SNOWBOARDERS MUST WEAR HAIR NETS

(Crested Butte) Snowboarders here will be instructed to wear hair nets while on the slopes as of March. The action comes on the heels of numerous complaints as to the behavior and activities engaged in by this developing minority group.

“It has nothing to do with personal hygiene or long hair,” said a spokesman for Crested Butte Mountain Associates. “It’sit’s a health department code thing, or something. We couldn’t ignore all the complaints. We almost lost a pizza and coke group from Moline this morning,” he gasped. “Hey, running a major ski area ain’t no stroll in the park.

Critics of the new regulation say that the kids are all right

“The snowboarders could be out robbing convenience stores or stealing cars,” said Moms Maplethorpe, 97, the oldest living telemark ski instructor. “These are nice kids out to have a good time. If they threaten the flatlanders by their lifestyles, that’s just tough guano, baby.

As of yesterday a lengthy compromise has been proposed which calls for separate but equal slopes for both the snowboarders and the skiers at peak times such as Christmas and Spring Break. Contact at Paradise Warming House would be limited and potential lift partners would be thoroughly screened by the lift-operators upon boarding lifts.

“Something has to be done before the situation deteriorates even further,” said the spokesman. “Our status as a multi-use recreation area is in jeopardy. If these two groups need contact after the lifts close there are plenty of bars open.

Other ski areas have undressed the problem simply by building bigger and better lifts, as in the case of Vail and Aspen, which have built support facilities such as Beavercreek and Buttermilk to handle the overflow caused by the separation of the two opposing concerns.

According to lawyers for the snowboarders, “We are taking a wait and see approach, hoping to determine the levels of enforcement before we file summer lawsuits.”

– Gabby Haze

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder

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