SOAP OPERA SYNOPSIS

By Brittany Celebet

Daytime dramas or soap operas (in honor of longtime commercial sponsors) can be seen in fifty countries across the globe. Faithful fans number in the millions, often skipping work and family responsibilities to follow their favorites and watch as the bad guys get their just dessert.

Sometimes rural viewing is not all that easy. Little things like avalanches, frigid temperatures, empty cupboard syndrome and fires and floods can not only interrupt lives but can play havoc with afternoon television reception. It is with this in mind that we have prepared a synopsis of what is going down on the screen. Missing an episode is a little like missing your birth control pills (not paid for by employers) or your Viagra (paid for by employers). Just miss one and it can foul up the whole month.

(Note: Some shows are current while others are classics from years gone by)

“The Young and the Worthless”

Troy is still seeing Angie who is recovering from a tedious surgery to remove her from her Siamese twin brother, LeRoy, who is chronically depressed over his failure to pass the television tech exam. He is hitting the bottle. Frank, Dr. Bigelow’s attorney, continues to step out with Bigelow’s wife, Betty. Betty has quelled rumors that she is seeing LeRoy. Sherry’s divorce from Henry is not yet finalized because of a slight technicality over the possession of the couple’s James Brown records.

“Love and Money”

The return of Pamela’s father, believed to have been lost during a walrus hunt in Greenland, has prompted curious behavior in the town of Shady Corners. The girl’s mother, Pearl, who was legally separated, had embraced polygamy and married the offensive line of the Buffalo Bills. Isn’t it enough that these privileged, albeit tumultuous lives are intertwined in idleness and receivership? And now Pam’s father might not make the play-offs! Tess has left town with Delbert G., a clever ear and throat man. She will be a long way from Kentucky by nightfall. The annual onion festival reignites aromas long since muddled. What about Delbert’s love child and his fondness for her dancing instructor?

“Search For Yesterday”

With the announcement that Judith is indeed pregnant, half of the male population of Fruitcake Grove leave town. Allen has run into more medical problems prior to his operation when it is discovered that he has ice water instead of blood running through his Mohawk veins. Meanwhile Joan has filed for a divorce from her eighth husband, Harry, who was filmed in a Flemme Springs motel room with the Escucha al Monte cheerleading squad.

“As the Stomach Turns”

Gail is wrongly accused and arrested after he twin sister Margot robs a local pornography shop while assaulting the local rugby team. Her simultaneous acts of bipolar schizophrenia win Psychic Booth honorable mention at the Marigold County Fair. Lou’s lost son returns after a year in Trinidad and begins a co-dependent fling with Jack Iron, a local rummy and proprietor of the local sugar refinery. Joe leaves Debbie for Stephanie, Phil leaves Audrey for Debbie, Ted leaves Julie for the last time.

“The Guiding Blight”

Everyone in Honkeyville is shocked when Trapper Jeanie trades her illegitimate stock brokerage for a new snowmobile. Malbec Marlene confronts Scary Larry who drunkenly told Little Edward she was frigid contending that beyond all doubt she was not frigid with Canadian Art or Benjamin the Salami. Warren attempts suicide by jumping off his sofa in front of household pets. It will be his last act of defiance and he will be removed from the program’s cast in a painful and humiliating manner.

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