Ski Resorts Hope to Develop Bad Neighborhoods

(Crested Butte) Citing burgeoning resentment on the part of the disadvantaged across the country, many Colorado ski towns are encouraging the establishment of bad neighborhoods within their town limits. Skiing is often perceived as the recreation of the rich which is not always good for lift ticket sales.

     A quick fix may be in the works.

     Many resorts have already begun building what may well be the slums of the future and others are busy attracting a host of social ills often associated with skid rows and ghettos. Topping the list are the prospective residents of these environs and the increase in crime needed to achieve these lofty goals.

     “At present we enjoy blue skies and low pressure on social institutions,” said Sarah Parvenu, of Colorado Skree Country. “That will change as we attempt to embrace validity within fantasy mountain communities. In a few years we hope to catch up with the urban centers and offer diversity in our newly emerging mean streets.”

     Initial plans are to house 90-day wonders and seasonal ski workers, in these neighborhoods at affordable housing prices. When the experiment gets off the ground proponents of the plan expect the demand for tenement living to increase.

     “It’s the ying and yang thing,” continued Parvenu. “We can’t go on sporting affluence while ignoring the realities of population distribution and income disparity. It looks silly to worry about powder days when a portion of the state population is struggling to keep warm and eat.”

     In addressing the subject of crime, the architects of the program say it will take years before gangs and syndicates will be up and running. They insist that thugs and mobsters can be sealed off in the low neighborhoods with a strong police presence. According to studies concluded in such diverse theaters as Sweden and Somalia, crooks are more comfortable terrorizing their next-door neighbors than traveling into rich areas to ply their trades.

Crimes like this one will go unpunished if the ski industry has its way.

     “The bottom line is that we have lost touch with reality and drastic measures are necessary to get back the balance,” explained our source. “Historically towns like Crested Butte, Telluride and Aspen had terrible neighborhoods, so let’s stay in step with precedence. Can we expect to achieve UNESCO status or continue to develop a competitive basketball program without including the poor in our census?”

     How these moves might affect second homeowners was not clear at press time. Many say they will continue to visit the resorts for a few weeks per year and will hire security agents to patrol their properties.

     “Yes, we have property management personnel running all over town but now they will be quick-response, deputized militia armed and capable of returning fire and apprehending suspects.”

     The local police force, which has more than doubled since last week, will attempt to avoid profiling based on vehicle type although, according to officers polled, that could be difficult.

     “If we see a beat up heap cruising near the slopes we might be inclined to watch them closer than a motorist driving a new Chevy Silverado Mercedes SUV,” said one officer That’s not profiling…It’s just common sense.”

     The beefed up police force would then, in addition to patrolling the rough areas, step up DUI arrests to pay for the additional gasoline expense.

     “The expansion of bad neighborhoods in mountain towns should not cost the taxpayer one red cent which is good news in these tense economic times,” stressed Parvenu. At first look we will seek to create nouveau slums near the interstates, in existing industrial zones and in less desirable spots on the fringe of towns. Here in Crested Butte that might mean new settlements up Kebler where most tourists wouldn’t see them, and remote locales near former coalmines. Decisions like these will come later. Right now we have to get these socialistic blueprints past the town councils and the county.”

     Critics of all this say they cannot fathom distressed neighborhoods on the other side of the tracks since the railroad pulled out of town many decades ago.

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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