State mulls allocating DUI profits for 550 fix

(Denver)  Department of Transportation officials today confirmed that the agency is considering the use of DUI profits to repair Highway 550 in Western Colorado.

The announcement, which reportedly caught many bureaucrats off guard, comes as a result of a spike in traffic fatalities from Montrose to Farmington, New Mexico. The highway, which was built to handle far less traffic than it accommodates today, has been called outdated, dangerous and often subject to serious congestion at rush hour times.

“There are lots of bad stretches beyond Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank Passes,” said one C-Dot engineer. Two-lane roads abound and are often negotiated by urban drivers not accustomed to lower speed limits, winter conditions and no passing zones.”

The sum of said funds, acquired through the enforcement of drunk driving laws, was not disclosed although insiders suggest that it is “quite a bundle”. No one in the extended gov’ment seems to know where the funds reside and what they were used for up until now.

“Even after everyone gets his cut we still have a surplus,” continued the source. “We have already spent an immoral amount on the militarization of police departments.”

Some small Colorado towns now boast of police departments loaded with armored vehicles, assault weaponry and arsenals that compete with the standing armies of small African nations.

The earmarking of funds for highway restoration is a complex maneuver requiring extensive study. This commitment to safety and well-being may require months of lunches, fact-finding vacations and closed-door contract bids.

“We owe a debt to the brave, albeit stupid, drivers who get behind the wheel after a beer or two,” explained the transportation source. Without them we wouldn’t be able to proceed on this life and death crusade.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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