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“How to Pick Up Neanderthals”


Neanderthals, Denisovans, Home Sapiens were mixing it up 450,000 years ago! Dolores Alegria’s infamous read: Missing Links in the Bathroom tells the reader step-by-step how to attract and maintain a meaningful relationship with all kinds of sub-per creatures. How to shave your partner’s back and how to avoid destructive domestic encounters. Potty training, limiting broken furniture and drinking from the appropriate glass are all examined. Are these early humans better in the sack or they have nicer cars? Are they bigger? What is the common shirt size or do they even wear shirts? Blending caused the Neanderthals and Denisovans to disappear, leaving us with Homo sapiens. Now it’s your option to turn back the clock with a no-nonsense reference book like this you could be dating by the weekend.


Trump passes Stalin on Turnover List

(Moscow-On-Potomac) President Donald Trump, recently from the United States, has passed deceased Russian dictator Joseph Stalin as top dog on the all-time administrative hit list.

Joe Stalin with unidentified prom date sometime in the late 40s.

The magic moment came yesterday afternoon with the resignation of a cabinet climate change expert and the aggravated dismissal of a minor bureaucrat in the EPA. Both former surrogates left without incident and are said to be doing fine.

Trump is now the unchallenged leader according that infamous proxy ledger, a dubious honor compiled annually by yappy political watchdogs from The Hague. The poll stops short of drawing other more painful comparisons from the civilian lives of the two despots.

Despite classic purges, famine, collective farms, firing squads and two world wars Stalin’s numbers, once believed to be statistically insurmountable, have been left in the dust of the Russian steppes.

Whereas it took Stalin 20 years to achieve such notoriety, the new king of turnovers, Donald Trump, himself a nitpicker on loyalty, has accomplished the feat in only two years.

And you thought Joe Stalin went through people.

Guest Ghost Graces Gunnison for Rodeo

(Gunnison) His spirit will move you or at least get you ready for Cattlemen’s Days, July 12 -1 4. Yes, Tom Mix is back again and expected to participate (as much as a ghost can take part) in this year’s rodeo. The revelry has been going on since 1900 and Mix has been stopping in since the early 50s according to local lore (and maybe a bit more).

The PCA contest, held in this pristine Western Colorado town, offers the perfect venue for summer nights. There’s bull riding, bronc riding, barrel racing and an uninvited, yet welcome, guest who comes every year to see what’s going on in Gunnison.

It’s the ghost of cowboy movie star, Tom Mix and his horse Tony, who visits Gunnison each year from the Great Beyond to catch a little rodeo. He says it’s good for the blood and what keeps him coming back for more. Readers will recall Mix as the star of the Westerns in the early days of film. The good guy-bad guy plots and the rough mountain scenery were trademarks of the time and Mix was at the top of an impressive assortment of cowboys, saloon hall girls, gunfighters, sheriffs, chiefs, school marms and outlaws galore. The movie goers couldn’t get enough.

Although it appears Mix has no strict agenda fans might likely get a glimpse of him early in the morning at the site of the former Cattlemen Inn, his favorite local lodging and at lunch at Palisades. Later as the rodeo gets going Tom can be observed in the stands or near the entrance watching the rodeo and smiling. As darkness falls the ghost ventures further and joins in at after-rodeo festivities.

“That’s when he really comes out,” said Maryanne Gillhooley, Gunnison County historian and professor of genetics at Western State University. “People see just a silhouette or get a sniff of his cigar. Sometimes they see him riding Tony out into the dense forest or the massive sage lands.”


Cannabis Grove to Vote on Softball Team Name, Logo

Changing its street name from Mañana to Yesterday isn’t the only thing that’s kept this elderly colony viral and vital. Later this week the award winning coed softball team will be faced with a nail-biting election that would determine a new team name and logo. It’s a big deal since the retirement village has fielded powerful league-leading teams since the inception of competitive athletics in the 70s.

Since January the retirees have discovered an assortment of odd names for minor league baseball teams across the country.

“The classic marijuana leaf logo and the name “Potheads was already taken by the Hallucination Farms in Loveland while another favorite Sativa Sluggers is the name of the squad fielded by the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita in Western Montrose County. Mushroom Mollies was deemed too political and evokes visions of disorder from field assignments, base stealing to bathroom breaks.

Cannabis Grove Retirement Village needed more than just a name and trademark. It needed something that said heart and soul.

 “That’s what the team means to these folks,” said Earl MacAdoo, the longtime coach here at The Grove. Most still wear spikes to breakfast and sleep with their baseball gloves and caps. These are not sunny day patriots!”

MacAdoo told players that they had about a week to decide on uniforms too since the El Paso Chichuhuas have threatened legal action over copyright infringements with the current uniform.

“The same thing has happened every time we agree on what is the appropriate message the team will project on the field,” continued MacAdoo. “That means colors, uniform design, trademarks, logos and name all wound up together, ready to take ether field. We have received threatening letters from The Wichita Wingnuts, the Akron Rubber Ducks, and The Hartford Yard Goats this week alone. One particularly angry note came from my old infield mate, ball and chainer Kid Gravy of the Montgomery Biscuits who challenged Grove fund raisers, domestic staff and our head social worker to a dual over the alleged infringement.

The Traverse City Beach Bums, the Topeka Train Robbers, the Albuquerque Isotopes and the Toledo Mud Hens said they don’t care about color conflicts and disjointed information associated with recreational franchises and hot dog sales.

“Why would we care what a bunch of old hicks in Colorado are doing?” scoffed a joint letter from an inter-league source.

MacAdoo’s jugular response was swift and cutting.

“We don’t give a tinker’s damn about trademark violations and copyrights anymore. What are they going to do? Put us in jail? We’re already in jail most of the day and night here at Cannabis Grove. Sticks and stones may break turbines but names can never hurt us,” he lashed out defiantly.

Anyone wishing to take the leap into this think tank is welcome to present names and attaches. The winner could win two seats for an Amarillo Sod Poodles game in August.

– Rocky Flats, Sports Editor

New sign graces downtown Colona

Ouray County’s third largest metropolis celebrates its status with beautiful new signage on Hotchkiss Avenue.

Fly Swatting Academy To Offer Seminars

Mel’s Fly Swatting Academy is again teaching the intrinsic art of fly swatting

in an almost absurdly low student-professor ratio.

They say: (Advertisement)

“It’s fly season again and time to tune up that lazy eye, that smooth stroke, that tight, consistent follow-through. A fly-free home is a happy home and enlightened swatting is incremental to a buzz-free environment.

“Who cares what the bastards do outside? I don’t even want to think about it. It’s your space we are talking about here but you MUST SIEZE IT!”

“It’s all true. Filthy disease-ridden balls of scum (No, not people who hold different political views than you) are these garbage-breath intruders. The buzzing buggers serve little purpose with the possible exception of industrial excrement transport or highlighting the status of unattended buttermilk.

“Then let’s get down to it, says Mel’s. “We can improve your life by enhancing the manner in which you deal with just one little plague-mongering pest. We are not talking about moose hunting or shark diving…or even wild marmot stew. We are talking about bringing flies to their knees.

“Our professional staff can turn you from a flitter to a smasher extraordinaire in less than a week. Daily, hourly seminars bring out the natural ability and instill a sense of can-do. The cost, although prohibitive, is well worth it given the peace of mind and the sense that you can dominate one surly aspect of nature.

“And you say this is stupid? Already there are leagues competitive teams with paying sponsors. Yes, the real world is on board and you hicks best get wise quick. While you’ve been riding the hay bale picking your teeth others are getting ahead. That means $$$$$$.

Example Lesson #2

We walk you through The Stare (patented) where the stalker freezes the prey, creeps up and over-wails on the unsuspecting ball of vile snot. We then obsess on your follow through and show you the affects of the methodical, consistent flanking of one’s adversary. You will master The Stun and the 3-In One. Watch your friends tremble in envy, as your handicap becomes all but a negative number.

Of course the riches of the sport will elude many. Professional touring swatters are making the big dollars these days. The amateur can reach new heights but the right gear can run up to $8000 if one wants the state-of-the-art equipment. Fly fashion has never come cheap.

After three weeks of classes – We guarantee that you will pass your fly exams-class 3 or class 4 and go on to pursue and succeed at exceptional honors like Bambo Fly Killer, Red Belt, Wolf-Eagle Squash or join the elite Eat Poop Then Land in My Potato Salad Assassins.

Enjoy a marvelous and vehement summer minus these pests. For classes on mosquito, coyote, bear and skunk find us at

Remember: Hone your skills for BIG Buck Fly Season in Sept and October when the livestock come back down to earth and the deer fly bites.

For boarding school reservations, indentured arrangements and family visits dial 34.
Methodology accepted by Kill The Flies Without Extended Guilt (KFWEG). Do not kill spiders or bees. They sustain life.