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Fishing boat Castletownbere, West Cork

Fishing boat Castletownbere, West Cork

Flounder, pollack, mackerel, hake, garfish, scallops, crab, lobster, mussels, bass and clams—all fresh and on the table moments after the fishermen come in.

PGA Bombshell: Robots Play On The Tour

PGA Bombshell: Robots Play On The Tour

Jacksonville – The PGA Tour has finally come clean on the matter of AI Robots playing in Tour events.

Tour spokesperson, P.R. Imalion, when pressed by reporters in a pre-Players Championship press conference, admitted to the group that, yes, in fact there are three tours players who are not human, but rather humanoid and whose mental capacity is based on Artificial Intelligence.

The questioning came as a result of swing analysis aired on the Golf Channel showing the remarkably consistent mechanics of some of the tour players. The show’s guest had made a remark that the swings were almost robotic in grace and repeatability.

“I think that these players have swings that are so repeatable and precise that it reminds me of the precision found in computer generated tooling,” proclaimed former tour player Nick Diamond.

There was also the incident where an event sponsor suffered two broken bones in his hand during a handshake with Osaka Katatobe earlier in the season. The sponsor said it felt like he was shaking hands with King Kong.

The idea of robotic tour players has always been the subject of joking and speculation among the players and fans of Tour Golf. Now an official has said out loud that it is reality.

While admitting to their presence, the spokesperson was unwilling to name names, saying that to reveal their identity would be to compromise their privacy.

“We respect their right to be who they are. Since their presence is basically undetectable and they are functional and competitive members of the Tour, it would be wrong to ‘out’ them as some would call it,” the Tour spox said.

“Is Katatobe one of them?” an NBC anchor pressed the matter.

“I am sorry but I cannot comment on identities,” Imalion stood firm.

One reporter from a Sporting News asked if any of the ‘bots had won an event.

“First, it is demeaning to refer to them as ‘bots,” Imalion admonished the media folks. “I mean we are way past Iron Byron,” she said, referring to the mechanical club-swinging machine that has been used for decades to test golf balls and club shafts.

“These special people are just like you and me, except that they were not born and reared the way we were.”

Imalion then went on to the answer the question by saying that in two cases since the three began as regular players on the tour just over 18 months ago, two of the three have won an event, and one of those was a major.

The press tent erupted as the gathered media clan demanded, in a single voice, to know who the winners were. Imalion refused to release the name of the non-human Tour winners.

“Somebody had to build them and program them and set them up on the tour. Who was that?” prodded the Times Picayune scribe.

“The three came to us through the sports management company that owns them, and produced, or nurtured them,” she said.

“With the two who won events, who got the prize money?” the ESPN reporter asked while the rest of the room mumbled.

Imalion told the media folks that the funds were paid to the management company since they are responsible for the “players.”

“Which management company?” the Chicago Tribune writer demanded.

“I am not at liberty to say. If you want to know more I will have to have you talk to the Tour Director.

“You know that within ten minutes of us leaving this room we will know who they are and then we will find them. It’s what we do,” The Tribune writer glared at the Tour spokesman. “If you aren’t ready to tell us the whole story then why did you even open your mouth today?”

“I’m sorry that’s all we have time for today,” Imalion hurried off the podium and out the back door of the pressroom.

 – Michael Cox

“Genius is never recognized while the subject is living. That’s why we endorse reincarnation.” – Gabby Haze.

TRUMPS OUT LOOKING AT PRISONS

Trump family values were showcased this weekend with major players enjoying an outing together after attending church services at a bank in Florida.

The first extended family visited three state institutions and two federal lockups in apprehension of stays at either or both facilities. They did not have contact with inmates who had been shuffled off so as not to distract or subtract from the highly publicized tours. Each family member has his own “must haves” including cells with balconies and golf privileges.

“They love to spend time together,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Kellyanne Conway in perfect unison. “We hope they found a nice slammer. We plan to visit just as soon as they are all incarcerated.”

Sanders later denied making the statement following what was called a tense briefing by shadow White House staff. Conway has yet to change her story. Neither responded to reporters who asked if the pair would be joining their bosses behind bars “any time soon”.

Seventeenth Century FOX News covered the event lauding the Trumps for spending time as “a good Christian family in the beautiful spring weather” and for thinking ahead on matters of national security. It added that the Trumps were only there in an official capacity and the excursion had little to do with the First Step Act, recently passed in a rare bipartisan vote. The network added that the pleasant weather was proof enough that global warming was just another farce, “another witch hunt”, parroted one analyst.

“If we had more families like the Trumps we’d have more families like the Trumps,” said the GOP propaganda tool that delights so many. “That confirms it for us and should for you too or illegal aliens and gay people will get you.

“Some prisons are better than others,” said Jared Kushner (not pictured) who may find out sooner than later.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Broncos Look to Rams to Beef Up Line

Broncos Look to Rams to Beef Up Line

As the 2019 football season gets closer the Denver Broncos are expected to invite several standouts from Colorado State University to a summer tryout in an attempt to plug holes in their porous offensive line.

BLACK HOLE PHOTOS INADVERTENTLY DELETED

The first photos of the infamous Black Hole have accidentally been deleted according to sources at MIT. Monster gravity in and around the sunken star reportedly grabbed the data and ate it up like a midnight snack, effectively deleting the pictures.

A post-doctoral fellow at Harvard University, Dr Katie Bouman, developed the algorithm which captured the image of the infamous Black Hole just last week but already the data has been sucked into the gravitational sinkhole when no one was looking.

According to astronomers here the image was “deleted” but not by operator error or human mishandling. Rather it was a victim of the massive pull of mega-gravity.

“Of course the images were sucked into the Black Hole,” said another scientist who has worked on the project for over ten years. “By very definition it had to have been this way. Isn’t this the nature of the beast?”

Researchers contend that the limited exposure to the photo data, while gone for good, may allow them to further expand their understanding of gravity.

Meanwhile “earth is flat evangelists” from Starkville to Sacramento say the Black Hole revelation is nothing short of a peek into the gates of hell (upstairs version), while Democrats insist that the image bears a peculiar likeness to Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. (Photos to be released with full Mueller Report).

The senator from Kentucky (McConnell) had no comment and was reportedly waiting for a tweet from President Trump before making any comment related to the disclosure.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“If you want to know the trees you must go into the forest.” – Barbara Birch

Putin Jokes Flourish on Heels of Ukraine Election

(Moscow) Putin jokes continue to deluge the Russian capital following the election of former comedian, Volodymyr Zelensky to the presidency of Ukraine. With his popularity dropping, Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has become the laughing stock of many within a fed up populace.

Whether or not the two distinct phenomena are related is anyone’s guess. The two countries have been in a state of war ever since pro-Russian elements began military action in Ukraine and Russia occupied the Crimea.

Zelensky, a Jewish comedian, won the recent election in a landslide showing popularity with all Ukrainians including Russian speakers in the east of the nation. Whether this reflects a decrease in anti-semitism and fascism in the European nation has yet to be determined.

What is particularly amusing is that he played the role of Ukrainian President on television.

“On the surface it’s like Donald Trump winning the election in the US after his appearances on reality TV,” said one Kiev journalist, who left the comparison there. “But the oligarchs here are defecating 5 kopiyoks (Ukrainian nickels) at the thought of Zelensky taking the helm while the fat cats in the US flagrantly support Trump.”

The Putin jokes, a genre most of us do not associate with The Kremlin, are popping up everywhere overnight, like the cork in a bottle of vintage vodka. Many refer to the shape of his head while others speak of his gangster tactics and laugh at him for his ham-fisted bullying of opponents.

Sputnik News Service was quick to blame liberals in the West while some for Soviet potatoheads blame CIA. Here are a few of the better jokes:

1. If a bus with Vladimir Putin fell 800 feet from a cliff would anyone survive? Who cares?

2. If you go fishing with Putin how do you keep him from drinking all the vodka? Bring along Czar Nicholas, Vladimir Rasputin and Catherine the Great.

3. How many political prisoners does it change a Light bulb? Thousands, even though there may not be electricity today.

4. Trump and Putin walk into this bar. Trump asks Putin what to order. Putin says, “Just do what I do.”

As funny as these jokes have been in recent weeks the crime of telling one is an invitation to be poisoned or meet thugs in an alley.

How many ex-KGB thugs does it take to sabotage the chance of freedom in Ukraine? We will have to wait and see.