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POP CULTURE WASTE DUMPED IN NEVADA

(Las Vegas) Tons upon tons of global-active pop culture waste begins its arduous trek to the sinks and basins of the Silver State this week. The controversial transport of the highly outrageous  substances was approved by federal health authorities early this morning over the protests of sheepmen and casino owners from Bunkerville to Winnemucca.

“We don’t want pop culture waste dumped in our state,” said one gambling interest here. “Sure the stuff may look safe, packed away in its heat sensitive, hermetically sealed barrels, but what if it seeps out or simply refuses to go away?” he said. “Just because Nevada is perceived for the most part as a large, barren wind-swept badlands — we get the prize? What about Utah? The feds could dump popular culture waste on Salt Lake City for the next 100 years and no one would notice.”

Officially, popular culture waste is defined as the residue from mass culture that is virtually shallow and worthless yet global in proportion. Software, fast food, professional sports clothing, soft drinks, hype magazines, trendy fashion, trite music, television, slang, hair styles, Hollywood, video games, and methods of commerce are most visible, while banking, law enforcement, work ethics and religious affiliation round out the shadow culture currently being exported.

Marked USA, this mindlessly generated pollution is ravenously consumed by emerging nations that should be more interested in preserving age-old culture, feeding people and raising their standard of living.

“It’s shocking to see an Islamic militant preaching the destruction of the West in a Los Angeles Dodger hat,” said one former Mideast diplomat. “Deep down we are quite different although on the surface we’re looking pretty much the same.”

According to the latest estimates the pop culture litter, slowly fermented from the flood of consumer goods, could quickly fill up Western Canada. Discarded fast food wrappers and discarded televisions alone could cover up the ground surface of Alberta in just a few weeks.

A parade of unmarked trucks will take an undisclosed route to the dumps due to heightened security and the threat of sabotage. Pop culture icons such as Donald Trump and Martha Stewart will ride shotgun.

Upon arrival most of the waste will be safely stored in secure bunkers made of space-age aluminum, plastic and reinforced dirt. The rest will be recycled into new glitter for future consumption insuring the continuity of the phenomenon.

Looters will be shot on sight.

– Melvin Toole

     

     

Sex Researcher Pregnant

(Placerville) Local scientist, Dr. Olivia Tinkleholland, has turned up pregnant. Although the father is unknown  there are reportedly “plenty of potential candidates “. The baby is due in December.

Tinkleholland, who for decades has been studying the sexual behavior of ground squirrels, was surprised by the predicament.

According to directors of the research effort, she may have gotten too close to her work. Over the past few months several colleagues have continually expressed concern that her hands on approach be curtailed. Within a consortium of trained, experienced biologists and behavioral scientists there have been few explanations for the phenomenon. Most, if fact have been inclined to skirt the issue.

“Olivia is a gifted professional,” said a longtime associate. “I assure you she operated in the open and clearly had no other agenda than the betterment of Colorado’s ground squirrel population. Her activities after hours have not been chronicled and potential osmosis is expected to be fully examined.

“She could end up being a study within a study,” said the source. “That could be an embarrassment for everyone connected to the research curriculum for decades to come.”

The development should serve as warning to investigators and pollsters alike who might find themselves wrapped in data and overwhelmed by statistics instead of common sense. The take-no-prisoners policies exercised by Tinklleholland in her private life may have contributed to her present situation. Up until now little of her story makes much sense according to persons familiar with similar occurrences and oddball episodes.

“What did she expect?” asked her mother who is visiting from Cleveland.

Rox Relief pitchers to be paid by the hour

With the exception of both Wade Davis and Adam Ottavino, Colorado Rockies relief pitchers will now be paid by the hour. Rescinding former salaries (such as the $27 million paid to Jake McGee for three years) the new scale takes into account past performances and introduces healthy incentive packages to mound keepers who can keep the lid on in the later innings.

Hopeless hurlers such as Brian Shaw (27 million over 3 years) Mike Dunn ($19 million over three years) Chris Rusin ($1.3 million for one year) and Scott Oberg (a measly 550,000 to blow games – with a 4-0 record to boot!) are dead weight on the team’s hot air ballon. Imagine the price of beer if the team could regulate or outright shed these expenses paid out to people who have not performed well.

“We’d be just as well to dig a hole in left field and throw the money into it,” said one former coach. “The big shots in the front office continually foul up but will not admit their mistakes (Take Ian Desmond for example).

And if the wasted offensive effort was not enough McGee and Dunn have informed the Rockies that they would be joining the circus when it comes through town in August.

“The circus has picked up several options on Shaw and Rusin but we are not clear as to the details at the moment,” quacked a Rockies’ bigwig who is slated to be fed to the lions as part of Denver Zoo/Cougar-Bubblehead Night in September.

Circus officials did not return our calls but issued a joint statement on Friday confirming a slew of the rumors and suggested, “our lions are very hungry too.”

– Neville Hoser

 

SAN JUAN SHAVINGS

with Uncle Pahgre

Local celebrities to give away money

(Telluride) A wagonload of celebrities, and some what think they are, has formulated an “arrangement” aimed at allowing them to rejoin the ranks of mortals. The luminaries currently share space on the planet with the masses and have now turned their illustrious heads toward parity for all.

The blueprint calls for committed celebrities to leave baskets of cash all over San Miguel and Ouray Counties marked “Please accept this cash donation with best regards”. It is then signed by the donor with either his/her real name or a stage name.

“For instance Sylvester Stallone might sign his basket `Rambo’ or Jennifer Lopez might write ‘Barcelona’ on her offering,” said Melvin Toole, coordinator of the event and the only honest man left in either county. “Imagine the relief as these notables get rid of the trappings of fame and success. Imagine the happiness these gifts will bring to residents of the San Juans who work all week, pay taxes and are waiting to refill coffers during the summer months. It’s like a local lottery where someone actually has a chance of winning something,” he sobbed. “It’s beautiful.”

The celebrity consortium, numbering over 50 people, will give away an estimated 4.8 million dollars over the next two months, holding back a few thousand dollars to get them through until the next film, CD or book hits the big money machine.

“It’s really no big deal,” said one renown director. “Easy come…easy go, you know.”

Some of the rich and famous have not joined in the mass hand outs, preferring to keep their booty for themselves. Critics suggest that somewhere down the road these persons will face diminished status within the parade of face and name recognition.

“How will people be able to determine real celebrities from plain old people who just happen to be rich,” suggests Toole. “Talk about buying notoriety. We’ve opened up Pandora’s Box once again.”

He insists that this phenomenon is real and that locals should keep an eye on the mailboxes, be on the lookout for discarded grocery sacks and shoe boxes and leave their car windows open so as to be receptive to abrupt deposits.

RIDGWAY GETS CRIME GRANT

(Tail Town) Ridgway has been named the recipient of a $300,000 grant which seeks to bring the criminal element into town government. The money will be spent to lure low lifes into the town infrastructure so that the town council can rationalize hiring more police officers.

“It’s a win-win situation here,” says Suzie Compost, director of criminal activities for the council. “It’s simple supply and demand politics in full regalia. We like it.”

The grant came faster than expected, especially considering that it had to be approved point by point on the state level. First, local police were complaining about nothing to do, nobody to arrest. Second, they (the cops) started hanging out in front of the bars, shadowing revelers. Third, the revelers got mad and complained back to the town council. Fourth, the council decided to shift the heat and petitioned the state to do something.

“We’re amazed at the speed of the response,” said Compost. “Usually they take longer than that to get their pencils sharpened every day. We’re not ready to put the plan into action and already those people are arriving in town. Maybe we’ll just deputize everyone.”

ALIENS TO SKIP ROSWELL UFO REUNION

(Norwood) Space travelers from distant stars will avoid landing near Roswell, New Mexico this summer due to the presence of some 3,000 happy campers who have paid $60 (per night) for the privilege of camping there. The campers will sleep at the site of a purported spacecraft crash in 1947.

UFO aficionados will engage in the week-long celebration in early July, commemorating the anniversary of the alleged sighting, called “dubious at best” by the Air Force. Meanwhile the supposed alien clique will gather on Wright’s Mesa.

Forward agents for the aliens have already booked hotels and the grocery, bars and liquor stores are gearing up for what may be the most lucrative week of the summer.“This could be bigger than the Prairie Dog Shoot,” said one Norwood spirits provider. “It’s tough to know what to order, though. I don’t know what aliens drink.”

The aliens reportedly chose Norwood since the town has a reputation for tolerance.

“We’ve had to tolerate all those refugees from Telluride over the years,” said one resident who asked not to be named. “That’s no simple chore, you know.”

A rancher near Roswell found debris on July 8, 1947, including some sort of flying disc which the Air Force said was part of a top secret monitoring balloon. A less publicized spaceship landing on Grand Avenue in 1948 appears somehow linked to the Roswell shindig but, in over 60 years, no other explanation has surfaced

“The Air Force has been spying on our cows for the past 20 years and they’ve denied that too,” said an official Norwood source that demanded anonimity. Now they say there are no UFOs around here despite the fact that everyone has seen them. Imagine that.”

FEDS RAID HORSESHOE WEB SITE

(Colona) Combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Infestation, the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution and the Newt Whirled Order carried out an intricate predawn raid of the San Juan Horseshoe Web Site near here. The once secret location was tear gassed and burned to the ground, its apparatus hauled off to crime laboratories for extensive testing.

The law enforcement agencies found cellular phones, a laptop computer, an extensive file with the home numbers of local pizza delivery personnel, a Colombian flag, some stale doughnuts, an 800 number, empty beer cans and a clock radio. They think the operators of the web site might have been spying for North Korea, Iran or both. In addition, preliminary data, collected on the spot, suggests a connection with the infamous Colona Mail Order Bride Ring, recently brought to its knees, with the help of local informants.

This is the second successful haymaker delivered by the FBI in as many years. Readers may choose to recall the apprehension of Red McSwill on Log Hill Mesa who, doing business as Red’s Garage, was indicted for tampering with local odometers during the Nixon Presidency. He is currently serving a prison sentence in his mother-in-law’s home at Nucla.

SLEEPING INDIAN PRIMED FOR SNEEZE

(Ridgway) One of the region’s most dominant landmarks, the Sleeping Indian, appears primed for his 100-year explosion this month. The Native American rock formation’s first recorded sneeze came in 1618 and was witnessed by Fathers Escalante and Dominguez as they traveled through the San Juans searching for a place to build a real estate office. Later in 1718 the chief blew up again, causing the Uncompahgre River to change course. In 1818 it was more of the same thing with the nasal explosion leaving collapsed bridges and destroyed barns in its wake.

The last time the Sleeping Indian sneezed it was with such force and determination that it effectively destroyed the town of Ridgway and the railroad all the way to the town of Dallas. That was 1918 and the recovery goes on. In fact, the only building left standing was the Little Chef Bar, a sacred location on most Ute topo maps.

In a recent example, the Ridgway Reservoir is proof that the chief packs quite a sneeze.

Residents are urged to stay in their homes until after the chief goes off. Note: Ridgway Hardware will be selling folding chairs through July with which to view the sneeze.

CAMP BIRD NETS ANCIENT DIRT SAMPLES

(Ouray) Recent excavations at the Camp Bird Mine have some geologists wondering how long rocks have been in the ground. Early samples of dirt and rocks were discovered last summer as far up as Yankee Boy Basin all the way down to Box Canyon.

“This changes everything,” said local geologist Tom Rosemeyer. “It’s now clear that the earth is a hell of a lot older than we thought and so are the people engaged in stupid articles like this one.

     

     

Ouray News Legend First Turned Down Laker Offer

(Elk Meadows) Recognized as the best player in the world by many Labrawn James penned yet another lucrative contract this week but many say he was second fiddle to a Ouray County scribe.

Confirmation that former Plaindealer publisher David Mullings had scoffed at an offer sheet from the Los Angles Lakers has leaked out through the forest up here. His rejection of a 4-year $54 million contract stunned friends and colleagues but Mullings remains unmoved by the proposal.

Clear disclosures that Mullings received the offer first have rocked the usually stable basketball hierarchy. Stark realization that Cleveland Cavalier great Labran James only signed after the journalist rejected the deal, may shed light on the future of the sport

And in the ashes of what is evolving into a bigger drama Mullings says he might opt to play bocce ball in Colombia at a fraction of the pay. His best-selling novel “Roll”, which chronicles the sport from its beginnings in Calabria, is already in its second printing.

Mullings’ agent, Rebecca Pencilskirt, a Medellin attorney told reporters in Denver that her client would be a welcome addition to any one of the city’s squads.

“He was afraid that the money would taint his way of life and put him out of touch with the common man,” said Pencilskirt, like Mullings a former Lobo.

“Sometimes windfalls hit you up the side of the head and other times they just blow by, she shrugged. “Pro bocce ball is played only on Sunday in the Antioquian Leagues which would then allow more free time for other pursuits on the field of play.

– Rocky Flats

Feds Raid Dating Service

(Colona) In what was initially perceived to be yet another muscle flexing on the part of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), federal agents ransacked the offices of Wildcat Matchmaking last night seizing laptops, bank records and customer portfolios.

The fledgling business, that ICE insists is front for smuggling as well as massive money laundering, was shuttered immediately and several top executives were taken into custody and will be the subject of intense scrutiny while the meat of the investigation sizzles on the grill. Wildcat opened in April and claimed a rabid customer base of over 20,000.

“We don’t fully comprehend these colossal implications or the magnitude of the confiscations,” said a neighbor. “They seemed like nice enough people although they often blocked my driveway with their pink 1967 Mustang convertible. The billboards and neon were a little much too.”

An overnight ICE raid in Colona has left both citizens and the authorities in shock

No one in Colona admitted to using the service.

“The social life here is off the charts,” said one lifelong resident. “What do we need a matchmaking service for? We’re all already matched, some more than others. They could have been making moonshine, keeping contraband livestock and/or printing counterfeit currency. Nobody knows. Nobody cares.”

The authorities were tight-lipped implying only that jealously controlled Log Hill spice routes and a surge in lucrative weapons sales in the West End could easily start World War III.

“We’re here to put a stop to that,” said an ICE spokesperson.

-Alfalfa Romero