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Trump International Victim of Sink Hole

(Chicago) The Trump International Hotel and Tower was destroyed this morning after being gobbled up by a rogue sinkhole followed by relentless assaults of hail. As residents fled, the remnants of the building were washed away by a flash flood compliments of an angry Lake Michigan. Miraculously, adjacent properties were unharmed by the violent weather pattern. This is the first time in recorded weather history that these natural disasters have hit simultaneously in a microclimate. A spokesman for the White House blamed Obama for the incident.

Meanwhile our White House is quite calm this morning

Avoiding the current drama of indictments and denials on Pennsylvania Avenue, our local White House Mountain appeared ultra-calm this morning, preparing to welcome the first real winter snow in the San Juans.

Gorilla Glue “Spill” Foils Congressional E-Seating

An unexplained application of super glue, allegedly smeared and squirted by terrorists, has prevented a quorum in the House and Senate. The intrusive substance, thought to be Gorilla Glue due to its bonding quotients, was disbursed onto all doors leading in and out of the legislative chamber preventing lawmakers from taking their accustomed seats Monday morning.

The doors, now welded shut with the fast acting chemical compound, have thwarted attempts by leaders here to E-Seat themselves in apprehension of hearings on term limits and campaign financing.

The term E-Seat refers to the eternal and elite status of the average Congressman who is supposed to represent the citizens of this country but often opts for its own interests instead. Many think the glue, liberally applied over the weekend, is the work of obstructionists intent of derailing investigations and hearings on the subject of corruption at the highest levels.

According to a history censor, on retainer at the Horseshoe, “There is no precedence here. The glue may just be a practical joke or a warning as to tar and feathering to come. The barrels discarded near the Capitol certainly validate the seriousness of the felonious maneuvers.

In response to the attack the White House had threatened to cut off all exit visas issued by the New Deep State. These were aimed at domestic detractors, local critics and the disloyal. The response was shelved when close aides informed the president that the country does not now require exit visas for anyone especially US passport holders.

The Trump people want exit these highly visible controls and are pushing for them. On paper the law allows for the establishment of such controls but has shunned the idea due to the expense and impracticability of such a move.

“These people are very much like gorillas,” said one political analyst. “Considering the recent bi-partisan track record in these chambers many of us think we should leave well enough alone until after the mid-term elections.

– Pepper Salte

Ancient Horseshoe archives recovered

(Alexandria, Egypt) Artifacts exhumed near this city of 6 million suggest that the San Juan Horseshoe is older than the dirt in which it was hastily buried an estimated 3000 years ago. Who interred the remnants or why, is still as foggy as a balmy day in Newfoundland.

Dated at around 700 BC, the findings include circulation logs, pictures of dogs, layout apparatus, offset plates, glass plates, grid sheets, exacto-knives, scissors, a drawing table, a line art enlarger, glue, wax, steel rulers, rollers, and primitive cameras.

Newspapers replaced cumbersome tablets in Egypt by 1000 BC

In addition inside a carefully sealed vault are photos of a lineage of Pharaohs engaged in debauchery and mummies of disloyal advertisers. The content of this hidden vault may have resulted in the banning of the paper and the deportation of its staff during the Hellenistic Period and later with the ominous rise of Carthage.

The dig was conducted near the Temple of Serapis but the largest cache was delivered when archeologists stumbled over an engraved oak staff that was most likely used to encourage or punish pressmen and writers.

“That is just feet from our storied library,” said Abdule “Mickey” Svelte, from the University of the Nile. “In just an hour we were overwhelmed by the treasures just below the surface near the Mediterranean. The relics will be stored at the 15th Century Citadel of Quaitbay  that is today a museum,” said Svelte.

Mummy exhumed from Horseshoe dig was most likely a disloyal advertiser, say historians, and not Alexander the Great, as has been the accepted position since the fall of Rome.

“Once we unearth these rarities we will bring in some heavier earth moving gear and get down to the subfloors and more remote tombs,” he continued. “Who knows what’s down there and what primordial curses our snooping will reawaken. Considering the status of current events in our country what could be worse?”

Unlike most digs there is no need for a security force to guard against grave robbers since nobody wants any of this booty.

Of interest on smudged pages is a story dated 702 BC about a man in Samalut who dove from the top of the Great Pyramid of Geezer into a Dixie cup of Nile River water. Another piece interviews cats that think they are gods. A pullout covering the finals of Nubian Polo held in 699 BC actually featured faded colors made from lotus plants and papyrus. At the end of the 8th Century BC the paper boasted a circulation of 10,000,000 in a nation of only around 5,000,000.

A sardonic editorial, slamming corruption amid the ruling class, graced the front of the last known publication.

– Paula Parvenue 

Champion Fly Swatter in Town

(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin O’ Toole is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.   

Toole’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.

Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during an interview with The Gunnison Times.

“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” said the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands.”

A bit jumpy, Toole sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.

– Rocky Flats

“The Maharaja of Gwalior killed over 1400 tigers in his lifetime and was the author of a work destined for a limited if select audience, “A Guide to Tiger Shooting.”  – from Freedom at Midnight by Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre.

Don’t dump it!