Ridgway Considers Vowel Movement

(Dallas Creek) The Town of Ridgway may lose substantial funding if it does not comply with federal guidelines on vowel usage. The spelling of the town, actually named for an obscure railroad official who spelled his name Ridgway, will have to adhere to uniform guidelines as established by Congress, or jeopardize continued highway and civic financing.

Many visitors would be much more comfortable spelling Ridgway with an e (while butchering Ouray with a variety of digraphs and diphthongs) which could solve the problem for everyone. Of corpse, amid the rampant growth there are a few old timers who would like to keep things the same as they once were. They will be deported if they create problems.

“Most of the newcomers think they’re in suburban Telluride anyway and we don’t expect any backlash,” said Olivia Tinkleholland, an executive spelling specialist from back east. “I’ve won over 4000 spelling bees since the first grade and in every match the audience barely exhibited attention to detail.”

Sources within the Department of Homeland Security slammed earlier reports that the Ute translation of the word Ridgeway means literally “place of ridges” saying instead that the spelling Ridgway is roughly translated as “that white guy that drives the train”.

“Now who’s gonna argue with an entire nation?” asked one senate hopeful on his rounds in Colona. “Talk about politically incorrect! I am 1% Native American and

Ridgway has until January 15 to become Ridgeway. Despite the potential loss of hundreds of dollars there is a grass roots movement brewing that calls for the secession of the entire Uncompahgre valley from the Mexico or current resident.

“We’ve had a lot of interest from other communities wanting to join our little confederacy too,” said Hempmorgan Smythe, a gentleman farmer from Pleasant Valley. “I like all this revolutionary fervor,” he smiled raising his fist to the sky. “My only real problem with restructuring society is that is that I’m quite rich and I don’t cotton to sharing my pile. But who knows,” he laughed, “before long we’ll all be holding tea parties, wearing perukes and rationalizing slavery just like our founding fathers.”

– Dag Katz

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