Study for a career in weed management

(Montrose) The Montrose County Extension Service has announced a dramatic increase in the demand for qualified weed managers in this region. The lucrative field of weed management has expanded recently due to the ability of various strains of weeds to survive everything short of nuclear attack. This high-paying, low stress, career has developed in response to the growing problem.

“We need an entire generation of educated warm bodies to thwart the onward march of weeds and their allies,” said one extension agent. “If we don’t do something about the weeds today they will be at the gate tomorrow.”

Several powerful Western Slope weed families have defied all attempts to eradicate them, with one or two even surviving ditch fires and air strikes by the 1st Armored Crop Duster Brigade, based at Pea Green Field.

“We surprised them (the weeds) at dawn and let them have it with everything we could muster,” said Col. Wellington Bulbous, Adjunct Commander at the underground airfield. “It was really beautiful, man. The napalm climbed high into the air and the strafing had them all sitting back on their heels. The place was black with the smoke of our terrible, swift swords.”

However, after an hour long barrage, even Bulbous admitted that the attack had been less than successful, as most of the weeds survived and continued their stranglehold on the more respectable plants in the immediate area.

“We need to find out how they are doing it,” said Bulbous. “The next step is a sweep of the region and some down-home interrogation. We’ll get to the root of this problem even if we have to blow up the rest of the planet to do it,” he said. “I really don’t care either way. I’m just happy that I finally have a place to wear my camouflage outfits.”

-H.L. Menoken

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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