State to burn excess run-off

(Denver) Due to rumors of increased moisture this spring state officials will begin burning excess run-off as early as next week, according to an unreliable spokesperson here. The controlled burns would be centered on areas of excess water depth including defiant snow fields, permanent wetlands and alpine swampy regions thought to be the source of great rivers.

     Man-made reservoirs will most likely be exempt from the flames since most are tied up in use litigation or remain under the jurisdiction of municipal ownership.

     “What we want to avoid here is late summer flooding when all that snow decides to come rushing down the mountain,” said one Front Range ditch rider. We’ll be confiscating Rocky Mountain spring water, un-seeding clouds and condemning mountain lakes that were nowhere to be seen last summer.”

Ponds used for agriculture, illegal estuaries and backyard swimming pools will receive no quarter in this latest attempt to divert nature.

Officials in Arapahoe County expressed dismay that the run-off would have to be destroyed saying that they have a right to the water since it is not currently employed in industry or agriculture.

“If we had even half the water earmarked for burning we could build thousands of new houses connected by miles of highways going nowhere,” said one local politician.

Desert states served by Colorado River basin water will have until early June to fill toilet tanks and hot tubs before their burgeoning sources are cut off.

“We really enjoy the part where we turn off the Big Faucet and watch their lawns turn to dust,” said one Colorado Water Board spokesman.

Skeptics of the plan say there is no way the state can effectively burn water. In addition they say the water would be better dumped into the ocean than burned. Proponents of the controlled burn say the targeted water will be flammable enough after the introduction of combustible chemicals.

“We’re doing our level-headed best to keep these ignitable additives out of the ground water but, frankly, we won’t know the results until we can accumulate valid feedback from citizens,” said one water wizard. “Insofar as pouring the water into the ocean, that would be am expensive proposal and besides, there’s all that salt with which to contend.”   

– Pepper Salte       

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk


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