Reverend Lauds Valhalla as White Heaven

(Hell, Norway) A strip mall evangelist last night told his dripping flock that heaven wasn’t for everyone, especially if you happen to be of color. Rev Arthur H. Snow, a lifestyle polygamist and legendary cakewalk anchor, further contended that the name of the place was not Heaven at all, but was called Valhalla.

“Valhalla is definitely a gated community and only admits Aryans and other Northern Europeans,” he said, offering no further resource for his claims. “Jesus was a Visigoth and Valhalla is his home,” continued Snow. “Look at all the pictures of him. He’s white. He ain’t no Semitic. He’s not even Italian. He just has a nice tan from spending all that time preaching in the desert and such.”

At that a discomforting quiet came over the room as the assembled had never heard of Visigoths and were not sure they liked them. The name sounded evil.

“Don’t worry about marauding Visigoths,” Snow added quickly. “They were once barbarians but now their Christians and little buddies of the Lord.”

A sigh of relief was heard as the congregation smiled contentedly at the news that another pack of pagans had seen the light. They waited, arms folded in their faithful laps for another outburst from their favorite cleric. The collection plate made its way around the room and Snow cleared his throat for another go-round.

According to the reverend in a closing sermon, all this ashes-to-ashes and dust-to-dust status did not apply to the chosen assembled here.

“Sinners and non-believers will face the ashes and dust judgment,” he decried, “You bet…but the faithful can take their bodies, bank accounts, guns, even their cars to this promised land of milk and honey.”

-Jim Crow

Filed Under: Soft News


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