Return Foul Balls or Beer Prices Go Up at Coors

(Denver) The Colorado Rockies announced today that unless fans begin returning home run and foul balls from the bleachers, beer prices would increase at Coors Field. Traditionally balls that land in the stands have been kept as souvenirs.

The move was not received well by many fans who see the change as restrictive and contrary to baseball tradition.

“This amounts to nothing short of an ultimatum,” said one season ticket holder. “The idea of returning a ball hit out of play in un-American, like forgetting the words to Take me Out To The Ballgame. “We will not be denied our day in the sun,” he said from a shady seat along the third base line.

Already a beer boycott is in the wings which threatens the fiscal health of the sports franchise.

“With high salaries and operating expenses we can no longer let fans walk away with baseballs,” said a spokesman for the club. “Between beers sold during the game and recycled balls we can pay for two utility outfielders and half a backup catcher. We’re just trying to balance the books. It’s nothing personal.”

In short,” said a source in the accounting department, “Rockies’ fans will have to return the balls or pay more for beer.”

The source would not elaborate as to the likelihood that mindless sideshows and promotions will be affected by the announcement.

“The Rockies could cut to the chase and terminate all the non-baseball events going on in the stadium between innings” said the fan from above. “We just want to hold onto our keystone culture in a world that increasingly sees these customs as irrelevant. Baseball defines us. It’s as American as catching a foul ball or sipping a cold beer on a hot afternoon and we haven’t even touched on peanuts and hot dogs.”

-Rica “Suga” Beets

Filed Under: Soft News

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