SERVICES OFFERED Will put down your old tractors. Quickly, effectively, painlessly. Big Foot Farms, River Road, Olathe. Know someone growing illegal mistletoe? The DEA is paying top dollar for information leading to the indictment of these criminals in your own backyard. Once we fill the prisons with these people we can achieve full employment and true utopia through government control. Huzzah!

Maternity ensemble once worn by Madonna’s mother. General Delivery, Hollywood.

Wanted to buy: I LOVE GUNS. I really love guns. I like the way they feel in my hand and the noise they make when fired. I love guns about as much as I love storm trooper boots and starched collars. Let me buy your guns – Quentin Dink, Wimpton Police Cadet Lounge.

Drug Lord Appliances from $50! These nearly new washers, dryers, microwaves and more. Were confiscated from suspected drug lords in Florida and Texas. Some rust and avocado. Also seized refrigerators, freezers, swarthy futons, anarchistic toasters, revolutionary ranges and rough air conditioners. January Special: Poblado Dishwasher: $45. See at Zero Tolerance Appliances. We’re winning the War on Drugs. You’ll see.

Turn your food processor into a word processor by the application of simple pickle down economics. Dial 34.

Nearly new forehead weights perfect for the mental giant or the thinking athlete who seeks to improve his/her mind. Margot Rotweiller at the Horseshoe.

Brainless parrots needed to throw gasoline on the bonfire of crime in urban America. Send picture of hair, recent tape and description of on-the-air experience to Star Search, KBLO-TV, Denver, Colorado 80207.

ARE YOU employed in the Department of Agriculture? Rehabilitation is available. With your cooperation and our expertise we can have you flipping burgers by spring – Your Federal Government.

Trouble getting through doors? Sign up today for our innovative program “Aerobics at Night”. This patented workout is conducted after dark with the lights out so as to avoid the embarrassment often associated with those first few days of physical activity. The only thing on is the music and the tiny reflective monitor on your instructor’s naval. Be a new you in 2019.

Are you easily persuaded by pseudo-religious ranting and raving? Do you like to be told how to live? Is the rumor of the hereafter more important than your current treatment of your fellow man on earth? Do you fear anyone with new ideas? We can use a few, good moralizing Americans to help us gain control of this country and turn it into the oligarchy that our forefathers intended it to be. Send for more information today. Coloradans for Family Values, Taliban-Cromwell Complex, Colorado Springs, CO.

Will pay top dollar for dirty postcards, dirty dishes, dirty fingernails, and some dirty thoughts. Vulture Dentures, Wimpton Mall.

MEL’S MEATS is looking for a responsible cleaning person for busy slaughterhouse operation. No Communists. The job is quite easy since Mel’s Meats has no windows or stairs. We are part of the heralded Fun Employment Sham Concept and pay minimum wage with no benefits. We have no maternity leave or daycare either. Vegetarian preferred. Come around to the back door before noon weekdays.Ask for Ms. Whitewash.

Hijackers needed for weekend projects in the Caribbean. Mechanical aptitude helpful. Must speak recognizable Spanish and English. Rubric Cuban, Santiago de Cuba.

What’s all this about ending the reign of the Bureau of Reclamation? Then what? Has everything really been reclaimed already? For more write Department of Suburban Asphalt and Smog, I-25, Denver, CO.

Saxophone engineer. Part time. Good pay. Could lead to full time position in Presidential Cabinet or White House Symphony. See Conductor on Pennsylvania Avenue before it’s too late.

Needed: Have Aberdeen semen, frozen direct from Scotland. Seeking heifers of fine standing. Thawing rapidly. Spring’s on the way. Meltdown eminent. Contact Gus at the Fern Chuckwagon.

The Haywire Ranch Irrigation College is now accepting students for the winter semester. Prerequisite includes sturdy shovel and some knowledge of childish civil engineering. Send transcripts c/o Dr. G. R. Lovingood, Director, School of Body Chemistry.

Lost: Small white male. Finders Keepers…Louella Parsimmons, Olathe. Will trade Harley parts for large, useable crutches. Matawan of Whitewater.

FOR SALE: Rare fountain pens used by George and Boris to sign nuclear arms pact in Moscow back a ways. On display at Team Ink. Serious inquiries only.

Hard charging corporate type wheeler-dealer who can turn his/her head needed to change tires at busy adverting agency. Good prospects for the person who can remember who drinks what in their coffee and who likes mustard, mayo, rye, white…Get it? So can you! We are a politically correct agency because it’s trendy and we all wear suspenders, even on weekends. Mortsern, Hamill and Glick, Rat Mill Pike.

Final Warning: Anyone caught with a Christmas tree still up after February 1 will be punished – E. Scrooge, Dogbreath Village.

Does your conscience often bother you? Do you lay awake at night unable to sleep? Surgery is now available. Qualm Surgical Group, Indian Massacre Highway and Wimpton Clinic.

Announcing: The First Annual DesPlants Family Reunion at the Delta County Jail on February 24-27. Bring proof of heritage, parole or release papers and covered fish. Accommodations will be provided. For more call Enselmo DesPlants at the jail.

Great Pyrenees-Chihuahua mix. Could turn out to be great smeller or speller. Ready to go on New Year’s Eve about 3:15 pm. Wanda’s Dogs and Things, Almont. Work right at home.

Night auditor needed to keep track of waste for federal government. Great pay and benefits. Proof of citizenship and familiarity with pocket calculator important. Must be able to translate from government abbreviations to English. Send brief resume to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Director of Diversion and Snow Plows, Washington DC.

Need: Happy people to operate solar car wash for wealthy man. Minimum wage plus keep 100% of tips. Contact Western Colorado Coalition for the Preservation of Minimum Wage, Montrose, CO.

Keep your cowpoke on the right range with Mel’s Cowboy Chastity Belts. Buy one before Valentine’s Day and we will give you a monogrammed snuff can lid for your wrangler’s ensemble. Darkroom Acres.

Will pay top dollar for original Iraqi jokes. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon Dance Hall in Mancos. Bad Cowboy Poets always in demand at the Fern Chuckwagon. Call Slim.

HEREFORD-POODLE MIX PUPS. Should be excellent cow dogs. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon in Tail Town.

Diluted and edited naughty perfume ads. Set of 40 videos for $100. Box 99999, Horseshoe.

NEW PROOF: Ronald Reagan almost voted for Bill Clinton back in 1992. Those voting booths get more confusing every year, don’t they! We’ll fix it in 2020. Ya sure.

Let Eddie Murphy teach your kids how to attain fame and riches through vulgarity. Send foul-mouthed tape to Alternate Education Systems, 1200 Brown Cloud Way, Commerce City, CO.

It’s time to enact the death penalty for environmental terrorists. Let’s start with the bosses over at Rocky Flats. They dumped toxic waste into the water and plutonium into the soil. If we’re serious about preserving what’s left of this planet let’s set a precedent for the future. Write your Congressman today and demand satisfaction. They (the Congress) will do anything to stay on the gravy train until the next election. For more information send SASE to Ecological Mercenaries of America, Toronto, Ontario.

POWER FORWARD desperately needed for NBA franchise in Rocky Mountain region. Travel a must. Swing shift. Send resume to Denver Nuggets.

Will purchase Ramblin’ Jack Elliot instrumentals for market price. Call Ramblin’ Jack Elliot at Talagi’s in Boulder.

Thinking about getting a flattop? We specialize in cranial excavation, refinishing, frontal irrigation, weekend lobotomies and related services. Let us prepare your head for the barber/stylist. Industrial Coiffures. We’re Blonded.

Phony Resumes. Dial 56 and hold it. KARAOKE SALON now open in Montrose. You move your mouth we move the scissors. Perms available on cassette and compact disc. Appointments available right now!

Looking for experienced bass player for Washington DC jazz combo. Gifted economist or liberal philanthropist preferred. Call Mike at White House Investments.

Alliterate poets needed for new magazine concentrating on the letter “r”. Send manuscripts to Robert de Frost c/o Gothic Aquatic Center before February 15.

RED: Forget all the philosophizing about whether the glass is half empty or half full. You’re glass seems to be empty far too often. You are a lush. Happy Birthday – ANDREA.

Will spike Christmas trees for small fee – I. M. Hipp Hugger, Water Diversion Project Ave., Wimpton.

Frackin’ Freddie’s will purchase sturdy lawn and leaf bags. Call Ms. Toxic at our Jefferson County Purchasing Office today!

Get your very own Akpatok Mink Coat before the species is totally extinct! That’s correct! A beautiful Akpatok Mink from the shores of Ungava Bay. $6500 plus postage. Also baby seal serapes, gorilla hand ash trays, ivory cigarette holders and more. Scum Importers, Cape Chidley, Newfoundland. “Where Western European traditions are alive”.

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