Spy Satellite Won’t Hit Butte

(Crested Butte) The disabled U.S. spy satellite expected to collide with earth sometime this month will most likely not hit Crested Butte according to gov’ment officials. The ship is now de-orbiting, its power gone due to a battery malfunction.

Launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California in December of 2006 the satellite was expected to stay up in the air a little longer. Just where the craft is right now is classified information, says the National Security Council. Normal tracking technology is ineffective due to the anti-terrorist battery charger that is located underneath the fuel pump and virtually impossible to reach.

“We have no control over it, since the power outage,” said Emily LeCrewe, a former astronaut who gained limited fame in 1988 for her part in the formation of the International Brotherhood of Astronauts and Aliens.

“It could land anywhere,” she added calmly.

Authorities hope it will land somewhere like rural Nevada and not in downtown Moscow or Beijing.

“Locally I wouldn’t worry too much,” said Kyle Belvedere, a spokesman for the NSC. “There is little danger,” he reiterated, “but my agency is looking into options to mitigate any damage.”

The United States gov’ment, reputedly housed somewhere near Washington DC, on the eastern seaboard of North America, has disavowed knowledge of the spy satellite.

“All these sci-fi whackos, and dreamers of little green men in Teflon suits should be jailed,” said a surviving White House spokesperson. 

– Fred Zeppelin

“Where does the light go when the snow melts?” – John Musick

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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