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Landmark to Host Movie Nights

(November 13, 2014)
The following are but a sampling of the fine classic films to be screened this winter at the Colona Slaughterhouse Theater.

Mrs. Dracula (Hank’s Films, 1934)
In this sequel to “Dracula’s Hometown Girl” the vampire’s widow and seven children must cope with life on the other side. Mrs. Dracula: Ethel Smithers; Professor Bendix: Avery Bligh; Sacrificial Virgin Donna: Betty Garble (her first role.) 99 minutes.

No Viet Cong Ever Called Me For a Date (Within You – Without You-Beside You Pictures)
A spoiled rich socialite (Sally Carp) flunks out of high school then learns a lesson in true love during a magical mystery tour through Northern Laos. Ho Chi Minh: Jack Nickelodeon; Che Guevara: Peter Fonda; Thomas Paine: Andy Warhol.

Apache Misunderstanding (Despot Studios, 1949)
Hearing that the Apaches are lodging a complaint with the US Government concerning the poor conditions on their reservation, a rancher, Ted Cassidy (who later played Lurch on the Adams Family) fears the worst, so he shoots his family rather than have them see him pay higher taxes to placate the local tribes. Geronimo Jones: Victor Mature; Momma Custer; Gwen Hick. 88 minutes.

They Came From Way Up There in the Sky (Big One Productions, 1950)
An alien spacecraft crash-lands on the Pentagon but the Joint Chiefs deny that it ever happened. ZZYXXPHN: Alan Ladd; Dr. Champion: Annabelle Wong. Pentagon: Cheap Styrofoam replica.

Island of Sweat (M&M, 1947)
Marooned on a tropical island paradise with seven gorgeous women, a man (Slick Adams) desperately tries to remain faithful to his one true love, Sister Agnes of Wellesley, who has recently taken the vow of silence. Monday: Ann Carcass; Coconuts: Shirley Jones; Palm Trees: Cheap Styrofoam replica from yard sale in Virginia.

Steamed (Tantamount, 1982)
Curt Jergens fights back against the system by mailing his toenail clippings to people selected at random from the local telephone book. Winken: Jonnie Foster; Blinken: Tater O’Neill; Old Forester: Pinky Lee; Nod: Max Von Sydow. 77 minutes.

The Dead Smell Something Awful
(Slice ‘Em and Dice ‘Em, 1988)
Dead folks raise a big stink in a normally fragrant alpine town. Marie Cornwall: Dianne Lane; Gorbo: Charlie Rocket; Sheriff Pete: Ronald Reagan Junior.

Conga Line to Victory (Milstoned, 1943)
Fantastic yarn adapted for the silver screen. About a USO dance troupe smashing the Axis by twirling around its leaders until they puke. Trip: Donald Ducketape; Shinbone: Veronica lake; Hitler: Max Kaplansky; Mussolini Dancers directed by Dolores Alegria-Turpentino.

Son of Onan Meets Queen of the Eye-Poppers
(Jotunheim, 1953)
Oyah, son of the insignificant Biblical character, Onan, selflessly leads a lost tribe of big-busted women to his tent. Sixteenth in a series. Oya: Stewart Smiley; Queen LaLa: Tina Loiuse; Slave Girl One: Beverly Hill. 6 hours.

Defective Parts of Frankenstein (Nadir, 1968)
The monster barely begins to terrorize the countryside when he is recalled to the castle for a steering mechanism and hair bag dysfunction. The initial foul up drags hapless characters into the fiscal reality of a complete overhaul. Barn Frankenstein: Leonard Nimoy; Creature: Orson Welles; Skinny-Dipping village girls: Diana Ross and the Supreme Quart. Mangy dogs on the set: Mangy dogs from last Funny Animal Videos session.

Soothing soaks this winter

Soothing soaks this winter

A soothing soak in the the Wiesbaden’s vapor cave is a world-class bone-warming experience that should not be missed. Above is the outdoor pool in fall. This mountain treasure is a complete spa with cozy accommodations.

pool at Wiesbaden in Ouray

LaPlata Post Office Innovative

Special from the Old Weird Herald — November 13, 2014
(Durango) Postal workers have developed an interesting solution to the presence of mounds of junk mail received at that agency. According to Sally B. Sortear, special assistant general to the Assistant Postmaster General the answer to the problem was right there all the long.
“We simply throw the junk mail in the trash,” she said.
Postal regulations prohibit this practice since the bulk mailers pay annual fees to send their garbage through the mail. The post office contends that the fees keep rates down for other customers.
Durango plans to throw the junk mail directly into the trashcans in the lobby so that people might still pick it up if they choose to do so. Determining what is junk and what is not can be a problem.
“A flyer from some big box outlet may be junk to some but a treasure to others,” said Sortear.
The move comes on the heels of a Congressional investigation into the mental health of federal workers.
“Here at the post office my coworkers experience depression after seeing all the morning’s sorting in the trash,” she added. “When our clients overstuff trash receptacles it makes us feel less than functional but when they remark as to the absence of junk mail, it gives us a sense of well being.
– Arlo Civitate

Rastafarians for Mondale to Evaporate

Natty Dread News – November 13, 2014

Decades long activist cluster, Rastafarians for Mondale, is set to disband as of the end of the year. Known for its dogged, often reckless pursuit of its ill-defined sense of justice and magical feel for the absurd the RFM will be missed by many.
In utter disarray after the crushing defeat in the 1984 Presidential elections, the group reemerged stronger claiming a membership of at least 6.
Advocates herein say the demise of the RFM is linked to the constant attempts by the Right to discredit policies and goals expressed since the 70s.
“At this point our political focus will be to try to determine why middle class people vote against their interests,” said one former chief of the organization. “These frightened Americans are blaming liberals for their problems when they should be looking at the corporate feudalism that’s just around the corner. Throw in a little racism, sexism and xenophobia and you’ve got a neighborhood blockhead party shouting tiny, small ball solutions for social enigmas that they fail to understand.”
How the Rastafarians for Mondale will affect the 2016 elections is not clear since it has yet to forward an agenda on the issues.
“One thing’s for certain,” said the above source. “We won’t be voting for Hillary.” – Mickie Marvelous

Ridgway was a Major Railroad Intersection in the early 1900s.

Ridgway railroad

Fox News Available in Suppository Format

Latent FCC Approves of Forced Delivery

(Special from Perth-Colona Network — November 13, 2014)
(Rocky Mountain Empire) Viewers can now access FOX news broadcasts by suppository it was announced today. The solid medical preparation, conical or cylindrical, is designed to be dissolved like common inserts so as to promote and facilitate access to the news at all times of the day and from expanded angles of the human body.
“We don’t want to dwell on the graphics or personal biology here,” said a cartoon character disguised as a journalist at the network. “Most people get the idea or will if they are game,” he chuckled. “As with all breakthrough technologies there will be some confusion at first but the adoption of this news feed is really quite simple.
 The executive said the instructions are printed in extra large type to accommodate the needs of older people, who make up a large percentage of FOX loyalists. He admitted that the network’s audience is often slow to grasp content the first time around and that the personalized and capsulated version would give them the opportunity to digest the headlines at their own pace.
Persons who are sight and hearing challenged will also find the suppository helpful in that video size and audio capacity can be controlled right there by dosage and length of time it takes for the fast breaking glycerol or “what you need to know” gelatin news to dissolve in the viewers system.
“More and more we find that our audience has trouble chewing or swallowing,” said the executive, “and the news in suppository form could provide a quick and more logical alternative to actually paying critical attention to the world around them. Sure they swallow our take on current events and may even digest parts of it but not without discomfort. We will continue to chew the stories and features for them,” he said.
Although the official suppository issued by FOX is fear-based it will enter the blood stream and ultimately the consciousness without distraction. Most of the medication is produced only in black and white and is served up in language even the slowest can comprehend. Systematic and local acting medications are nothing next to the heavy mental and verbal laxatives spewed by the news professionals currently on the air.
Viewers are reminded of the 7-point embrace of the FOX information flow: 1.) Wash your hands and brain thoroughly 2.) Lie on your side 3.) breath deeply 4.) Remove confusing wrapper installed by the Obama Administration 5.) Lubricate projected probe area fully 6.) Adjust daily dosage to explain reality. 7.) Enjoy.
With a little common sense, interested Americans can secure a smooth, consistent flow of our news. Viewers awaiting Parrot Checks, payments by FOX to viewers and listeners who repeat ignorant observations, juvenile conclusions, rumors, concoctions, untruths and slanted opinions while engaged in political discussion, will be pleased to note that the recompense should be arriving this week just in time for the late summer sale at Wal-Mart. – Fred Zepellin