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TRAFFIC REPORT

(Continued from page 4)

fell dead asleep at the wheel, his foot lodged in a contorted position, pressing firmly against the accelerator. The 1959 Buick then proceeded down Main Street, crossing the intersection at Townsend and headed east at an estimated speed of 83 mph. Knocking economy cars and pickups out of its way like they were toys, the runaway Buick wreacked havoc throughout the downtown district, uprooted trees, slamming into curbs and sending pedestrians scurrying for cover. Fortunately, no serious injuries were reported.

     Continuing its hellish trek eastward, the Buick managed to take out a row of new cars at one car lot and skidded out of town sideways on Highway 50, its driver snoring away peacefully. Finally, as if by heavenly intervention the Buick turned off from the main thoroughfare, climbed the hill and ran out of gas in the parking lot of the Black Canyon National Park.  Assault rangers arrived hours later and fired a volley of a pee-shot from their special issue squirrel rifles (with silencers) into the offenders’ windshield.

     Police arrived on the scene the next afternoon and and cited the driver for leaving the scene of an accident and for not wearing a seatbelt.

Toole in custody on spy rap

(Midland TX) Career diplomat and FBI fire marshal, Melvin Toole is in jail here accused of spying on the Trump Administration for the Republic of Freedonia. The suspect was observed taking photographs of the president and his guests at an unidentified donor’s ranch near here.

When apprehended by Secret Service agents out on a routine iced tea run, Toole had with him a set of digital binoculars, a six-pack of Lone Star and a topo map of downtown Toledo, Ohio.

A message from Toole to Freedonian freedom fighters, intercepted by intelligence sources in Texas, reports that “Nothing of interest is going on here”.

Espionage experts at Dreamland Security say Toole has sent as many as fifty such dispatches to Freedonia since Opening Day of baseball seaso, 2017. The experts say he is using a very complex and archaic code which has yet to be broken even though it only uses three letters and the pound sign.

“This information matches up with data collected by other suspected Freedonian agents operating in Washington,” said one agent, who alleged that spies employed every method of communication from homing pigeons to E-mail.

An arraignment is scheduled for later in the week. Anyone wishing to turn himself/herself in as an alleged Freedonian spy should call the White House.

– Gabby Haze

CONGRESS TO VOTE ON 25-HOUR DAY

(Washington) The U.S. House of Reprehensibles has scheduled a vote on whether to add an hour to each day of the week. Despite the obvious inconveniences, a majority of the legislators seem to think the bill will become law this week.

“If passed the new bill would be even sillier than Daylight Savings Time, clean shave campaigning and the electoral process all rolled into one,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “If I didn’t hear the proposal with my own ears I’d have said it was a bad joke.”

Noise told The Horseshoe that increasing the hours in a day was nothing more than a smokescreen thrown up by members of Congress accused of ethics violations. He said it was an attempt to conceal questionable behavior by keeping the public off balance.

“If people don’t know what day it is they are less likely to notice our shenanigans,” he smiled.

Noise is currently under investigation on some 300 ethics charges which allegedly include the sale of weapons before breakfast, illegally dumping household trash in the Congressional dumpster and leaving the seat up in a unisex latrine at the White House. He is expected to plead no lo contesto sometime next week.

“If all the senators and representatives who are under the gun with regards to ethics violations vote for the 25-hour day you’d better buy a new calendar,” quipped Noise. “I myself prefer the hour glass which doesn’t require a battery or winding. All one has to do is turn the thing over and he automatically buys himself a little more time. That’s how government works.”

The Congress, only in session for about three months per year due to rampant absenteeism, trips to the bank and campaigning, The legislative body will also decide on other issues such as the validity of eclectric cars, a new logo for Supreme Court judge’s costumes, what to buy for Billy Joel’s new baby and whether the presence of women behind the wheel of a car in Saudi Arabia will drive up the price of crude oil.

 “Then we’ll have lunch,” snipped Noise.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

$37 view in Jardin, Colombia

The finest place to stay in Colombia! Hospadaje Rural La Boira offers a spectacular setting, comfortable lodging and a superb breakfast for a great price. Located about a kilometer from the plaza in Jardin, it can be easily accessed by motoraton, a bicycle or your feet. The three-room hostel is quite popular and reservations should be made at least two weeks ahead.

Missing Link “Apprehended”on White House lawn

White House security forces may have prematurely announced the capture of the curiously illusive Missing Link on Friday. Although it appears the Link was in custody at four different locations inside hastily constructed White House fortifications, nobody seems to know his present location.

 Carrying only a beach chair, a seaman’s lantern and dressed in a designer loincloth, the Link reportedly scaled a fifteen foot fence with ease as officers pursued from assorted directions.

“It’s like playing Chinese checkers without a Chinaman,” said one veteran gatekeeper. “I for one believe The Link is capable of space changing and leaps of terrifying measure,” he went on. “I saw it wth these eyes. He is resilient and other-worldly even though he may be the glue that holds our genetic history together.”

A conflicting news account has him escaping capture and disappearing into the Potomac. A Maryland woman says she saw what might have been the Missing Link crossing the street in Takoma Park. A former police officer who now operates Soggy Bottom Daycare Center in Chinatown says the fugitive from justice lives in a seedy apartment nearby.

Other high-ranking intelligence sources claim he has applied for political asylum at the Etruscan Embassy in Virginia.

This appears to be the latest in a series of White House fence jumping although it is the first incident connected to the Missing Link.

It is not clear why the FBI, the CIA, Interpol, the KGB, the NRA and an assortment of state and local law enforcement agencies are so interested in the movements of the Link, who has managed to elude them all for the past 20 years.

“Maybe the Missing Link don’t know nothin’ or maybe he knows just a little too much,” said one county sheriff. “Either way his capture would put a feather in someone’s cop cap. 

-Susie Compost

Inventor de Beenie Weenies aplastado por camión de cemento

(Cimarrón) El titular lo dice todo y, aunque no hubo testigos oculares, la conjetura es que el Abdule “Mickey” Silkworme, de 98 años, debería haberse puesto un poco más de pie.

Justo momentos después del impacto, Silkworme fue sacado de la autopista 50 y llevado al Hospital Memorial St. Roscoe en Montrose. El conductor del camión, sospechoso de estar conectado con cargos de golpe y fuga, ya que no estaba en ningún lado, no fue identificado.

“¿Cuántos camiones de concreto pudieron haber en las cercanías en el momento del choque?”, Preguntó un diputado local. “Encontraremos a la persona responsable y desconectaremos su enchufe”.

Se espera que Silkworme sobreviva (ya que nadie muere en estas noticias). Los familiares expresaron alivio al decir que ya habían tirado de la lengüeta de su ataúd de estaño y esperaban una herencia ordenada para el fin de semana “.

– Sir Otis of Liver