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What I’ve Found Out

with O’Toole of the Andes

Jobs in the cannabis and solar industries are more than coal and gas/oil drilling combined but they threaten Big Pharm and Petroleum profits so they are demonized by the right.

Driverless cars confuse the issue in Saudi Arabia. Prince hopes to reengineer country. Nascar popular/women drivers in Riyadh a new concept…

Allowing  the Attorney General of the United States to own a private prison (for young Black men who plea bargained down on pot charges) isn’t just conflict of interest it’s like letting a coyote operate a chicken processing plant and expecting him to adhere to health standards.  – “Keebler the Elf”

Do you think that maybe there is a connection between the US presence in Poppy Heaven Afghanistan and the jump in heroin use in the United States? Remember when the CIA allowed the unblemished flow into Vietnam during the war there proving GIs were indeed expendable. During the Vietnam War it was easier to buy a bag of heroin than a bag of noodles.

Beginning a statement with “Look…” used to be considered rude and condescending.

Sagebrush malts may hold key to longevity…but only if you stay high

Male dogs lie, so do politicians.

Nazis sent their mentally impaired to work camps. We just send ours back onto the streets.

Anti-Christ’s can be fat liars, ignorant plutocrats,  and closet white supremacists.

Unicorns rarely fart rainbows

Most of the world spends a good chunk of the day standing around looking at each other waiting for something of marginal significance to happen. Others sit in offices trying to make it look like they are engaged in something. The rest sleep in the park.

Small batch hand grenades and crude cottage industry explosives, while considered overkill in most civilized societies, could be tastefully implemented when confronted with digital car alarm, barking ankle bitters and blaring radio stations in Armenia, Colombia.

Tropical/Samba makes me happy. Salsa makes me crazy.

Cowboys should be added to the Endangered Species roster.

In his farewell address, Ronald Reagan said this: “After 200 years, two centuries, [the United States] still stands strong and true on the granite ridge, and her glow has held steady no matter what storm. And she’s still a beacon, still a magnet for all who must have freedom, for all the pilgrims from all the lost places who are hurtling through the darkness, toward home.”

Uncle Ben defects to China

(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin one removed to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “Uncle Ben” Brown has reportedly fled to the People’s Republic of China where he has already applied for political asylum.

The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret white rice recipes to the Chinese. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Peking via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.

“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”

The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Trump Administration who had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.

 A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.

“In no way should Ms Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for the anarchy in Liberia or the war in the Congo.”

 When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after dinner.

“There are substitutes for oil; there is no substitute for fresh water.”

– Paul Ehrich, from The Population Bomb, 1968

CONGRESS REPEALS VASELINE TAX

(Washington) Despite a threatened veto by President Trump, the Senate today repealed a controversial Vaseline tax of four cents per jar. Funds raised from this fiscal assessment are alocated for general infrastructure. Readers may recall that a hefty 25 cent surcharge-maintenance-jurisdictional-retrograde- fusion tax was implemented last month with the funds earmarked for roads, bridges, airports, urban transportation, police and fire departments.

Many see this recent action as double-dipping

Proponents of that tax were convinced that their constituents would gladly pay a small stipend of this kind in lieu of a more painful process of hand-me-down legislation. Many feared that the general fund attached to infrastructure spending is the perfect place to launder under-the-counter dollars. It is seen by many as an unmonitored money pit that is less than definitive and more secretive as the band plays on.

“Making up volumes of new laws every day isn’t easy and the President, of all people, should recognize this,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy Party-WY), author of the Vaseline Amendment. “It’s bad enough the voters have to listen to all that is generated in these sacred chambers without making citizens pay a another tax on top of it all.”

The Noise family owns more than 30 Vaseline Mines in the Wind River region and a series of open-pit Vaseline extraction operations near Sheridan, at Hair Tonic Springs.

Opponents of the amendment, issued this statement following the final vote:

“This new tax is highway robbery! Attempts to lubricate the executive and legislative branches of government in the late 20th Century deserve some credit, at least with reference to the hands-on process with which we have become accustomed. If the American voter will put up with Congressional shenanigans and pay that body to do nothing why should we be surprised that they are trying to make us as comfortable as possible while we are being manipulated. We feel that the Vaseline Tax was a valid assessment and that four cents not only guaranteed the free flow of commerce but also insured the ready availability of the product. The new tax, as was stated above is grand larceny.”

One television news anchor paraphrased the statement saying that the Congress has responded to public opinion and that it is clear that the American people will not pay any price for comfort. She then fell dead at her station, an apparent victim of over simplification and/or some bad sushi, purchased from a swarthy street vender in Soggy Bottom.

Meanwhile Vice President Bill “Hoosier Willy” Pence, fresh from a scrumptious kimchi and jeotgal and lunch with God, was busy feeling someone’s pain. An 12-year old aide, however, told reporters that the tax was valid.

     “Do you know how much Vaseline costs in Puerto Rico?” he asked.

– H.L. Menoken

Thousands Illegally on Endangered List

(Montrose) Thousands of Americans are illicitly included on the Endangered Species Roster according to an Interior Department spokesperson here. The situation, which has been out of hand since mobs of illegal immigrants began crossing the U.S. border in the Seventies, is getting worse.

     Desperate people feel that inclusion on the endangered list might net them citizenship, benefits or even financial assistance somewhere down the road according to the source.

“They are making it difficult for the people who are legitimately endangered and have a Constitutional right to government programs and help,” said the spokesperson. “If these numbers continue to grow we may have to scrap the entire concept and let nature take its corpse.”

Most data suggests that 70% of the names currently listed on the roster belong there. The other 30% is made up of persons, citizens or not, who feel that their best hope for the future is to be technically endangered.

“Nobody’s hunting brown-nosed ferrets or humpback ptarmigans anymore, are they?” smiled the Interior Department memo writer. “We don’t blame these people for wanting a better life but they’re messing up our statistics, and we don’t like that. It’s pretty much an economic issue that may require bringing home all of our troops to man the borders in the near future.”

At present there are no politicians on the master list. Likewise lawyers, cell phone salesmen, pimps, television evangelists and developers are markedly absent.

By definition, species that are at risk today or may not survive tomorrow due to decreasing numbers are included on the endangered list but only after Congressional approval. Many of the persons who are currently on the register fit well on this grid despite the fact that the planet’s human population is exploding.

“What we have here is a desperate surge toward survival by persons who cannot find other forms of refuge,” said the federal source. “The solution is simple enough: We need to create some new official gov’ment categories and more lists to join so that these intruders can gain a sense of belonging. Then we can go about our primary business of putting wild animals into zoos for their own protection. We hate to see people being made into criminals just because they have no other options.”

Meanwhile the Bush Administration has given persons who are on the list illegally until March to turn themselves in or face deportation.

– Fred Zeppelin

“No dar papaya!” – Don’t leave valuables around tempting people to steal. Lit: “Don’t give your money (away).

TATTOOS MAY ADD YEARS TO LIFE

(Needle Rock, CA) Adorning the body with tattoos may have some positive effects according to a new study just released by the School of Psychometrics at Cal Polygamy. According to clear findings people with tattoos live longer, on average, than people without the designs.

Of the subjects tested back in March of 1955 and again in May of 1965, then interviewed in 1995 and 2018 almost 90% of those who had tattoos are still kicking. Many had worked as sailors, often from merchant marine ships and fishing trawlers.

“There were far more of these old salt types still alive in 1990 than there are in 2018,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, (of the Gladstone Pennywhistles mind you) chair of the department. “We’ll just have to write that off to inflation. The survey does have a built in inaccuracy component of 14% which is a bit high for these kinds of studies.”

The researchers do not yet know what they will do with the findings until all the data can be further scrutinized and be offset with other similar studies. At present neither the FDA or the AMA have endorsed the displaying of tattoos, or even body piercing, despite links to booster shots and the uses of leeches in treatment.

Reaction within the tattoo and body painting community was guarded with advocacy groups insisting tattoos were “never about mortality, and certainly not morality.”

Local parlors report a slight upturn in walk-in traffic but nothing dramatic.

“We always see a lot of new faces around the holidays,” said Syd Fahrdt, owner of Seaweed Tattoo in Delta. “I don’t know what we’re gonna do with all these toothless tattooed people living into their Nineties and more. “The strain on social services is already out of control here,”

Any connection between these discoveries and the well documented attempt by Argentine surgeons to transplant a human ego into a slab of beef have not been established.

– Small Mouth Bess

Martian Web Site Discovered

(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the Viking they did it from a home computer.

     Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.

     “What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”

     The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet which has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything.

     When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.

     “It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.

     Meanwhile sources within the Trump Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “We believe the world to be flat.”

     Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.

     “We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”

     The two boys have been taken into protective custody by government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if its a hoax. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space.

-Muriel Boteliff