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State highway employees to don red

(Montrose) Out with the orange and in with the red. That’s the word at the Colorado Division of Transportation today. Early this morning in a moving, private ceremony highway crews turned in their flashy orange uniform shirts and jackets for a more definitive red.    

The action, in keeping populist federal dress codes (MAG caps), assures the smooth flow of federal highway funds to Colorado for the next fiscal year. Although seen as petty by many the new regulations seek to unify all state road crews under the same color codes. The failure to adhere to the new order could put highway funding in jeopardy. Threats to discontinue funding are clearly linked to cities and states with immigration safe zones and conflicts with federal marijuana laws.

“That orange color was driving a lot of people nuts,” said one critic of the move, “But the expenses incurred in the shift could have been translated into yards and yards of asphalt, tons and tons of gravel. The feds are simply attempting to militarize our local highway workers in the event of insurgent actions in the face of what should be a concerned population.”

At top levels, the color red, is the favorite of the Trump Administration and was preferred three to one by cooperative state officials in a recent survey, is easy to launder and looks good with blue and white on everything from flags to men working signs.

“The switch will cost a pretty penny,” admitted one state engineer, “but we think it’s worth it. The orange had outgrown its usefulness, was garish and made our people look like Halloween characters instead of highway personnel.”

When interviewed most state employees welcomed the change saying that the red shirts might be more relaxing and subtle.

“Try working eight to ten on a windy stretch of road up to your neck in blaze orange,” said one worker who spoke anonymously. “You’ve got orange shirts, hats, trim, accessories, warning signs and vehicles. Enough. The concept of a lighter shade of red can’t hurt. In a fashion sense orange is too hard to match with other colors.”

C-DOT has for years been experimenting with designs as well as color combinations so as to better protect exposed workers from danger on the roadways. Referee-like stripes, green and white checks, bright pastels, varied flesh tones and even electronic blinkers have been suggested.

“Now that the decision to go with red has been finalized we embrace the changes with the full force of our corps of workers,” said one C-DOT boss who for decades has reputedly worn orange underwear and socks, even on his days off. “I’m changing with the times,” he added. “Besides in two more years I’ll be retired and I can wear whatever I like.”

At present all official outfits must contain .08% red or be subject to fine and public ridicule.  Experts say that an entire fleet of red trucks can pass through an area all but unnoticed while one orange pickup sticks out like a sore thumb.

“We don’t want our people or our equipment to draw too much attention. We just want to get the job done and move on to the next bridge, the next chuckhole,” said the C-Dot source. “Orange was an unnecessary distraction along the highway.”

The official refused direct comment when asked if the color-coded move had any connection to Homeland Security decrees. Some elected in Denver have accused the federal gov’ment of manipulating the situation so as to implement further controls at the state level.

– Uncle Pahgre

Thought for the day

Thought for the day

Selfish Rwandan Eaten by Crockodile

A man in Rwanda who breached the ongoing lockdown to reportedly go fishing has been killed and eaten by a crocodile, the mayor of the southern Kamonyi district has told the BBC.

Alice Kayitesi said the Wednesday morning incident happened in the Nyabarongo river.

“He had broken the stay-home rule, he’s among very few people here who are not co-operating with the lockdown to stop the [corona]virus,” Ms Kayitesi said.

The authorities in Rwanda imposed a total lockdown on Sunday as cases of Covid-19 continued to rise.

The East African nation has confirmed 140 cases so far, the highest in the region.

The shutdown of economic activities in the country has severely affected majority of people who are low-income earners.

-BBC

Two ears, two wheels

Two ears, two wheels

This Easy Rider waits for his master to return from the supermarket in Jardin, Colombia.      (photo by Delinda Austin)

Speak English like a native

Speak English like a native

Our exclusive four-step package includes legal agreements, broken treaties, natural resource management and Ghost Dancing. Buckskin Impressionism linked to Tabuache dialect and the proper application of war paint. Free with purchase: Learn to speak fluent Spanish on the Beans and Rice Diet — more verbs = more onions. More vocabulary = more garlic. (photo by Friends of Colorow)

SPRING STEP HOROSCOPE

We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what’s coming to you. Directions: For personal projection simply embrace verbiage under appropriate birth sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart. Retractions printed at $9.99 per pound. We do not discard used tires. 

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Cattle prods could leave you suspicious of co-workers. Selling your soul in the market place does not guarantee residuals. Garbage truck crews rarely get rich on tips or commissions. Change expression occasionally. Silly games are their own reward. Insulate yourself from errors in judgment. The reason that you have been misled is that you are stupid. Big hearts and small brains just don’t mix well. Try gin and tonic. Twisted souls can’t walk a straight line unless it is the dotted kind. Refer to nutritional contents listed on side panel. Tonight: Sign language by the light of the moon.

TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)

Romance in and of itself is not the ultimate stumbling block. It’s your social budget that separates you from the herd. Flock off. It’s better to hang out with nice people with money than poor folks with a bad attitude. Act surreptitiously when under fire. Dictionaries and bibles make fine helmets. Dogmas need to be walked while creeds can stay home in a sunny window. If you begin to believe in yourself, Tinkerbelle fantasies cannot be far away. Choose friends and snow tires carefully. A bad penny is easier to discard than a wooden nickel. Your pocket jingle precedes you in fiscal circles. Tonight: Brood in the dark.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

Embrace fringe relationships. That person in the mirror may not be your best friend. Keep emotions at an arm’s length and the point of retreat in the rear view. Use your energy in canning technology. Play the roll of a martyr only if you get your own dressing room. The Sun is still searching for a dynamic sector of your chart. Send up a flare. Shuffle the demands of peers and soon they will disintegrate. Dismissal from jury duty is no excuse for violence. Give someone your divided attention and all three of you will come out ahead. Tonight: Follow your own lead.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

Tendencies toward the reclusive limit Neighborhood Watch. When visiting relatives soften arrivals with clear dates of your departure. Keep your options open and your mouth closed. Tolerance is only the tip of the iceberg. Recent ideas are less than brilliant. When all else fails, order a pizza. Life is a roller coaster and you must set the bar or risk a tumble at the wrong time. Mental capacities are on the Imperial unit while romance is measured in Centigrade. Loitering near the garbage truck could net a one-way ride to the landfill. Tonight: Fireflies in the corn mash.  

LEO (July 24 – August 23)

King or queen of the jungle is only a title. The real power lies within the realm of prime minister. A fish on a park bench is better than a flash in the pan. Drive-in movies are worth little at high noon. Celebrate an anniversary when you damn well feel like it. Diamonds are not in the shape of your heart. Catch and release will keep unwanted overtures on the chopping block. Passion will seek its own level even if it’s a lubricant of dreams. Your eyes may be bigger than your stomach. Tie up loose cannons. Why change oil if the engine still functions? Tonight: Limes make a persuasive case.

VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)

Don’t make a crutch of personal finances this month. Instead, a simple walking stick with a sharp end should do nicely. Maybe a dagger. Maybe a derringer. Wealthy people don’t worry about holes in their pockets. Occupy your mind with frequent flyer miles. Too much time in the cereal aisle can result in personality disorders by breakfast time. Talk is cheap while advice has never closed ranks in a buyer’s market. Focus on what you do well. Use a microscope. Tonight: Romance at twenty paces.

LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)

Wyoming is not a state of mind. Two-a-days did not take. Grab a bucket or audition for the part of tackling dummy. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Ends will never meet but Scorpio linebackers can be quite compatible on special teams. Pay attention in the huddle. Don’t be overly defensive. Despite tedious preparation, over-running the play will make one look bad from the stands. Shoulder pads work best if you have the head to go with them. Take cheerleaders at face value. An offensive line is never in good taste. Tonight: An etiquette sandwich.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Put tendencies toward panic behind you. An emotional ride never gets good gas mileage and can be destructive to the interior as well. Check tire air pressure and go on. There is no sense being king of the hill if all the action is going on at sea level. An attractive airport security official may pat you down before evening falls. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Pluto, your ruling planet is at odds with Mercury, the planet of mind. Maybe you should invest in a meteor-proof vest. Tonight: Scapegoat cheese on the grill.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Although you may be overflowing with confidence, be careful not to spill any on the sensitive wrappings of chronic insecurity. An inflated ego alone will not defeat Godzilla. You have to study the films. Deliver the goods and don’t stand around waiting for further compensation. While the injured feelings of others are not your concern, it is not necessary to twist the knife either. Cutting corners does not work when it comes to concrete or jello. Fragile roots could leave you out on a limb down the road. Tonight: Life in a nutshell.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)

Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. It would appear from your solar chart that you have little to flaunt. Be careful of too much fibrous fodder, as well as mustache hairs in the pudding. Big things lurk in your future unless you diet now. Pulling your own strings can be quite a workout on its own. Free weights aren’t free. Exercise videos often lack a viable plot. A hunch that you are no straight arrow will be right on target through the 19th. Lady Luck is still the champion arm wrestler. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers arrive, things may turn ugly. Tonight: Creamed corn falls on deaf ears.

AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)

Focus on the inconsequential. Bank on inner knowledge and current interest rates. People are comfortable ignoring you. Use this arrangement to your advantage. Sometimes invisible is better than invincible. Store all good intentions in a cool, dry place. Recycle opinions. 2020 could be a pivotal year for you but not if you spend it spinning out of control. Life may be a meaningless jumble of events but return tickets are at a premium. Flanking movements at the time clock will do little to insure job security. Tonight: The dog won’t eat caviar.

PISCES (February 20 – March 20)

Hold your breath while out of the water. The lure of fame may tip the scale. Everyone breaks waves sometimes. There is no future in being part of the chowder. Don’t trust worms, grasshoppers or Indian scouts with brass buttons. There is little discretion in muddy waters.  Mind over matter is of no use when you’ve already swallowed the bait. Burn out is rare in frigid waters. Bottom feeders should never focus on high and dry affairs of the heart when dinner’s on the table. Keep a civil tongue in your head despite anatomical differences. Tonight: Take a refresher course in humility.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), the Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), the Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)

“Despite the overabundance of dung heap news sources in this country Americans remain one of the most poorly informed populaces on the planet.”  – H.L. Menoken