The Burgeoning Toilet Paper Virus

(Montrose) A friend just sent me a photo of empty shelves at a Montrose chain store and it set me thinking….What if there is no toilet paper left in the region when I return from my winter residency in Colombia in May?

What will I do if I can’t buy toilet paper in the tri-county area? The intensity of the current panic doesn’t bode well for my safeguarding instincts and/or my hoarding prospects. So I’m asking for a favor: If you read this article would you buy me a roll and deliver it to my front porch in Colona. Surely I have enough friends that will help me out on this. (I’d give my exact address but I’m worried about identity theft.)

And maybe bring over a few jugs of milk even though I don’t particularly like the stuff and those big bottles of Perrier?

Is there a run on the liquor stores too? I’d hate to run out of vodka what with all this talk about quarantines and lockdowns. Will the marijuana dispensaries stay open in a crisis? What about candles, pizza delivery and bullets?

One reader suggested I use old copies of the San Juan Horseshoe but it’s just not the same. Another said I’d be better off staying here in South America until the consumer emergency wears off. Still others asked if the gov’ment would not solve these health disasters flung onto the United States from the redoubts of foreign calamity.

Toilet paper provocatively displayed in Colombia

One person advised that I buy what I need on Amazon and have it delivered. After checking I found that the distribution giant usually sells Charmin for $27 for 24 rolls but that the product is currently unavailable for an undisclosed length of time. Hmmm.

This morning one of the leading newspapers in Medellin carried a well-researched piece about attempts to smuggle toilet paper into the US wrapped in bags of cocaine. The story, while amusing and a credit to investigative journalism has not been substantiated. Nor were rumors that Canada and several Latin American countries were cutting off all exports of toilet paper (an estimated 10% of all domestic consumption) to the United States in its time of need.

I hate to cut this article short while I’m on a roll, but I’m done obsessing about comfort levels, wild-eyed catastrophes and the binding accessories taken for granted in our daily functions.

So what if I ran out of toilet paper! I have a shotgun. Anyone with a loaded shotgun can get toilet paper quickly and discreetly, no questions asked.

– Gabby Haze

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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