Snoring Decathlon Jogs Ancient Dilemma

(Pitkin) With an approving nod to all world-class snorers arriving here this weekend, we present some background and yes, some drivel, in an attempt to educate the populace as to what goes on around them.

Cabin fever undressed! Safety nets be damned. Rattling windows and the sawing of logs will soon fill the February air.

But what of these VIP snoozers, who many experts in the field say represent the best on the planet? Are they disruptive monsters or are they visiting angels? Are they human at all? Is snoring a gentle blessing or a raging plague of nocturnal grunting? Is it a sign of ultimate relaxation or does it telltale of a respiration challenged malady?

We hope to answer a plethora of other questions while presenting well-researched data as well as calming misnomers about the peculiar sounds and contortions associated with the art*** itself.

Ed note: Do not call our offices for tickets since the entire competition is free. All events

begin at bedtime. For a digital scorecard see the tall man in the cowboy hat just outside Ohio City.

Snore Survival and Sound Sleep

The peaceful snoring man is an anomaly to many and sure, women snore too but they usually sound like a bird or a small herd animal and not a polar bear. Put a sock in it is only an expression and can bring on suffocation or worse. In the strawberry twilight of a new love affair she says “Oh I love your snoring. When you purr like that it makes me feels secure.” After a month or so it’s “Stop it or I’m going to sleep in the gate house.”

According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders until the 1950s, most people thought of sleep as a passive, dormant part of our daily lives. We now know that our brains are very active during sleep. Moreover, sleep affects our daily functioning and our physical and mental health in many ways that we are just beginning to understand.

Rip Van Winkle, who some say slept for 50 years,  didn’t miss much as far as he can remember anyway  “…what with dirt and rain and sunshine washing and drying him, he was quite the natural specimen with rodents building nests in his pants legs and shit birds living in his shaggy beard*

From -“The I Can’t Sleep Book” by Melvin Toole. Riveting sequel to both Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings and Breakfast at Stockmen’s.

Sleeper Cells – Who are you sleeping with anyway?

On average 1/3 of one’s life will be spent sleeping.

Support groups such as Sleep Walkers Anonymous undress the concept of sleep as a desired destination. Snoring is seen as a tool toward that particular goal or in rare cases a deterrent to the normal body flow that leads to sleep (especially for others). “My name is Martin and I snore. No coffee – No cigarettes – No saved. I just want to stop snoring.”

From the time your noggin hits the pillow to the crusted morning dream debris in your eyes you should be one with the mattress. There are no loud noises in the Land of Nod. There are no sudden emergencies while resting in the arms of Morpheus. Shut-eye is definitely the gateway drug to snoring.

When searching for the termination to your own particular brand of snoozes interruptus several primitive solutions come to mind. The most common is counting sheep. If you have no sheep go and get some. Livestock rustling is better after dark and, since you are awake anyway, why linger?

Between the sheets – Will making the bed end the chaos?

We are often faced with more serious issues like sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, weight gain, heart failure, stroke and even increased risk of premature death. No need for guilt – Step up to the plate. A little early morning courage has a  major impact on wrong side of the bed syndrome. Making the bed – sweeping dreams under the carpet? A sense of order after the chaos of sleeplessness? Rarely. It is just another fruitless exercise in self-denial

Fortunately most people are awake for sex. Reference to the comforts of non-sexual foreplay is no more than a pretentious bedtime for bozos. Be sure to take out dental mouthpiece apparatus with tongue straps, can the chew and turn off the television before engaging.

The sleeping chamber should be welcoming even to the head case who worries about falling asleep. Try music to sooth. A bottle of wine works for some but not every night.

Routine bed times, relaxation remedies such as yoga and meditation are invaluable. Exercise during daytime hours allows the sleeper/snorer to get on top of the situation and enjoy those magic moments before slumber advances. What one wears to bed is also a consideration. Avoid loud colors and intricate patterns on clothing. Dress down or get up! Go with simple or go with nothing at all.

Sleep can be defined as the natural periodic suspension of consciousness to restore. Snoring, although an audio demonstration of restfulness, can deprive one of deep sleep and may also be distracting to others who are trying to snooze. Oddly enough, many chronic snorers do not snore during siesta. Researchers remain puzzled as to why.

Take our little test

Define the following words:

1. nepenthean

2. soporific

3. poppied

4. comatose

Would you rather watch paint dry of catch a baseball game to fall asleep?

Multiple choice: Which of the following are beneficial to falling asleep?

1. arms to the side blood flow

2. stretch slightly then relax

3 clear head of all that might be unpleasant or demanding

4 see yourself sawing logs

5. landing a job as an air traffic controller

What is the difference between somnambulism and noctambulism?

Name 25 Hibernation techniques.

Which of the following has been proven most effective in prevention of low, guttural noises in the middle of the night?

Go for a walk on a miserable evening.

Work on a boring project.

Spend the night in a jail cell.

Spend the night in the stables or garage – comfort of own bed will be more enticing.

Duct tape your mouth to your nose.

Pray before bed, realizing that you will no doubt be saved while so many others will spend eternity in hellfire.

Further Fears

Bed wetting sounds a different alarm creating victims from the ranks of snoring – Reptile oil may actually work here but can cause victim to shed skin twice a year. (Patent filed Dec 6, 1927)

Fear of falling out of bed does not merit its own phobia. Fear of falling is listed as basophobia or acrophobia. Wear a helmet if you’re sleeping in the top bunk, employ a net and always keep a night light in reach for those pissing matches that arrive before dawn.

Hypnotism encourages mommy syndrome where someone else is telling you when to go to sleep. Blinders may help one sleep but will do nothing to alleviate snoring unless the mask is mounted on the mouth’s pallet which can be uncomfortable and highly toxic.

 *Epimenides snoozed in a Grecian cave for 57 years and that boy woke up smart. But he started telling everyone how to live, explaining the secret of life, until someone got pissed off at his pontificating and killed him. Sleeping Beauty was a virtual snoring machine until Prince Charming wiped her brow and rescued her from an eternity of drowsiness accompanied by a slight headache. Vishnu snored away the heat of South Asian nights with the help of 18 slaves with palm leaves going in a circular pattern at 12-hour stints.  Gods often do well in sleep-related scenarios.
**Famous snorers, insomniacs and people who got by on little sleep include Einstein, King Xerxes, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Saint Lucille, Mario Andretti, Damon Runyon,  Jezebel, Mickey Mantle, Aaron Burr,  Mother Cline, Molly Brown, Ambrose Bierce, Floyd Little, Maradona, Napoleon and Joan of Arc.
***slumber / industrial snoring. Surreal visions of pharaohs and funeral pyres.

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