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RANCHERS PRESERVED FOR PERPETUITY

Ridgway) In an attempt to sustain the cowboy culture, seven local ranchers have been preserved thanks to donations from an assortment of conservation entities.

Although details are sketchy at press time (and the cows are in the corn) it appears that the lucky seven have been soaked in a formula of turpentine, ditch water and honey.

“In just a few hours these guys will not only be protected from the elements and aging,” said an open space advocate, “but never again will we see subdivisions built right on top of their heads.”

Local residents, shocked at first by such new age planning, say rampant development threatens to destroy their lifestyle and that 35-acre rancheros and golf courses often crush their cowboy hats.

More on this as we make it up.

 

“An agnostic is just an atheist without balls.” – Stephen Colbert

Highway 550 Shipped to Denver

(Colona) Colorado State Highway 550 will be transported to C-Dot bunkers in Denver as part to a plan to repair the road before tourists begin arriving in May. The principal artery will be hauled away in 5-mile increments and restored “in just a day or three months” according to officials familiar with this sort of excavation.

What this means for motorists accustomed to using the thoroughfare was not particularly clear this morning. Royal bridge builders and road maintenance engineers have already begun stockpiling massive piles of beetle kill near the roadway leading observers to believe that material will substitute for the more traditional asphalt. Until we know more it is apparent that venture brain trusts will persevere and the people will endure.

That stretch of highway from Montrose to Ouray has always given us trouble,” said Willy “The Pirate” MacLeish of C-DOT.  “And that says nothing of its bastard cousins “The Three Saints” – Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank Passes on the way to Durango.

There was no mention of conduits further south to Farmington since C-DOT does not recognize the sitting government in New Mexico and prefers to ignore all reference to the state, much like the EPA, which is allegedly engaged in a giveaway of public lands and the ED, which offers equal and inferior education to all.

The whole damn highway needs a lesson in humility,” continued MacLeish. “The highways in The Pale (The Confront Range) come first and these hick paths can just wait their turn. So what if thy were built based on traffic in 1965.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL CANADIANS:

from Seamus McGinty, Skibbereen, Cork, Republic of Ireland

Please be careful with Harry and Meghan. Centuries ago when we allowed English gentry, not to mention royals, to land on our coast, things went bad fast. Cheers!

Bibliophiles must register in Montrose County

(Simms Mesa) Persons convicted of literary crimes must register with local law enforcement agencies after February 15. These generally well-read, often erudite offenders will remain on a Colorado database for 6 months.

After that time these bookish felons must renew/update vital information including address and telephone number so as to earn a safe conduct passage, dismissively referred to as a library card during more archaic periods of book burnings and pious interdiction.

Person deemed guilty of risk levels higher than 1.5, on a scale of 1 to 10, will be monitored for indications of loud talking, loitering and in some cases destruction of checked out items. Overdue fines could be levied and usually are when the person fails to honor his/her contracted responsibilities according to Penal Code 86R-Y, established in 2008.

Furthermore, the much-maligned Bookends Project demands that suspect persons must submit to indiscriminate ordeals and surgical diagnosis if behavioral patterns persist. Physicians may then prescribe colorful pills and failsafe injections (inoculations, vaccinations, flu shots) in hopes of driving out the parasitic demons of these so-called bookworms.

Bibliophiles who ignore this warning could face fines (compiled daily), loss of inter-library privileges and banishment to the Dark Ages.

-Tommy Middlefinger

For more turn to Celtophiles- Scourge of Connemara in your prayer books.

County Votes on Changing Era Milestones

County Votes on Changing Era Milestones

“Before Marie and After Marie”

(Ridgway) Long-accepted era abbreviations BC and AD may soon become BM and AM around these parts if voters here have their way. The new designations, honoring the late Marie Scott, a legendary rancher in Pleasant Valley, will be adopted immediately if the referendum passes.

The proposed measuring tools BM (Before Marie) and AM (After Marie) are expected to have an impact in a community where the many of the new residents are not familiar with the generous Scott who ran a tight ship, managing her large ranches hands-on. In so many ways she lived a lifestyle akin to the 19th Century.

“If she liked you, you could have anything she had,” said Bill Domka, a former neighbor who grew up around Scott. “If she didn’t like you, you best not come onto the property.”

The icon of it all, Marie Scott outside her home near Ridgway  the 50s

The secular time capsules, indicating centuries before and after the Christian era are generally well balanced. The new eras are lopsided since Marie wasn’t born until 1896. (She passed in 1979). Before and during her life of Ridgway was still a wild place. Then, following her death it began to change – some for the good – some not, depending on one’s perspective.

“That’s only 83 years to the outsider but when one considers the impact she had locally it all makes sense,” said another rancher who worked with Marie for over 6 decades.

It is hoped that the new era milestones will encourage newer residents to embrace the rich local history of the region rather than settling for a transitory status in a poor man’s Telluride. Woman in particular don’t have to look far for inspiration. No saint, Marie exhibited the qualities necessary for survival in what was certainly a world and vocation dominated by men. She was tough enough to win and kind enough to help a lot of people along the way.

Those of us who knew her remember her fondly in her cowboy duds with that red hair and rouge on her cheeks. She wore Levis or Wranglers but never washed a pair. When they got dirty she simply bought more giving the old pairs away or throwing them in the garbage. That was her very own brand of extravagance, her luxury. Not the least bit eccentric she talked to her dog a lot, delivered steaks from Safeway to needy families at Christmas, and loved to drive her red jeep all over her land, checking cows, inspecting ditches and giving the forest service hell for one thing or another.

A classic original, she and her world will never be replaced.

– Kevin Haley

 

FREE SKI AND BOBBY MCGEE

from a few years ago…

…when Crested Butte offered free skiing during a few days early in the season.
with apologies to Kris Kristopherson

Busted flat in Gunnison

waitin’ for the dump.

Been feelin’ bout as jaded

as my means.

Bobby flagged a pickup down

just before it snowed.

Rode it all the way

to Crested Butte.

Held onto my goggles

and my dirty red bandana

banking curves

while Bobby sang the blues.

Hungry magpies

makin’ time

holding Booby’s hand in line

We sang every song

that lift op knew.

Skiing’s just another word

for nothing much to do.

The skiing ain’t worth nothin’

‘less it’s  free.

Feelin good was easy, Lord

when he missed a tree.

Feelin good was good

enough for me

Good enough for free ski

and Bobby McGee.

One day near East River

Lord, I let him slip away

He’s lookin’ for those bumps

and I hope he finds them

And I’d trade all my adventures

for one single powder day

to be holdin’ Bobby’s body

next to mine.

(Repeat chorus).

AVALANCHE BOLTING RESULTS

January, 2020

Grif Gnat Powder Bowl, Utah

Toole 7:333.7. Only finish.

Summer Seed Foursomes, Alberta

Toole 5:224.9; Toole 5:223.8;

Toole 5:198.6; Toole 4:996.8

Eversore, Montana

Toole 5:933.8

Mud Meadows,Montana

Toole in the lead at  5:119.3

Cracked Corn Snow Bowl, CO

Toole 5:299.4

Figures compliments of Runner’s World

and Spatula Pavement Inc.

For more Sports see the

2020 Major League Baseball predictions

on the Financial Page.

 

“So many vermin – so little dynamite.”

From Skewers and Sewers by Carlos Rodentia

Testosterone Brothers, New York