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Local Preacher Warns of “Diseased Currency”

(Elysian Fields, Colorado – Nov 28, 2014) Local evangelist Leroy Sainte continues to warn residents of this tranquil seaside village about life threatening maladies carried by $50 and $100 bills. The reverend contends that the U.S. currency harbors communicable diseases that are almost always fatal. He suggests that the faithful, and anyone else interested in surviving the fiscal epidemic, hand over the tainted dough to the Blinding Light First Backwards Church before it is too late. The bulk of the collected funds will be stored in the glove compartment of Sainte’s recently purchased Cadillac sedan until an antidote can be developed. Rev. Sainte reminds his flock that the entire experience is tax deductible.

Chimp Kicks 90 Yard Punts

Chimp Kicks 90 Yard Punts

Chimpanzee Smiling for Camera(Nairobi, Kenya, November 28, 2014)) Alfonsie the Chimp is bucking for a spot on an NFL squad this season. The gifted monkey has been booming outrageous punts on both the practice field and in games during his tenure at Primate State, a span of over three years.
Back in 2013, he punted a football all the way across Seychelles, a 451 square kilometer island off the coast of Madagascar. Then just last September he boomed another gargantuan kick halfway across Gambia (10,380 square kilometers). His recent barrage includes punts of 89. 93, 90 and 88 respectively. A walk-on in 2011, he was first considered a place kicker.
“The kid can kick 70-yard field goals pretty consistently,” said trainer Kunta “Little Richard” Wahlahey, “but his punts are tremendous. They have an almost magical quality to them. Ask anyone who has watched Alfonsie and they will tell you.”
Wahlahey added that the chimp’s potential is infinite and that he just got serious about his footwork while playing futbol/soccer as a schoolboy at Swinging Vine Academy in his home country of Tanzania.
“Playing football is way better than living as just another attraction at some zoo or circus,” said Wahlahey, himself a retired high-wire artist. “Traditionally chimps have been limited in scope to these types of employment. I know monkeys and the instinctive bad anger raps, tantrums and destructive tendencies will subside with a fair wage established.”
Alfonsie is entertaining several offers to try out with an assortment of NFL and CFL teams next spring. His size and testy disposition withstanding he’s got a good shot at sticking with someone say experts.
“How the little fella gets that much projection and hang time is beyond football imagination,” continued Wahlahey. “He can boot the ball even farther without shoulder pads and a helmet weighing him down.”
After what promises to be a successful stint as a professional, Alfonsie would like to return to his native Africa to coach American football and wrestling at the high school level. – Sparky Sparrow