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State cracks down on counterfeit barbecue aromas

(Gunnison) With the summer coming to a close, the Colorado Health Department has set new restrictions on escaping food odors, especially when the gastronomic source is unconfirmed. Popular fragrances, like those emanating from slowly smoked meats, are expected to be the first to go under the microscope.

Is this simple protectionism from an overzealous government agency? The effort is aimed at a less than appreciative populace that overwhelmingly feels it can make its own olfactory decisions.

Many industry spokespersons say the state has no place in curbing non-threatening scents and that the diversity in their culinary art is celebrated through the familiar bouquet generated by the cooking over traditional hardwoods. They demand an end to the interference which they claim diminishes the entire eating experience.

Meanwhile the government insists it is reevaluating phony aromas that may mislead people as to what’s for dinner.

“We don’t want a lot of culinary disappointments clouding prospective menus,” said one official. “We want people to smell the right smell and react in a positive manner. If we allow the presence and acceptance of bogus aromas we could throw off the entire food chain.”

The source went on to say that her agency is highly concerned with maintaining a passive population at all times.

“Pavlovian expectation can be devastating to a social order that wallows in promises of better days to come” she explained.

Pulling out a handy anatomical chart, she reminded consumers that the sense of smell is one of the five human senses along with sight, sound, feeling and taste. That said it was apparent everyone was not buying in to this latest safeguard.

“Why doesn’t our benevolent gov’ment address the subject of pollution and the rotting ozone instead of instituting high-handed limits on secondary aromas? asked one consumer advocate. “We’re not talking life threatening rudiments like fossil fuel pollution or even cigarette smoke here.”

Other critics say that governments prefer to frighten its citizenry with mindless concerns while ignoring real issues that are beyond its reach. They cite decisions to drop bombs rather than repair bridges.

“Diversions like barbecue smells mask the inability to solve real social problems and maintain infrastructure,”said the consumer advocate. “Sadly. the voters get the leaders they deserve.”

Colorado and other states fear the federal wing of the growing mess will cut off matching funds if they do not comply with the new precincts.

-Uncle Pahgre

Black Run at Cedaredge?

One of the "Black Runs" on the Back Nine at Cedaredge beckons the autumn linkster. Beautiful weather and uncrowded fairways

Hold the skis. this is a challenging hole on the Back Nine at Cedraedge Golf Course. Great weather, seasonal specials and uncrowded fairways beckon the autumn linkster. 


Afghani Engineers to Tour Ridgway

(Ridgway) A group of visiting Afghani civil engineers will be in Ridgway this week to observe recent road construction in the former railroad town. The contingent of visitors will monitor traffic patterns and interview residents affected by the lengthy construction project aimed at relieving congestion at high volume periods.

Its people from out nation’s longest war visiting our nation’s longest construction project. Although the note and picture taking might seem obsessive to some, town planners say it demonstrates the desire on the part of the privileged to document successes and apply them to chaotic Afghanistan.

“We especially want to examine lighting fixtures and new drainage systems along with cosmetic improvements along the way,: said Mohammed Zulu-Quake, chair of the Engineering School at Kabul University.

Paving streets in Afghanistan in no way constitutes nation building, say critics of the new/old foreign policy currently unfolding in South Asia., who contend that peace must emerge from a deeper psyche. Naysayers insist that the people prefer to wallow in superstition and tribalism which apparently works for them.

“Although asphalt and center lines can provide a shallow security, it does nothing to relieve and address the frustrations of a generation of Afghanis,” said the academic. “We are focused on improving infrastructure, not social structure. That will come when our house is in order, when the horse is again before the cart. Squalid attempts to mask our failures in flowery talk of liberty and democracy don’t provide so much as a slice of bread.”

“The nagging question remains: Is nation building something one can achieve on a stepladder or does the adjustment require an hoist, scaffolding and maybe even an explosive or two?” he asked.

– Abdul “Mickey” Sands 


Champion Fly Swatter in Town

(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin Toolefly is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.   

Toolefly’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.

Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during a recent interview with The Gunnison Times.

“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” praised the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands. No electric zappers, no fly paper, no SWAT team…He just did it with perseverance and guts. Lots of guts.”

A bit jumpy, Toolefly sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.

– Rocky Flats

Sand traps and landfills

Peace Treaty with Bad Angels in Jeopardy

(Hell) An antediluvian agreement, allegedly signed in the primeval dust of angelic battle, has been destroyed by fire according to demonic sources here.

“It is a tragedy of epic proportions,” said a prepared statement from downstairs.

The loss of the original pact between Good and Evil leaves that classic truce hanging by its ears. It’s destruction casts doubt on the validity of contracts, grants and leases written and signed before or since it was reduced to Hadean ashes. It also puts the Two Eternal Powers toe to toe and could dictate a return to hostilities.

Heaven, hesitant to mobilize for fear of offending its most favored trading partner, has declared a nationalemergency so as to give attorneys time to respond or find a copy of the initial peace treaty.

Both sides have shared little, preferring to jockey for godly position, one eye on the saints and the other on the sinners. Meanwhile the entire salvation mechanism has broken down as bureaucrats ignore daily chores so as to more effectively measure adversaries on the power pole.

One celestial expert is quick to dismiss the crisis. “…rusty-saber wing flapping by a bunch of old-fart arch-angels that would be better off playing golf.”

“Good and Evil have been co-existing for so long that it is often hard to tell one from the other…like right and wrong,” she flinched. “They are comfortable together.”

Sociable scientists in Purgatory say the entire episode is politically motivated and that morale is particularly low in hell this time of the year.

“The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, warns a Purgatorial proverb,” she quipped.

“By now the place must be overcrowded with sinners of all shapes and sizes. Seriously, I’ve heard the food ain’t half bad the service is inhumane.”

– Daddy Longlegs