Stimulus package adjusting for trembling lip

When Democrats agreed to an eleventh-hour inclusion of Mitch McConnell on every virus relief check they had no idea what a quagmire was brewing. The total facsimile of the Senate Majority leader just didn’t look authentic and another holdup has ensued.

“We need the trembling lip and the look of one about to break into tears,” said a crossover Republican who called Donald Trump “a ranting nincompoop” during Beat the Press, a virtual reality news interview program conducted in a sterile and empty studio.

“It’s hard enough to function with social distancing and travel restrictions in place without demanding ridiculous additions when we’re ready to throw money at the monster,” said the senator who demanded animosity, fearing reprisals from the White House.

At present no one has the technology necessary to add these details to documents or expanded currency. McConnell’s insistence reeks of partisanship, according to sources on both sides of the aisle. They say he wants Americans to think he’s sending the money out of his own pocket.

“We can capture his face correctly, right down to that desperate, frightened, tearful expression so familiar to most Americans, but so far the trembling lip (classified as a trademark by Lloyd’s of London), is giving us trouble,” said one graphic artist still working at the Treasury Department. “That guise is tough to depict but the moving parts are almost hopeless.”

Critics say the amount of money spent on McConnell’s image could be better used to feed people affected by the virus. Most question why the wealthy politician would want a trembling lip when a firm facial edge would send a better message to a disoriented and confused population quite capable of ignorant and malicious behavior.

Meanwhile the Earth is Flat Coalition continues to defend money-grubbing, full frontal church services and plans to end quarantines.

“The Red States should be allowed to conduct business as usual relying on their gods to get them through this” said the former GOP source. “And if the situation becomes frantic we’ll simply have to build another wall. The race between global warming and Coronavirus is neck and neck down the stretch. Deniers of both will soon see reality quite clearly as their Commander in Chief takes a wizardly hot air balloon back to Kansas, or Mars, without even a reassuring goodbye.”

 -Kashmir Horseshoe

 

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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