Rox Relief Staff Prognosis Blamed for Flu-Like Symptoms

(Denver) Many local baseball aficionados are complaining of stomach cramps, headaches and a feeling of hopelessness when faced with frighteningly familiar warning signs emanating from the Colorado Rockies’ bullpen.

And spring training has only just arrived.

A myriad of reports do not shine favorably for fans from Wray to Ouray who had hoped for a run at the pennant in 2019. The reality that the best Rockies’ relief pitcher, Adam Ottavino is now in New York has only compounded the infirmities.

Despite hurling millions at the relief problem in 2018, the future looks bleak. The new Blake Street bombers (pitching staff) could not salvage their own asses in a windstorm much less protect a late-inning lead. Simply put: with the exception of Scott Oberg, they stink.

Physicians all over the Rocky Mountains have identified what they called “flu-like symptoms” but, other than a waltz through the pharmacy and the liquid and rest remedy, they offered little in the way of solutions.

One psychiatric nurse suggested moving the Dodgers and D-Backs to the American League in exchange for the two of that league’s basement dwellers. Another medical source favored cutting back to six innings.

“Several of my patients have already began to exhibit feelings of hopelessness and unhealthy escape mechanisms usually not visible until September,” offered a Fort Collins doctor who has prescribed fresh air and a good belt of whiskey in the late innings.

“I clearly remember that last season whenever I saw our million-dollar-baby relief flops start to warm up my stomach got all queasy and indigestion followed,” said Rocky Flats, a longtime season ticket holder from Mack. “Then when they got on the mound my bowels loosened and I got the chills. On extreme occasions I felt nauseous and had to g out into the yard until it passed.”

In a related story psychologists and psychiatrists in the region report a sharp increase in clients suffering from anxiety and seasonal depression. When data compiled from these burgeoning health concerns was interfaced with traditional winter bugaboos it turns out that cold, wind, dirty snow, mid, ice and cloudy days are not the only problem.

It ain’t the pox but it could be the Rox.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”      – Oscar Wilde

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk


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