TATTOOS MAY ADD YEARS TO LIFE

(Needle Rock, CA) Adorning the body with tattoos may have some positive effects according to a new study just released by the School of Psychometrics at Cal Polygamy. According to clear findings people with tattoos live longer, on average, than people without the designs.

Of the subjects tested back in March of 1955 and again in May of 1965, then interviewed in 1995 and 2018 almost 90% of those who had tattoos are still kicking. Many had worked as sailors, often from merchant marine ships and fishing trawlers.

“There were far more of these old salt types still alive in 1990 than there are in 2018,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, (of the Gladstone Pennywhistles mind you) chair of the department. “We’ll just have to write that off to inflation. The survey does have a built in inaccuracy component of 14% which is a bit high for these kinds of studies.”

The researchers do not yet know what they will do with the findings until all the data can be further scrutinized and be offset with other similar studies. At present neither the FDA or the AMA have endorsed the displaying of tattoos, or even body piercing, despite links to booster shots and the uses of leeches in treatment.

Reaction within the tattoo and body painting community was guarded with advocacy groups insisting tattoos were “never about mortality, and certainly not morality.”

Local parlors report a slight upturn in walk-in traffic but nothing dramatic.

“We always see a lot of new faces around the holidays,” said Syd Fahrdt, owner of Seaweed Tattoo in Delta. “I don’t know what we’re gonna do with all these toothless tattooed people living into their Nineties and more. “The strain on social services is already out of control here,”

Any connection between these discoveries and the well documented attempt by Argentine surgeons to transplant a human ego into a slab of beef have not been established.

– Small Mouth Bess

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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