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Spring Dining Guide

MO’S TOWN SOUL FOOD CAFE, “Where we turn over the tablecloth for you,” (3763 Indian Massacre Blvd. Wimpton). Mo has been around since they built the Riverside Snowshed and she’s been feeding people even longer than that. The pre-Mon-troid cuisine includes Franco-American Spaghetti, frozen TV dinners, assorted frozen pot pies, bologna sandwiches and fish sticks. Why eat at home when you can dine out? Try Mo’s- “Where the Can is King!”

THE KENNEL LOUNGE, (Sapinero Center). How about Birdseed Etouffe or Turtle on the Half Shell? It’s all here! Kibble Quiche, Bones Rockefeller or Magpie Pie. All entrees served in a dirty dish out on the back stairs. Reservations discarded.

NAUTILUS STEAKHOUSE, (Ophir Loop North, two blocks from the dump). Finally someone has combined the fitness rage with the eating obsession. After a brief orientation, diners find themselves inhaling pepperoni pizzas during sit-ups as well as baked potatoes and 1/2 chicken during aerobics. Pot boys in muscle hats, too! Developed by Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of “Feel Good Fat,” which is on sale in the lobby. Get “The Doc” to autograph your copy. He’s probably in the bar.

CHATEAU MARMOT, Redstone. Ribs by the truckload. All you can eat by the hour, day, week or month. Three corpse meals from $6.50. Omelets so tasty you’d never know they use powdered eggs. Prime Squid is just $11, while New York Snake goes for $9.95. “Bodacious vittles” says Omar Whelp of “Popular Mechanics.” “Plenty of empty tables,” says Sue Croppy of “Woodworker’s Anonymous.” Closed February.

NICK’S ASBESTOS LOUNGE, Cahone Flagship. “Give them two or three stiff drinks and they won’t criticize the food.”- Nick Pelaruskas. Specializing in entrees that begin with “E”. Eggrolls, eclairs, escargot, enchiladas and eel are some examples. 40 percent gratuity required with groups of more than one. “ Dirtiest kitchen in the San Juans.”- Health inspector.

OUR PROMISE TO YOU: IF YOU CAN EAT AFTER READING THIS NEWSPAPER WE’LL BUY YOUR DINNER AT ONE OF THE RESTAURANTS LISTED ABOVE.

DIVINE POWER RANKINGS

Week 86 (Perceived Armageddon)

1. Jesus Christ. Missionary network keeps the offense competitive. Home field advantage may curtail problems with simple playbook taken to extremes by fans. Righteous in the Red Zone will make the difference when push comes to shove.

2. Mohammed. Fan base, although greatest on planet, may not be enough in the Fourth Quarter. This franchise is hot and getting hotter despite radical element that favors the blitz and the long pass down field. Only current setbacks center around failure to control the line of scrimmage.

3. Buddha. Many veterans returning after previous lives. Despite trouble with Hindu running backs, the defensive line continues to please season ticket holders (ancestors). Good karma in defensive backfield may lead to a host of turnovers.

4. Moses. Back to back losses to the Egyptians and the Philistines should set the stage for a final showdown in the playoffs. Chosen people at tight end and special teams may have parted the Red Sea but can they contain a kosher running game? Sore arms and legs (from building pyramids in Egypt) may shorten career.

5. Gandhi. Hindu passing game coming on at the end. Will Gandhi be able to unite the elements and address the problems of the untouchables on the sideline? Too many minor deities in the huddle. Jain special teams unconvincing at season’s end.

8. Martin Luther. (Too borrow from a bad joke) If he can found Protestantism, why can’t he find an open receiver down field? Nailing play lists on the locker room door may not be enough to motivate in the last days of feudalism. Addition of John Calvin, George Fox, John Wesley and Mary Baker Eddy may muddy the solution to turnovers and mental lapses on special teams.

9. Abraham. Although first drafted by the Jews, the Muslims and Christians sought his services as line coach. Probably the best player ever to come out of Ur. Stone tablets a little too cumbersome for effective booth consultation. Beard may get in the way of Xs and Os.

10. Brigham Young. Just when things look the darkest a new quarterback emerges from the flock. Tough on home turf but does not play well to more sophisticated defenses. Settling for a field goal won’t win many matches.

11. St Paul. The other teams have figured out the flea flicker, the end around and the play action pass. Home sermons focused on Jesus and Martin Luther should determine who gains a bye and who hits the road. No beer in the fourth quarter originated here.

12. The Popes. Despite all the money, established rituals, extravagant uniforms and promises of the Promised Land it has grown increasingly difficult to field a team. Vatican squad losing fan base. Hail Mary not enough these days. Need a miracle to get back on track. – Dolly Lamar

“The clearest way to the Universe is through a forest wilderness.” – John Muir

CATTLEMEN MOOO HOOO DEVELOPMENT

(Montrose) Local cattle interests say that a massive development planned for the Marmot Creek area is potentially destructive to their industry. The 3000-home subdivision is planned for what was once quality agricultural land.

Sources within the Cattlemen’s group content that with the excess building their cows will not be able to lie down/recline in the pasture anymore.

“With the limited acreage set aside for grazing our livestock will be forced to stand up 24-hours per day,” said Barb Warr, a spokesman for the group. “Do you know what that does to the breeding cycle, not to mention calving and the overall attitude of the herd?”

Dairy farmers echoed the same concern.

“Due to this rampant sprawl our animals can barely stretch out now,” said Harvey Milque, of Spring Creek Mesa. “Any more building will do us in. There is a comfort factor here that must be respected. Some of my neighbors south of Montrose barely have room for a decent garden as it is. We have enough American culture now. What we need is a little Rocky Mountain restraint. Do we really want to look like Grand Junction?”

– Mel Toole

Return Foul Balls or Beer Prices Go Up at Coors

(Denver) The Colorado Rockies announced today that unless fans begin returning home run and foul balls from the bleachers, beer prices would increase at Coors Field. Traditionally balls that land in the stands have been kept as souvenirs.

The move was not received well by many fans who see the change as restrictive and contrary to baseball tradition.

“This amounts to nothing short of an ultimatum,” said one season ticket holder. “The idea of returning a ball hit out of play in un-American, like forgetting the words to Take me Out To The Ballgame. “We will not be denied our day in the sun,” he said from a shady seat along the third base line.

Already a beer boycott is in the wings which threatens the fiscal health of the sports franchise.

“With high salaries and operating expenses we can no longer let fans walk away with baseballs,” said a spokesman for the club. “Between beers sold during the game and recycled balls we can pay for two utility outfielders and half a backup catcher. We’re just trying to balance the books. It’s nothing personal.”

In short,” said a source in the accounting department, “Rockies’ fans will have to return the balls or pay more for beer.”

The source would not elaborate as to the likelihood that mindless sideshows and promotions will be affected by the announcement.

“The Rockies could cut to the chase and terminate all the non-baseball events going on in the stadium between innings” said the fan from above. “We just want to hold onto our keystone culture in a world that increasingly sees these customs as irrelevant. Baseball defines us. It’s as American as catching a foul ball or sipping a cold beer on a hot afternoon and we haven’t even touched on peanuts and hot dogs.”

-Rica “Suga” Beets

Colona Not on Million Dollar Highway

(Ouray) The village of Colona is not officially on the Million Dollar Highway say sources at the Colorado Division of Transportation. The famous stretch of road, named for the expense of its construction, runs only from Ouray to Silverton and in no way includes Colona according to a recent press release.

“We do not recognize other access paths as part of the big picture,” said the release, “although these arteries are included in the Scenic Byways, Alpine Loop and San Juan Skyways portion of the landscape.”

For decades people in Colona have been led to believe that the stretch of Highway 550 that passes here was pat of the Million Dollar Highway.

“One can only imagine the disappointment felt here,” said one source. “Now we’ll have to change all of our tourist brochures and business cards.”

It was still not clear at press time whether or not Colona is considered a real town by the state due to its Montrose-like zip code and its location in Ouray County.

– Rats Malone

“A trip to heaven is wasted on some, when a simple postcard would satisfy.”

– St. Roscoe of Paddlewheel

Reincarnation More Fun than “Plain Old Death” says Swami

Coming back the earth is far more fun than plain old dropping dead says Mambo Mickey Abduke, a Hindu-Muslim ascetic who resides in Forest Service campgrounds in return for painting signage.

In a departure from policy the Horseshoe bought him lunch the other day and the following dialogue emerged.

We asked him if, metaphysically speaking, more was better than less.

Abduke: No. I think we’re all looking for quality but with reincarnation diversity is at the ultimate end. Fearing ridicule or intolerance people don’t discuss this freely. It is out of our hands, so why worry about what we think?

Horseshoe: What if one could choose his final resting place from the get go?

Abduke: Many want to go to heaven right out of the shoot, heh? They don’t seem to consider coming back here as the pawns of fate. Brothers and sisters in karma. Maybe even death is not entirely about them?

Horseshoe: Interesting. Does coming back so often make one tired?

Abduke: I don’t know but I have an aunt who claims she has experienced over 20 reincarnations, from rat to queen, and she seems to get around pretty well.

Horseshoe: Would some folks who come back as a fly remember a former life say, as a writer or a realtor?

Abduke: Do you remember your former life as a zebra, do you?