ROCK SOUP

New Rage: Canine tattoos – Subtle yet alarming! Non-Partisan! Tariff free! Say something to someone you love. Dag Katz, Auras and Firmaments, Pinkyville Armory.

Odor de Carne Perfume selling well in many South American cities. Franchises now available in U.S. and other emerging countries. Look for our colorful bottles where you buy tar and feathers.

According to a new directive from the Fascist Cartoon Coalition (FCC) everyone must have an Official Big Boy and Girl Journalist’s card to blog in 2019. Yes, we sell them here Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9 till noon. Please be advised that coffee breaks, branding sessions, flapjack competitions, field trips, weddings, employee parties, retirement celebrations, wine tastings, birthdays, surprise pregnancies, professional seminars, and early lunches take precedence over your silly attempts at creating lasting communique or heaven forbid, lasting literature. $99.99. Now go away.

Off- Season in Aspen! Cro-Magnon Ski Weak has been canceled due to conflicts with other special interests such as Thai Realtor Ski Week, Open-heart Surgery Survivors Ski Week, Pandora Double-wide Ski Week and Bad Decoupage Ski Week. We regret the interruption of our rituals dating back to the Druids and the Book of Kegs.

Gout sufferers get 20% off all Norwood motel accommodations through April. See our ad in the Jello Pages.

Genuine Salvation Army issue Apex Meatloaf conveyor. One owner. Was $7706, now haul it away for as little as $379. Also looking for elk foot manipulation device, antique coal-fired engine block heater and someone to work Sundays. Specializing in sun shoes and snow glasses. Motion For Motion and Lotion, Gunnison.

Aerial color photos of your ego! Inflation slightly extra. Colona Barnstorming & Supply.

FDA, the Future Deadbeats of America will be hosting a benefit dance for Minnie the Moocher followed by a field trip to Minnie’s jacuzzi. Everyone is invited.

Notice: March 7 is/was Polaski Day. You may have missed it again.

Now you can workout over the internet without all that time consuming sweat equity and commitment to regular routines. No trolls, clones or robots. For more go to www.workoutonline.org

Regain some sense of balance in your life by portraying famous Saturday morning cartoon characters at grocery store openings, barbecues, birthday parties, lynchings. Weekend work. Will train. Elmer Fudd Agency, Wimpton By-Pass.

Lose weight through exercise and a balanced diet. Too good to be true? Send $50 for complete program with easy to follow directions. Send cash only to Mother Cline Slides, 2121 Shriner’s Convention Way, Dysphagia, PA.

Is your dog or cat having trouble falling to sleep? Read them the San Juan Horseshoe. It’s chucked full of articles and features produced with pets, and all animals, in mind. Pick one up where you buy canned pet food room freshener.

Will the woman who purchased the Holy Grail at a weekend garage sale please call us and let us know who wrote the lyrics. We’re a rock and roll band and we need to learn some new songs. The Rectal Thermometers, Sapinero. PS: We need a bass player for this weekend. No zits or bad attitudes. Musical abilities forgiven.

The answer to our February Semantics Challenge is orgiastic carnival. Please hold onto your pink receipts. A winner will be announced on June 32.

Anyone possessing information regarding illegal sheep shearing operations in Montrose County should call the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Television before noon on Thursday. You may remain analogous. High level security clearance necessary to claim reward.

Attention hackers: tarzanandjane.com will be shut down until July 15. At that time we will restart as cheetahandjane.org. We regret any inconvenience that we have caused ourselves over this matter. Ungawa Google. No cell phones. No Irish.

Mercenaries/carpetbaggers needed to man heavy equipment as part of Mike Pence’s Invasion of Canada. The entire operation should last until the hockey strike is settled or until the entire Canadian National Health Care Program can be dismantled and hauled back across the border somewhere between Antlerand Lignite, North Dakota. Anyone wishing to secure hotel accommodations in Oxbow, Saskatchewan is encouraged to call the local chamber of commerce. Send resume to Toronto or New York offices in Indianapolis or just show up ready for work on May 15.

Lost: Family size tub of salsa near Ironton Park Transit System last Wednesday. If found please return to E. Muffin, c/o Rasta State Food Bank of Boulder.

Red: I checked the work release list for May and you’re not on it. Still want to take me to the prom? I get paid on the 15th – Happy.

Reasonably attractive Voronezh weight lifter seeks submissive male for field trips, possible dinner. American preferred. Blind Box 445, Voronezh, Russia.

Sick of credit card reps crashing your funeral? Pay before you go with IDIOT CARD. It’s simple: We take out the exact amount of money that we think you might spend per month and put it away for estate settlements, unforeseen medical bills, late in life barmitvahs and gambling debts. Offices in major cities worldwide and in Grand Junction.

Need someone to walk my plants while I’m in California for spring run-off. Nikkie at San Miguel Symbiotics.

Will the dashing mariachi bagpiper who stole my purse please return it to the Happy Face Meat Packing Plant before noon. I know you only borrowed it because it matched your kilts. I’ll buy you lunch – Baghdad Betty

Found: Expensive looking wedding ring. Still attached to left hand of large, ill-tempered woman who refuses anything that’s reasonable. Need the assistance of experienced surgeon. Will split take. Mack the Hack in Ridgway.

Learn to talk like someone from the north woods. $15. We bring the beer, you bring the fish – unless you can’t swim. Hurdy-hurdy. Terrell LaBatt.

Don’t miss The Lost Horizon performed live by the original cast during the Ides of May. For tickets and information call the Shagrila Theater in Pea Green.

Sick of all the hassles associated with bourgeoisie recycling and related mantras? Call Renaissance Man Refuse and we’ll sort your trash for you. That’s correct! In just four short days all your debris will be delivered back to your residence or business in handy, clean, compact, hermetically sealed little garbage bags ready for the recycling bin. Our rates are reasonable and our technicians are college educated. Why fool with messy recycling ever again! Renaissance Man Debris, Wimpton Bay Road.

For sale: Genuine backwards alphabet flash cards. Perfect gift for the drunk driver. Buy before June 1 and we’ll throw in a license and registration rolodex. Syd Farhd Enterprises, Delta, CO 81416.

FOR SALE: Heavy duty perambulator. Used only during the Cultural Revolution. Will trade for sleazy capitalistic rock and roll recordings in comparable condition. Jim Bob “Slim” Wong’s Trading Post, Manana.

Antique piano to give away. This baby may have seen action at Chancellorsville for all we know. We can’t stand to see it just sit here collecting dust humming a sick rendition of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”/”Dixie”. It won’t work with barbershop tunes but could be a fine addition to the parlor. Eats hay and oats but has a keen attraction to Dutch caviar when nobody’ around. Box 8, Horseshoe.

Schleswig-Holstein bull seeks mate for companionship, possible romance. No dairy cows. Send photograph and short bio to Alsace or Loraine, Colona Tenderloin.

Our locally grown hens lay humidor baseballs at the rate of about sixteen per nine innings. (Slightly more during night games.) Winner take all. Can be stewed too. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Major Fields, Denver Bears.

One coconut…three Polynesian quasi-conversions. Can’t believe it? Send $25 and find out today!

Part-time organist needed. Send resume to Colorado Rockies. Prefer someone well versed in relief pitching analysis. Bud at Coors Field.

Communist Party Girls for any occasion. Some looking for rich, good looking men in fur hats. Phone Sexists welcome. Pravda Night Scene, Moscow.

Surrogate joggers needed to fulfill health fantasies of workaholics. Send recent times in the 440 and mile relay to Armageddon Athletics, Roadtown.

The state of Colorado is seeking bids for the acquisition and deployment of some 2000 gallons of that blue toilet stuff before tourist season. Rivers affected are as follows: The Gunnison (400 gallons), The Uncompahgre (300 gallons), The San Miguel (300 gallons), The Slate (150 gallons), The Animas (600 gallons), The Dolores (300 gallons). A successful summer tourist season starts with clean rivers and streams!

Telluride Time Tips by Tina will not be appearing this month as Tina is still busy getting her 2018 Christmas gifts in the mail. “The post office is so slow, you know,” said Tina.

Bagpiping enthusiast seeks potential mate familiar with a cappella performances sans kilt. Stable Charley at Buffalo Loins.

Don’t forget: May 25 is the final deadline for refunds from the 2017-2018 Unused Firewood Tax Credit Act. Stop by your local cornhouse for more.

FREE fertilizer. Well aged through the winter. Some believed to be lynx and bull moose. Silverton Town Park. Open dawn to dusk. Bring a bucket.

Scapegoat milk and cheese. Will deliver in county. Crossfire Farms. Located just north, west or south of the Montrose Airport runway.

The Gunnison County Association for Fallen Away Irishmen is holding its annual bake sale during National Tavern Month. Free pickled eggs, bean dip and a ride home with purchase over $50.

Druid folk tales analyzed by official looking persons in white coats and plastic stethoscopes filled with custard-like substance akin to menudo with braised haggis. Want to know more. Call the Plow and the Star Tavern, Cambridge, MA  02139.

Jane: I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight. You bring the cheesecake – Martin.

New proof: St Patrick goes perch fishing with Santa Claus, Kid Valentine and the Easter Bunny all summer.

Chronic Sandbaggers: Apply today for seasonal work in Gunnison, Delta and Durango. Bring a shovel, boots and that winning smile.

Beginning June 10 local police units will apprehend suspected enemies of the state for deployment to summer camps all across this great land. If you are an enemy of the state kindly be packed and ready to go by late June 1. If you do not know if you are an enemy of the state please call your local law enforcement cartel. Thanks.

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