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I will cut your house in half

Bulletins  —  January 15, 2016

I will cut your house in half for half price. Now you have a duplex! Rex’s Renovations and Restorations. Homes, motorcycles and more. 970-210-3800.

Local attorneys will offer free legal advice from 9:11 am to 9:14 am every other Tuesday unless it rains or is cancelled. This complimentary service is sponsored by the Wyoming Bar Association, distillers of fine liquors and assorted aqueus solutions for the teeth and the tummy. Apertifs, cordials and potions. Established just moments before the storming of the Bastille.

(Martin Luther King Day January 18, 2016)
There are notably few soul food restaurants in Montrose or on the Western Slope in general. Now here is virgin territory for someone good with ribs, beans and greens.

Just a little off the top

Just a little off the top

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El Nino In the Palm of Her Hand

El Nino In the Palm of Her Hand

El Nino in the palm of her hand

February and March promise to be two of the biggest snow months in decades. The antidote is a well-stocked cupboard, tred on your tires, a serious snow shovel, sharp skis and a good attitude. (or maybe a ticket to the mountains in Colombia).

Pen Pal Murderer Released

(Mancos — San Quentin Alumni Report — January 5, 2016)

A jury has voted for leniency in the case of Daryl Ducktape, a former convict here, indicted for murdering his pen pal some twenty years ago. The unanimous decision recommended that the prisoner be released immediately. Tears flowed freely in the crowded courtroom as the defendant gave his account of the tragedy.

“I started corresponding with Sara Peawit while in jail in 1979 after receiving a sultry photograph,” said Ducktape. “All the time I thought I was writing to this beautiful woman but the picture was really that of her cousin, Molly.

After my parole I went to Hermosa to surprise her and met the real Sara, whose face could easily stop an hourglass. Sure, I lost my head. I pushed her away and she fell,” he sobbed.

Molly Peawit and Ducktape, who finally met during the proceedings, plan a January wedding in Dolores.

– Sparky Flambé

Homeless Tough on Grocery Carts

(Washington — Wishing for a Piggly Wiggly — January 13, 2015)

The nation’s burgeoning homeless here will be held responsible for damages done to corporate grocery carts according to an investigative wing of the Department of Justice. The federal fairness bureau then reminded all Americans that the wire and wheel push wagons are the privacy of the giant food cartels that feed the populace.

“Those carts are not yours, people,” said Evenkeel Canasta, of the Department of Final Affairs, a sub-contractor of the Committee of Accidental Impartiality. “They are provided only through the kindness of the supermarket barons. When one goes missing or is destroyed we all pay!”

Canasta went on to describe how the ruthless street poor misuse the grocery carts which are often stored unlocked, outside and accessible. Her voice, dropping off in manufactured despair, quavered when she spoke of homeless thugs trashing the steerage mechanism and then abandoning the provender carriages under bridges, in meth alleys and bad neighborhoods all over the city.

“We may all see the day when there are no workable grocery carts anywhere in the country. Then what will the productive segment of society do?

Already top grocers are considering loyalty carts and earned award use of push/pull devices for collecting groceries and hauling purchases to their cars. They say the expense of the operation would be staggering and that grocery prices would have to go up to pay for the privilege.

“Grocery carts are not an entitlement,” quacked Canasta, an outspoken critic of Social Security and Medicare but firm supporter of tax breaks for the petroleum industry. “Far too many Americans think they deserve free grocery carts and they favor helping the homeless with a handful of gimme and a mouthful of much obliged.”

An urban advocate for the homeless called Canasta’s comments cruel and callous, adding that government officials should learn how to keep their mouths shut on social issues that do not directly concern them.

“Does Ms. Canasta suggest that the homeless rent storage units to keep their belongings safe? Maybe they could form a cardboard owners association. If a homeless person wrecks a grocery cart and an oil tanker dumps oil all over a beach who are we going to prosecute?” she asked.

Canasta, undeterred by mounting criticism of the Department of Final Affairs as well as the Committee of Accidental Impartiality, continued to bash street people saying that even when they steal a cart they don’t take care of it.

“They abuse the cart then trade it in on a new one when nobody’s watching. Victual consumers and poorly motivated grocery personnel should be more careful, more attentive when employing this technology or we might forfeit conveniences like value cards and plastic bags at checkout,” she said.

“The only reason these great unwashed don’t steal the parking lots is that they are nailed down and difficult to store,” she roared. “I do not like the homeless.”
Canasta discounted the claims of human rights’ groups that the misuse of grocery carts are only a symptom of a far greater problem of desperation caused in part by corporate greed and the unfair distribution of opportunity in this country.

“I am so tired of listening to high-strung liberals whining,” said Canasta. “If you can’t cut it here in my America you should be deported.”

– Heather Hoffbrau

US Out of Bombs

(Cheyenne Mountain  —  Refried News  —  January 12, 2016)

In a surprising and somewhat embarrassing news release, the United States gov’ment announced today that it is out of bombs. Although nobody in purchasing has taken responsibility for the depletion of the said weaponry, the inexcusable oversight has been classified as a Level One Security Breach (Official Color Code unavailable) and will be seriously investigated by bureaucrats standing around with their hands in their pockets.

Sources at NORAD say the snafu was not linked to terrorist activity.

“Heads will roll,” stammered one official wearing a bright blue hat designating an upper position in the chain of command.

At present the shortage has been racked up to operator error that bodes unfavorably to the other hierarchies involved in manufacturing, storing and delivery of arsenal inventories all over the globe.

“Clearly someone has failed to communicate or to fill out a simple reorder form,” said the blue hat.

Another chief, this one with green hat, blamed the people in red hats down at production and the yellow hats in shipping. The blue hat was not amused by this buck passing and wondered aloud who else was not paying sufficient attention to the matters of weapons of mass destruction.

“We’re not playing marbles here,” quipped the blue hat. “Someone is in hot water and we will get to the bottom of the gross failure in security system,” he said. “We need to know how far these miscalculations extend and who is not following up on procedures.”

NORAD officials admitted that the gov’emt has been dropping bombs “at a frantic pace” on radical groups in Iraq and Syria, and that stockpiles run the risk of depletion. Estimates suggest that one bomb has been dropped for every 3 ISIS fighters on the ground with less than sparkling results.

“This a more serious security breakdown than all the hacking and undetected messaging among terrorist groups since the beginning of the Syrian civil war,” said the source. “We’ve had some people out on vacation but this is becoming ridiculous.”

– Susie Compost