March to turn themselves in or face deportation.

– Fred Zeppelin

“No dar papaya!” – Don’t leave valuables around tempting people to steal. Lit: “Don’t give your money (away).

Filed Under: Soft News


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