Tenure Records Gone

Missing Link to the Past Nets Legitimacy Chaos at WSCU

(Gunnsion) Verification of faculty tenure at Western State University is pretty much anyone’s guess these days with the disclosure that the Tomichi Tenure Tabernacle has been misplaced. Blamed on maintenance personnel, the loss could affect future class loads,publishing merits, academic contracts and research grants.

“It was here just the other day,” said one administrator who only gave her name as Doctor someone.

The arch, or tabernacle as it is called by the faithful, was moved once in 1999 due to the threat of a forest fire in the region and again when the Hell’s Angels came to Gunnison in 2010.

“Since we are a state institution we must adhere to state regulations when it comes to fire,” said the administration spokesman. “That means we have to keep at least two buckets of tepid water and a folding shovel at hand. As far as pacifying motorcycle gangs goes there is no one of staff with that kind of expertise.”

 Many think the data was lost during the recent transition from college to university status since mounds of records were tossed and ancient files hauled to the dump.

Tenure is the magic status that allows faculty members to do whatever they want without having to answer to the people who write the checks at the college. Some students have attained a kind of backdoor tenure at WSCU by taking six or seven years to complete a four-year curriculum.

A strip search, planned for on-campus dorms was canceled Friday after threats from the Civil Liabilities Union. Legend has it that the tenure records were engraved on two sets of stoned tablets believed to be sent down from W Mountain (www.mountain.com) after one football coach or the other led the Department of Kinesiology out of slavery at Adams State College (splitting Blue Mesa in two in a diversionary tactic aimed at approaching Gunnison from the west). Unlike its rather weak and suspicious Red Sea counterpart the entire incident was filmed by a fisherman from Oklahoma who has reportedly been indicted for blackmail and employing live bait in a restricted area.

A popular film, entitled The Ten Regents loosely chronicles the event. It stars Charlatan Festoon and will be presented during NRA Week on campus in October.

A reward in the form of tuition credits is offered for the return of the sacred chest/taberbacle.

– Jack Spratt

“The only bull I know who carried his china closet with him.” – Winston Churchill in reference to then Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, the arrogant, puritanical architect of American foreign policy after World War II

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