Somewhere Over the Back Fence

Ground Still Wet, Moist Says Extension Service

(Pitkin) Most public ground above 12,500 feet is still wet according to Gunnison County Extension Services. Hikers, campers and especially picnic enthusiasts should be aware of these conditions and act appropriately, planning ahead and informing friends and authorities of their whereabouts.

Campers are reminded to bring tents and sleeping materials as well as basic equipment to ward off possible discomfort. The harsh reality is, according to this press release that the present conditions could last through the weekend.

Pretty wet, often moist ground is common throughout the summer or at least until the natural draining of the Stream of Consciousness occurs in late August.

The application of simple tarps, employing folding chairs and/or using picnic tables when possible should help alleviate any potential stress. Outdoor enthusiasts are also warned to hang food up in trees, conserve ice and not to shoot rodents or carve their names on trees.

DOW TO POST NEW SIGNS

(Crested Butte) The Colorado Division of Wildlife will begin posting signs in and around the known habitats of trout and kokanee warning the fish of likely drought conditions. The brown and white USFS-looking signs will be hammered into the still-wet ground in the Elks, West Elks and in other strategic environs this summer.

Local environmentalists, who say the cautions will do no good since the fish can’t read, have threatened to filet a class action suit on the part of the fish if “the condescending and inappropriate program isn’t terminated before spawning season”.

“If one of them fish gets the message he’ll tell all the others,” said Orwell Freemango, DOW biologist and former gang member turned new age greenie and sworn naturalist.

“Progressive elements within this otherwise honkey organization think our slimy little friends should be told the truth about drought. They have grown tired of the lies. They don’t even get kickbacks from the Snatch and Release Programs anymore. If their swimmin’ holes are in danger of drying up they should be the first to know. We owe them that in spite of the fact that there is no effective response to this threat. The signs may be only symbols but they are symbols of our resolve,” stressed Freemango.

Blow to head propelled Toole

(Lake City) Recently retired scribe, Melvin Toole, credits his swift rise to fame in the news world to a blow on the head received in a bar here many years ago.

“I remember sitting there at the Log Cabin when a bar stool was hurled through the air in the direction of the men’s room. It was aimed at a man who ducked right there in front of me,” Toole explained. “Well, I was engaged in conversation and did not see the flying chair and the seat portion struck me flat-smack dead in the forehead.”

The stool knocked the hapless Toole to the floor and when he woke up some three hours later at Gunnison Hospital he began spouting headlines, captions, obituaries, press releases, news briefs, eyewitness accounts and full-length feature pieces.

“He wouldn’t shut up, but the copy was crisp, the style was original and he was first to file it!” said one of the nurses on duty that day. “But we just thought he was another reporter and we damn sure didn’t trust him.”

It would be only a month before Toole won the Werlitzer for his composition “How To Get Rid of Pack Rats”. Later that same year he was chosen to play right field for his college bowling team.

“Success measures success,” said the elderly journalist who lives on tamales, corn whiskey, and an occasional twist of Maalox. “Once it catches up to you it won’t let go.”

When asked which was his favorite award he said, “Oh I don’t know…maybe the Honorary Wichita Falls Cheerleading Squad Slumber Party Plaque…or my blue ribbon for passing audio-detectible wind at Thunder Mountain Speedway.

Readers wishing to converse with this living legend can find him at the Pea Green Rhubarb Festival where he fills in as Archie-The Human Punching Bag on Tuesdays.

“It’s a dollar a punch and a grand time for everyone especially the kiddies!” he laughed.

For a related story turn to Many al Qaeda cell phones inside U.S. on Page 40

Filed Under: Soft News

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