(Paonia)  Santa Clause is scheduled to meet this week with coal mine executives to hammer out a deal for next year’s Christmas coal.  The demand for the black stuff, which is often used to fill stockings on Christmas Eve, has reached an all time high and has no end in sight so far as anyone can tell.

The head elf says he plans to trade 60 of his finest elves in exchange for  “rock bottom” considerations.

“It’s a great deal for the mines. The elves are tireless workers and eat very little. With toy production at an all time low at the North Pole in January the little buggers are just standing around looking for something to do,” he said. .

Santa claims that many children world-wide are seen being naughty day and night . Pinching, kicking, slapping, punching, throwing fits, stealing, lying, cheating on tests, swearing, breaking things, sassing back, spitting, sneaking out at night, not sharing, feeding the dog under the table, disrespecting elders, defacing public property manufacturing bombs and paraphernalia, and acting like spoiled rotten brats has contributed to the colossal amount of coal needed to send a message this Christmas 2018.     

“Last year I delivered a thousands of sleigh loads of coal and this year I’m estimating upwards of millions,”  frowned Santa.

When asked to elaborate as to the root of the problem with children these days Santa simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders.  “Seems to me that it’s a combination consumerism, not enough sleep, improper diet, lack of discipline, and not enough fresh air.”   

Jolly Old Saint Nick is due to arrive on Thursday. If negotiations go well he will host a lap sitting session for those who missed it in December..

– Lady Jane

Filed Under: Soft News


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