PURITANS LAND IN MASS. EN MASSE

(Salem — 1928) A large group of dark-clad, clearly anxious pilgrims calling themselves Puritans have landed on the rocky coast near Marblehead just to the east of here. According to eye witnesses within the indigenous population the funny looking aliens wore stiff collars and wool dress despite the harsh summer weather.

Estimates say there were over 300 of the bug-eyed, somber arrivals. While the actual landing was carried off in an organized manner, several of those present worked until dark unloading crates of guilt which they intended to share with the natives. The New World guilt was processed on the island of Monserrat by Irish slave children, survivors of the Cromwell wars. Much of the cargo replaced reason and compassion on the wooden ships.

“We just ran out of room and opted to keep our weapons, our rigid ideas and a good helping of guilt so as to embrace the future for continental generations to come,” said Orville Pulpitt, an elder said to favor hair shirts and is prone to epic sermons. Unfamiliar with a sextant (which was invented in 1731) Pulpitt took to calling out the demons in the sea and splashing himself with salt water in what some say was an attempt to control seizures brought on by an advanced case of the scurvy.

Puritan missionary work in North America

It is not known if this brand of Calvinism would take root in the New World or if the Roundheads, long persecuted in England, would tolerate other religious ideologies in the forests of New England. Already rumors reaching Europe tell of witch burnings and castigation of fringe/liberal church members.

One member of local Pennacook tribe expressed concern about the new neighbors, saying they appeared pompous and judgmental despite the peaceful message in their sacred guidebook. He plans to move north to avoid potential conflict with the zealots.   

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Coaxing rain drops on a dry Colorado afternoon is like raising the flag on a lover who has fallen asleep.”

– Susanne Composte

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder

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