Return of Fort Sumter High on White House Priorities

(Charleston SC) Recent demands by the White House that Fort Sumter be returned to the United States illustrates a humiliatingly dimwitted perception of history, while simultaneously threatening to alienate an entrenched zombie support base deep in Dixie.

Not only was the fort in question returned to the US after Appomattox, but the site has served little logistical importance since the 1860s. It has just sat out there, gathering dust, its history in the fog for jingo flag flickers. Ignorance of the country”s basic history by a Commander in Chief was called appalling and pigheaded by adversaries, yet over 40% of Americans had not yet found the fort on a map at press time.

“Charleston Harbor, although quite beautiful in its own right, has not been on the firing line, even in a diplomatic sense, since hoop skirts were in fashion,” said a chamber of comments source here. “What has survived is now a National Monument and represents nothing strategic unless perhaps one happens to be a seal or land crab.”

Meanwhile in the Trump camp advisors expressed disdain that their boss had shown his mindless grasp of the nation’s history once again. Several were particularly put off by the president’s claim that had he been on the scene in 1861 he would have won the day.

“Maybe he could try his saber rattling in Puerto Rico, mused one journalist who has disappeared after filing a story that lambasts the president and the GOP. “At least Fort Sumer has electricity and running water.”

A large segment of Trump supporters are loyal sons and daughters of the Confederacy and make up a large portion of that base in November. A majority of these throwback historians don’t know the difference between Chancellorsville and Chattanooga. One satirical account suggests that Trump demand that Cuba give back Miami or that Russians give back Coney Island.

It ain’t in the Bible so it does not exist, chimed one intellect from the gene puddle. “Far as I’m concerned those Yankees can have the fort lock, stock and barrel.”

– Small Mouth Bess

    

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