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(Toronto) The National Hockey League today announced that it would go ahead with plans to sell bulk ice this winter if budget problems continue. While most of the sales would take place in Canada, there would be extensive exports of the frozen water to the United States and Mexico as well.

A spokesman for the league told The Horseshoe that most of the ice now in place in rinks from Los Angeles to Montreal would be either placed on the auctioning block or sold outright as an often temporary  cooling agent. This action, of course, will only be implemented after the Play-offs in June.

“If these ragged players think they’re going to blackmail the NHL they have another think coming, heh?” said Lonnie LaBatt of the league front office. “They have accused us of siding with the owners! Can you believe the gall? Just because the owners created the league, gave us our jobs and write our paychecks…heh…do they think we can be bought?”

Meanwhile a player’s association source said that most of the executives attached to the game ought to show their true colors by cutting back on the talk and providing some action. He suggests that each franchise field a team comprised of owners, PR men, dysfunctional vice presidents and security personnel. This squad would then face actual NHL players in a knock down, drag out winner-take-all hockey game.

“We’d love it,” drooled Red McKoone, a rookie defenseman for the Detroit Redwings who is credited with collecting over 30 ears during minor league matches in and around Saskatoon since 1992.

Getting back to the ice sales, one executive explained that ice is a renewable resource and that it may as well pay its own way.

“If we turn off the cooling systems during a work stoppage we will inherit a pool of water,” he gestured. “If we pay to keep the stuff frozen we lose money. But if we break it up, bag it, and sell it through convenience stores and groceries we could make a killing. Imagine buying genuine NHL ice!” he shouted. “Why would anyone want anything else!”

A Western Colorado test market has reportedly been arranged for the experimental sales of the ice. Outlets in Parlin, Placerville, Colona, Austin, Whitewater, Maybelle, Bedrock, Sargents, Cahone and Rico should be receiving the new product by Wednesday. Smaller market areas should be included in the sales zone by Thanksgiving.

– Manfred Dille

Cows Showing Off Spring Brands

Branding cows has been part of the Western culture since the first bovines waddled off the tall ships of the Spanish Main. Elaborate or inornate, thousands of brands have been registered and people even make living inspecting the things. Some people think it’s harsh to burn a predominant mark into the side of a cow but actually they don’t feel much. It’s kind of like their logo.

Besides, considering the practice of summer grazing on large tracts of gov’ment land from here to the Utah border (and because all Herefords look alike) it’s quite practical (at least for the cow punchers). How would you like to spend the warm months out in the middle of nowhere without so much as bus number, ID or address book? It’s like a social security card for cattle and maybe a lot more as we eavesdrop on a conversation in a pasture near Montrose.

Bossie: Get a load of that tattoo on Old Miss Elsie over there.

Brownie: Yeah, she thinks she’s femme fatale on-the-hoof.

Bossie: Grazer.

Elsie: Hello, girls. Did you see my new brand? It’s from Paris.

Brownie: Paris, Texas perhaps.

Bossie: My brand is Ralph Lauren. It’s designer, you know.

Elsie: Well, my markings show superior stock anyway. You two are no better than 2% next to me.

Bossie: She wouldn’t know the difference between high fashion and cheap imitation.

Brownie: Oh Elsie, your brand is nice but it’s a copy. I saw one just like it on the sale rack at the Delta Feedlot.

Elsie: I wouldn’t wear that brand of yours to the rendering plant.

Bossie: It’s all right for dairy cows, but not for us.

Brownie: Don’t you think that kind of brand makes her look fat.

Elsie: It cost over $100. What did you pay for that costume?

Bossie: At least it goes with my hooves. That’s more than I can say for your ensemble.

Elsie: Enough about brands. Who did your hair? It looks like it was burned off.

Bossie: Who did your makeup? Old MacDonald?

Elsie: Jealousy is one of the deadly sins. My monogram speaks for itself. Now I must leave. I have a luncheon engagement.

Sammy Steer: Good grass, man. All we need now is to get over the fence into the cow pasture.

Lord Bull: Look at the brand on that heifer.

– Merv Ditchwater



(Norwood) Regular daily flights from Nucla to Naturita are slated to start today with the 6 am morning milk run. Flights, which were suspended due to fuel shortages during the Persian Gulf War, will number 15 on weekdays and more than 20 on the weekends.

     According to West End Open Space Airways the planes will hold 13 passengers not counting a pilot, co-pilot and rear gunner. The recently repaved Calamity Draw landing strip in Nucla was pronounced “sea-worthy” last week while crews are busily preparing the historical Vancorum dirt strip for the return flight.

     One spokesman for the newly formed Twin Cities Air Board told The Horseshoe that Hopkins Field might serve as a backup landing zone if sheep fences were not completed by departure time.

     The news was greeted with much enthusiasm as far away as Norwood where anxious residents still await the resumption of stagecoach service from the Paradox Valley.

“I am not a pessimist; to perceive evil where it exists is, in my opinion, a form of optimism.”

– Roberto Rossellini

Applied Appliances

Republicans continue to lose seats

(Bland Valley) In the face of an expected Democrat counterattack this fall Republicans continue to lose seats due to special elections, scandalous retirements, indictments and apparent lack of interest in the governing process.

Since February 2018 the GOP has lost two recliners, one chase lounge, three couches, a velour love seat, several blue deck chairs, four bar stools, a parachute landing device, five desk chairs, over-stuffed easy chairs, fainting couches, plastic chairs, canvass beach ensembles, throwback, antique and inflatable seats, 12 sets of kitchen chairs, assorted regressing patio perches and  judge’s bench.

“I don’t care how many seats they mislay,” said Abner Quitee, 111, who has never voted Democrat for been out of Mesa County, his entire life. “But some of us are a bit concerned that with the recent losses there on’t be anywhere to sit down. I guess there are those dusty hammocks or the metal chairs down in the potato cellar.”

Insiders in the party. themselves clutching one-way tickets, say this is no funny business. It took a while but the people finally figured out our little rich man – poor man scam.”

“We already know those godless Democrats have futons, wine racks, yoga mats and worldly designs on their chairs,” said one state representative near tears. “Some are even made of marijuana.”

On the other side of  the slippery aisle voices have been raised asking if it is really possible to be xenophobic about an oak rockier? There was no joy in Foggy Bottom or on Capitol Hill though, since voters still remember the Dems showing up with rented furniture in 2000 and 2004.

Voters in several Red States, moved by such a shortfalls at first promised to deliver reinforcements in the form of furniture rostered above. However, due in part to a series of transgressions (Read: Spending scandals by top HUD and EPA appointees) many have rescinded on the offer.

– Susie Compost


Can robots be racist?

A recent incident at a Philly Starbucks where two Black patrons were arrested for trespassing (while sitting at a table waiting for a third friend to arrive), showcases a corporate mentality based on fear, phoniness and expedience. This soulless infrastructure creates paranoid and programmed behavior among the Kool-Aid sucking minions of entwined in its caffein empire.

Starbucks has stolen a piece of Americana as it builds more stores and drives smaller competitors from the marketplace. This company has intruded into a wonderful ritual of slamming coffee with friends in the morning. It has substituted plastic stir sticks and litter cups for civilized utensils, porcelain and heart.  Are their coffee beans grown in China?

Companies like Starbucks have snuffed out the cultural aspects of the corner cafe and the crucial socialization that goes with it. Diversity is the enemy of market control. Starbucks has replaced it with a synthetic experience when the nation needs a sugar bowl full of culture.

The robot manager of the mega-corp coffee pusher was no doubt a perfect example of a another loyal employee ascending up the ladder: He’s got that Starbucks glow! They didn’t even fire him, which is a surprise considering he benefits of applied scapegoatism. They moved him to another of their countless burnt coffee outlets. By doing so Starbucks condones his corporate-racist behavior.

Is he now presiding over costly cups of coffee in a white neighborhood where other robots sip each day looking for the last remnants of social interaction in a country that sold its soul for a swindled latte?

The mindless manager is the poster child for Starbucks and all corporate intrusion into our lives. The fact that this troll has exhibited racist behavior is no surprise given his status and standing. In the City of Brotherly Love we really don’t want the brothers in our nicer neighborhoods anyway.

Boycott Starbucks? You should have been avoiding the place from the start due to the mass marketed, mass produced and the mass flocking of the sheep. One incident does not define an entity. The business of selling coffee to trademark junkies and people who need some banner to follow is the real problem. It’s one that our kids will have to deal with when they grasp for threads of humanity left in our society.

In America, racism is eating us up and corporate power is spitting us out.

Colorado Moves to Restrict Bozos

The Colorado senate today passed a restrictive bill aimed at controlling the flow of bozos all across the state. This includes residents and travelers who might be harassed and could be deprived of certain privileges due to suspicious or alien bozo classification.

Bozos apprehended at higher elevations will receive the same treatment as those corralled in lower zones. Stinking Desert occupancies will be treated with non-sanctuary status. Bozos found in caves will be incarcerated upon contact.

Utah chimed in too: “We don’t know who and what they are but we damn sure don’t want them here,” said a County coroner familiar with these developments.

Although clowns are considered minor deities in some parts of the world, they are not much appreciated in the United States since most people cannot distinguish them from local politicians and squatter bureaucrats.