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Contombe in Montevideo

Contombe in Montevideo

Mural depicting Contombe music adds color to a downtown neighborhood in Montevideo, Uruguay

Stimulus package adjusting for trembling lip

When Democrats agreed to an eleventh-hour inclusion of Mitch McConnell on every virus relief check they had no idea what a quagmire was brewing. The total facsimile of the Senate Majority leader just didn’t look authentic and another holdup has ensued.

“We need the trembling lip and the look of one about to break into tears,” said a crossover Republican who called Donald Trump “a ranting nincompoop” during Beat the Press, a virtual reality news interview program conducted in a sterile and empty studio.

“It’s hard enough to function with social distancing and travel restrictions in place without demanding ridiculous additions when we’re ready to throw money at the monster,” said the senator who demanded animosity, fearing reprisals from the White House.

At present no one has the technology necessary to add these details to documents or expanded currency. McConnell’s insistence reeks of partisanship, according to sources on both sides of the aisle. They say he wants Americans to think he’s sending the money out of his own pocket.

“We can capture his face correctly, right down to that desperate, frightened, tearful expression so familiar to most Americans, but so far the trembling lip (classified as a trademark by Lloyd’s of London), is giving us trouble,” said one graphic artist still working at the Treasury Department. “That guise is tough to depict but the moving parts are almost hopeless.”

Critics say the amount of money spent on McConnell’s image could be better used to feed people affected by the virus. Most question why the wealthy politician would want a trembling lip when a firm facial edge would send a better message to a disoriented and confused population quite capable of ignorant and malicious behavior.

Meanwhile the Earth is Flat Coalition continues to defend money-grubbing, full frontal church services and plans to end quarantines.

“The Red States should be allowed to conduct business as usual relying on their gods to get them through this” said the former GOP source. “And if the situation becomes frantic we’ll simply have to build another wall. The race between global warming and Coronavirus is neck and neck down the stretch. Deniers of both will soon see reality quite clearly as their Commander in Chief takes a wizardly hot air balloon back to Kansas, or Mars, without even a reassuring goodbye.”

 -Kashmir Horseshoe

 

Bear closures, extended hibernation told

(Ouray) The Colorado Black Bear Coalition has announced the cancellation of its 45th Spring Bruin Tunes and extended the official dates for acceptable hibernation. The developments are expected to severely affect mammals all over the Rockies.

For the flatlander, Bruin Tunes is a popular three-day feast that focuses on the scat art and crafts of dumpster diving, berry picking and home invasions. It often attracts up to 600 bear to the surrounding region prior to tourist season.

In monkeying with longstanding hibernation time parameters, the bruin planners have gone out on a limb, journeying to locales unfamiliar to the cave dwelling caniforms. They have in fact messed with instinct and tradition and now they can never go back, although most don’t know it.

Whether these departures from the norm will deflate response times during the impending fall garbage strike was not discussed according to persons with no knowledge of these events.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Dependence on foreign toilet paper nets dire proviso

Dependence on foreign toilet paper nets dire proviso

(Washington) The White House this morning warned Americans of the inherent dangers lurking when trade imbalance and personal hygiene clash.

Toilet paper trees in Colombia

Sketching a dark future, President Trump told supporters that everything was terrific minus this one small caveat. He urged people to conserve stockpiled rolls and produce twice as much as last year. He praised the oil and linoleum industry and sang praises for those brave pioneers extracting the popular product by clear-cutting trees and drilling holes into the earth.

“And here’s to all of my compatriots sitting in public stalls, trapped in unfamiliar plumbing schematics, waiting in the rain for toilet paper,” he said, blasting the Chinese once again. “We are firmly in control here.”

A formal press release (on a roll of toilet paper) is expected by tomorrow. Critics are calling for a plunging on the domestic crisis and a complete flushing of initial response brokers and curious stock portfolios.

When asked by a reporter if he could reassure his constituency Trump responded by smiling, “Ask the Chinese”.  This reference to China was the latest promo for a coming installment of The Oriental Scapegoat, a new virtual TV drama where contestants shoot out the eyes of tin Chinese bogeymen who are spinning around in a circle while Trump looks on. The pilot program has received rave reviews in television audiences from Naples to Naperville.

You say Corona, I say Colona

Who would you most like to be quarantined with for three weeks? What a question. How about for three months? That might be a bit taxing. How much toilet paper would one need to encourage a pleasant ambience?

The Federal Government has released new procedural implementations:

Wash your car 3 times a day that way your hands are clean.

Pray with Mike Pence for guidance

No gum chewing in public

Wear clean underwear at all times (you know why).

In the event of nuclear germ fallout get under your desk and cover your head.

Stay at least 800 yards away from strangers

Self-quinine for three weeks or so

Sell unlatching sox before the market crashes

Terminate all international travel since the airlines aren’t operating anyway.

Avoid touching yourself.

Apply snake oil when anxiety peaks

Don’t call us – We’ll call you

Read Quarantined With Your Ego. How to deal with your self-conceptions in a world facing apocalypse.

Update: Several leading opinion polls indicate that less than .01% of all Americans who has raved on about creeping socialism will turn down a stimulus check when it arrives in their mailbox. This includes churches that have lost millions in tithing with closures and social distancing.

*After earlier hopes were dashed, it appears that virus does not affect pine beetles.

In closing you are all invited to the Corona Beer Rebranding Party scheduled for July 4 at the Manana Grange. Suds and Social Distancing is the tantalizing theme and risqué costumes are encouraged. CEOs of the beverage company will reach out into the country’s pocketbook with their team. Many will have recent bonus checks stapled their foreheads.

Tainted currency source of virus in US

Bulletin: Deep State of Emergency

Citizens are urged to avoid unnecessary contact with paper bills of all denominations. Higher denomination currencies seem to carry germs more contagious than ones and fives. Get ride of them all. Credit and debit cards are not completely safe either. Treasury notes and gold are the most lethal.

Bag it up and drop it at Department of Fiscal Fermentation, Mirrors and Security, 33 Whinnerah Ave, Colona, CO 81403. You should receive a receipt for the transaction in 300 days or so.

Returnee Talks of Hereafter

(Banana Contento) A longtime shell shearer says he’s died and come back for another go round. The local man, whose name was not given, told stories of indirect lighting, great halls, boiling cauldrons of soup and cloud gatherings for tea at three (formal attire mandatory).

In addition he said the place was laid back and no one needed money. Beer was free and the first meal was beans and rice. People spent an hour a day engaged in chores such as pumping clouds and filling feather pillows, he said.

“We wanted to keep his identity secret until the story could be further investigated,’ said a local police spokesperson. “All we need is some pandemic over time travel or heaven’s gate and we’ll never again see a peaceful day.”

The returnee is being held at the Center for Diagnostic Space Dancing, according to an interview a local radio talk host Buster Rutledge of KRAT who was denied access to the facility Friday.

“The whole thing is a hoax. He’s some liberal,” claimed Rutledge, who recently won the Medal of Fodder for finally getting off drugs. “This guy has never been out of the county much less in the Great Beyond. This all reeks of another Democrat attempt to discredit the President.”

Readers may recall when a Colona man, Billy Blastoff returned from Great Beyond in 2018

“It’s a mirror of this world. An enchanted mirror, “ he had said. “Everything is the opposite — a perfectly reproduced reflection. The abyss rather ominous, no?  No more madness – No more sense.

“I came back on my bonus ticket*,” he continued “to pick up my fish-eye lens and some sox for all my new friends. It can get chilly in the Evermore.

After a bonafide Wizard of Oz exit in the presence of thousands of disturbed citizens his hot air balloon floated up into the sky and away. He hasn’t been seen for weeks.

*A Bonus Ticket appears to be a premium granted to people who were good on earth but have no desire to return and stay here. They get one quick visit to attend to unfinished business.

-Estelle Marmotbreath

Reasonable Briefs…

Vermouth Trees Endangered

(Hell) Due to the extremely high fire danger down here the only remaining cash crop, the vermouth tree, appears headed for extinction. After months of no rain and infestation at the hands of temperance beetles, the trees are on their last leg with little bark left and even less soul. Experts in the field, unable to save the trees, pointed the finger and made excuses while the people of hell continue to watch their paychecks dwindled down to toothpicks.

“If these sonsabitches catch fire we’ve all had it,” said one of hell’s rangers, formerly employed at the Ridgway Reservoir. “When one mixes these dry conditions with the extreme heat spontaneous combustion may be only a moment away.

Local officials blame the situation as much on last year’s chronic stretch of dry martinis when little of no vermouth was consumed allowing the vermouth trees to produce more olives. The same exact things happened in Iraq in early May effectively shutting down the wineries there and sending Sunni vineyard workers into a tailspin. Does one stay the course with gin or switch policies and embrace vodka?

People here think she’s a no-brainer.

Meanwhile sagebrush poachers continue to strip the Hadesian countryside clean of the fragrant bush which, when combined with vermouth and a little pinch of guilt, is sold upstairs in heaven as an aphrodisiac.

Vatican Warns of Blogging

(Rome) The Vatican today warned its faithful to stay away from the growing practice of blogging. Saying that the habit is immoral and distasteful a leading cardinal threatened excommunication to persons who continue to blog. The Blogging is known to cause blindness and madness according to many in the morality industry.