Mexico City by morning?

(Jackson WY) Many illegal aliens have found themselves deep in Yellowstone Park this morning while hundreds of Canadian wolves are waking up in Mexico. The entire nightmare has been blamed on a computer malfunction at the highest levels of the federal government.

The situation was precipitated due to simultaneous implementation of two long sought programs. The first called for a more aggressive approach to deal with people crossing the border illegally; the second favored a relocation of wolves into natural habitats in Yellowstone and parts of Idaho and Western Montana.

The deportation was to be supervised by the Department of Immigration and the wolf drop by the Department of the Interior. Legislative wires apparently became crossed, even in the primary stages of execution according to one bureaucrat or another.

“People are always quick to point at the government when an embarrassment like this occurs,” said Melvin Toolini, now acting coordinator of both events. Readers may remember Toole, a former White House aide under Bill Clinton, who was abruptly fired in 1989 after he was identified as “the troublemaker” who had once called Hillary Clinton “Thunder Thighs” back in grade school.

Toolini now finds himself in the precarious position as standing liaison between the two aforementioned agencies.

“The confusion resulted from the two cumbersome bureaucracies being housed in the same building, sharing the same computer system, bathrooms and elevators,” explained a shaken Toolini at a press conference on the matter this afternoon.

“And I’d like to say more at this time,” he teased, “but they’ve got a killer glazed meatloaf on special today at the Congressional dining room and I want to get over there before they run out.”

One reliable source confirmed fears that neither Toolini nor anyone else remotely attached to the snafu had any idea how the data became submerged or what to do about it. She then added that the meatloaf was not actually glazed but rather browned in butter before roasting.

“It doesn’t matter who’s to blame,” winced the source. “What is important now is correcting the mess before it further blows up in out faces.”

As of yesterday evening some 500 illegal aliens have been tranquilized and relocated to Yellowstone while as many as 250 wolves have been deported by bus to points south. According to the same source this does not include a crew of grey wolves that were picked up in a poorly constructed raft in the straights of Florida Tuesday. Whether these survivors will end up in Wyoming, Mexico or back in Cuba is anyone’s guess.

“It was only a matter of time before the gov’ment’s feet and paper shuffling caught up with them,” said a former immigrant rights advocate and animal lover. “When you insist on everything in triplicate you’re heading for trouble. It’s all particularly sad considering neither group wanted to go anywhere in the first place. The Latinos are here simply to survive and the wolves are here because they are part of the ecosystem.”

Meanwhile ranchers in the affected region were slow to respond to federal inquiries regarding the feasibility of illegals being shipped to their state on a permanent basis.

“Illegal aliens don’t generally attack livestock unless provoked,” said one Pinedale rancher, “but then, according to the urban experts neither do wolves. Those sheep can be nasty but we feel someone should read the fine print on the NAFTA Treaty before making anymore sudden moves.” – Warren of Wexley


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