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(Winston-Salem, NC) The average tobacco company executive calls his mother on Sundays, never misses a family birthday and loves little puppies according to a recently released personality sketch by hired gun publicists for the American Tobacco Association.

The bosses dress nice, are well educated as to foreign markets, have never been involved in the White slave trade, did not vote for Joe Stalin, are not on welfare, have a strong interest in youth, and do not smoke.

The data was collected by polling the top tobacco executives in North Carolina.

In addition pollsters found that the average exec was trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.

The National Rifle Association and the Republican Party disavowed rumors that a similar survey may be exercised within the ranks of these entities.

– Jerry Mandering

“Democracy and stupidity just don’t mix.”  – Alex Hamilton


Private Sector Wants Piece of DUI Pie

(Malfunction) Fresh from the lucrative bonanza of prison construction earnings, private enterprise now seeks to jump on the DUI gravy train. With burgeoning profits from drunk driving arrests being recorded at national and local levels, businessmen are primed to make yet another killing. The low-overhead operations have filled gov’ment coffers due to fines and court cost leaving hopped up citizens to pay the tab.

“If a driver sucks down two beers and gets behind the wheel he could be forced into bankruptcy,” said Leopold Bloom, head of a contingent of entrepreneurs who seek to be let in on this evil profiteering. “If the cops want to get all the drunks off the road they should share the enforcement with privateers motivated solely by money. Let’s face it,” Bloom continued. “There’s little effort based on serve and protect. It’s all about cash.”

Fears among capitalists that the public will rise up and demand an end to fiscal punishment, insisting rather on loss of license for life followed by stiff prison terms, were heard as far away as the United States Senate Friday. The recent changes at the legislative level, namely the House and Senate submission to direct corporate sponsorship, threaten a relaxation of current legal alcohol levels nationwide.

     “We may be forced to succumb to the wishes of sin industries like beer and wine,” said Colorado Senator Betty Racehorse Proctor and Gamble .

     “The paternal corporations don’t really own us,” said Jesse Phillip Morris Newport (LSMFT-NC). “Oh, this Marlboro logo on my lapel? It’s not really advertising. It’s underwriting.” Helms went on to say that smoking won’t hurt anyone, especially while on the highway.

     “And I don’t mean no pot neither,” he spat. 

– Ernesto Poltroon

If Jesus of Nazareth was appointed to the US Supreme Court how would he vote on issues such as child welfare, air pollution, white supremacy, climate change, immigration, women’s rights, private prisons, wars, the imbalance of wealth, the Second Coming and the morality of the current White House? Please send answers to Fundamentalists for the Apocalypse in East Jerusalem.

Highway 50 Toll Road Opens Today

(Montrose) Motorists will now pay a minimal fee for the right to operate their vehicles on Highway 50 from Monarch Pass to Grand Junction according to a spokesman for the Colorado Department of Transcendental Mobility and Gravitational Dimensions.

The fee, larger than a bread box, but smaller than the national debt, will be levied based on weight, distance traveled and attitude. Tips are appreciated.

Heavier vehicles, especially tractor-trailers that already pay considerable road tax, will be charged slightly higher than say, tin yupster four-wheel-drive transports and microbuses.

“We don’t like to let this kind of cat out of the bag since people might think we’re all sitting around on our asphalt,” said Princess Irm Peawit, whose father Reginald Peawit was recognized as King of the Highway during a stint as Detector of Roads and Bridges during the Eisenhower years.

“After all, I just sort of inherited this job and, well, I wouldn’t want people to think I’m taking my responsibilities lightly. Hell, I might want to run for governor or even dog catcher down the primrose path,” she stressed.

Peawit went on to explain that the toll concept actually saves taxpayers a bundle since it negates overtime paid out to idle billboard stretchers, perplexed tattoo artists and semi-retired blacktop consultants. She refused to retrace the horizontal math employed in the decision making process but hinted that it was “a no-brainer” to decide what color to paint the lines on the highways.

“People who complain about the toll or react in what is perceived as a hostile manner will be charged more and in some cases held up for hours,” said Peawit.

“All of our toll engineers are equipped with an assortment of stun-guns and two-way radios. We realize this charge is inconvenient for most motorists but one has to understand that poor highway maintenance still costs money.”

When asked what her department has done with tax revenues earmarked for roads, Peawit referred to the notes written on her arm and said, “We have been informed that those funds will be used to build stadiums for wealthy sports franchises over in Denver.”

Bighorns on Highway 50 near Blue Mesa. Will they too pay tolls this winter?

Coincidentally the toll road opens just prior to the expected annexation of Parlin by Gunnison and the arrival of tourist ski season.

“We have to keep up with corn prices,” said Peawit who echoed projections that the city of Montrose will be twice the size of Denver by the year 2026. The nearby hamlet of Colona has billed itself as The New LA by 2030.

“Hard to believe, isn’t it,” she quipped, distancing herself from the frightening projections.

In a related piece, sources are mum with regards to a rumor that the Colorado House has approved a transaction that would send Colorado water to California in return for an extended culture package.

– Uncle Pahgre

“In Kentucky and Tennessee settles were thrown from their beds and heard timbers of their cabins wretch apart and watched the bricks crumble into heaps of debris masked in choking clouds of dust. Bridges snapped and tumbled into rivers and creeks. Glass shattered, fences and bars collapsed and fires broke out. Steep ravines and cliffs slipped filling accompanying chasms, and the country was blanketed with a deafening roar. Such was the great sign of Tecumseh.”

– from The Frontiersmen by Alan W. Eckert


(Gateway) Finny Scanlan didn’t get a lot of dates. From her 16th birthday until just last month, at the ripe old age of 24, she’d been out once, and that was just to Nucla.

Then her world turned upside down with the purchase of a new Power Macintosh (G series with zip drive and CD ram capabilities built right in). Almost immediately her attitude went from one characterized by constant crashes and computer spread to one of desk top harmony. She had met Mr. Right and he was at her fingertips.

“At first I thought What would my friends think? but then I figured where were my friends on all those cold lonely nights that I spent alone crying myself to sleep in my double-wide up Unaweep Canyon?”

Taught at an early age to take things one day at a time Finny proceeded tenuously spending only so much time with her new romantic interest. When she went on-line and flirted with E-Mail she realized she was head over heels in love.

“He began to generate his very own dialogue,” she said. “Sometimes it was in response to a question or prompt, other times it was solely on his own. Then there were the times that he sent love messages out of the blue.”

Scanlan was at first frightened when Roy, named after a cousin from over Paradox way who died during a cloning experiment there in 1996, began to contact her on other systems. In addition to passionate pleas over her screen he sent love notes over the microwave oven and the TV.

“He even talked to me through the garage door opener and once, on a particularly warm May evening through the blender.”

Failing in her attempts to end the relationship several times, Finny soon realized it was meant to be. She thought of his 300MHz, his nine gig capacities, his hard drive with 85 MB virtual memory. He was accessible 24 hours a day, didn’t stop at the bar on the way home and seemed quite compatible with her internal drives.

“Then he popped the question. It was early one morning,” she explained. I turned him on only to find the mouse inactive and the screen frozen with the words Will ya? at the bottom.”

She typed in Yes and the rest is academic. The two were married the next weekend in Las Vegas where these kinds of unions are legal provided one has the administration fees.

The couple plans to have a laptop in the fall.

– Small Mouth Bess



Atrocious salary sends shock waves through the pasture

(Gunnison 1890) Brackey Toate started working on his father’s tiny ranch near Parlin in 1878. Little did he know he would be a wealthy man in less than ten years. Today he signed a lucrative multi-year contract for what amounts to $95 per month.

The free agent jumped ship in Baldwin last September to try his luck in the burgeoning market. The expansion of ranch land has left the industry with a diluted wrangler pool and seriously short of cowboys familiar with the round-up. Some ranchers have turned to other countries for manpower while the larger ones simply tighten their belts and pay the higher wages.

“This is outrageous!” said one pot-bellied rancher from Quartz Creek. Wild Bill Hickock only makes $150! This kind of money sets a dangerous precedent! Who will pay for these kinds of salaries? It’s the consumer.”

Beef prices have skyrocketed over the past year partly due to the competition for cowboys.

“We have to compete,” said Crystal Alripe, matriarch of the Yellow Tail Ranch near White Pine. “The boys and I can’t run the place on our own so we have to hire seasonal help at least. The cost has become prohibitive. I remember when a cowhand was happy to get a dollar a day and board,” she quipped. “Now they’re looking for the big dollars! Where will it all end?”

Toate’s contract includes incentives, health benefits, horse expenses, a clothing allowance and his own bunkhouse entrance. In addition he gets first crack at the dinner table and holidays off.

“This marks a new day in agriculture,” said Alripe. “The next thing you know the cows will want a piece of the action.”

Besides his daily chores on the ranch, Toate will train to compete in the National Western Stock Show Rodeo which opens in Denver in January. Fiscal wizards say that his performance there will determine future bonuses.

“This scandalous salary is only the beginning,” explains banker Tom Watchitt of Gunplay Bank and Trust in Vulcan. “Besides the income Toate is looking at endorsements, perks from special interests and investment opportunities that would choke a bull. If he plays it right he could be quite wealthy and look forward to an early retirement.”

Already Toate has been groomed as a spokesman for Cheeky Chew, a popular brand of chewing tobacco and may be featured on advertisements for the Million Dollar Boot Company of Ironton. According to close friends he plans to buy a spread near Ohio City and raise Herefords.

“It’s a whole new world that we live in,” continued Alripe, “one where a simple cowpuncher can make his fortune overnight and where others don’t seem to grasp the value of a dollar.”

Toate is expected to report to spring training in February after completing a conditioning program here. If all goes well he will start against the Longhorns on Opening Day.

– Slim “Fats” McGovern




(Montrose) The Wal-Mart Corporation announced today that it will get tough with insubordinate, mutinous employees who do not live and breathe the company’s philosophy. Starting in 2019 a slew public of executions have been slated for the store’s massive parking lot, located south of here.

The move, called radical by even the staunchest of Wal-Mart supporters, will take on an experimental flare and may lead to the adoption of similar measures at other locales. Employees in jeopardy are said to be those who resist tried and true corporate brain washing techniques and flirt with heresy concerning the divine rights of the discount giant.

“We don’t expect management personnel to be affected by these developments,” said a regional executive who once washed Sam Walton’s feet during a trip to South Korea in 1985. “The people are simply not team players.”

Others in line for the end include persons who hesitated when instructed to give part of their meager wages to charity.

“We love those pictures in the local papers where our employees make donations to good causes,” said the executive. “It makes us look good without costing us any money. I for one can’ believe people are so quick to buy this crap but that’s what makes this country what it is.”

The concept of public executions emerged with the proposed Wal-Mart Super Store, slated for construction next to the massive Mormon Church south of town. Company heads are concerned that negative publicity as to the construction will prevent the mass retailer from securing 100% of the trade in the region.

“We don’t want a fair market share,” smiled the executive. “We want it all. We want to turn the traditional downtown into a slum and ship all the profits out of town and our customers are helping us do just that. It’s really quite simple.”

Many residents of the area do not comprehend the damage done to a community when leeches like Wal-Mart latch on. Some even defend the noxious corporation since it creates jobs and convenience. They do not address the cost of to the quality of life and the impact on the social structure here.

The first executions, scheduled for dawn on January 15, will skirt the jurisdiction of several law enforcement agencies since they will be held on private property. Condemned persons will have their choice of firing squad, lethal injection or guillotine. Family members will be admitted free and commemorative photographs of the event will be available (at 20% off with charge card) in the store’s camera department. Accrued retirement benefits will revert back to the corporation’s stockholders at the time of passing. Everyone is invited!

“Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”

– H.L. Menoken