Feds Trail Sleigh During Historic Trek

(North Pole) A combined alphabet operation by the FBI, CIA, OSHA, ATF and the FDA has produced little according to a report filed at the Star Wars Defense Center on Ellesmere Island. When the feds arrived at the North Pole they found the place pretty much deserted.

“It looked like the terrorists had been making toys and the like for some time here,” said Agent Arthur Rambeau, of the FBI. “They thought they were outside the long arm of the law, didn’t they…Ha! Sooner or later they had to know that we’d corner them!”

The pre-dawn raid aimed at trapping elves suspected of harboring dangerous un-American thought, was concocted by nervous elements of the Shadow Government anxious to get the show on the road. It was approved on fairway number seven by one of the lame ducks White House.

“There’s nothing red, white and blue about myths like Santa and the elves. It’s a negative distraction at a time when we seek to return the United States to Cold War status when gas was cheap and people believed in their elected officials,” said Rambeau.     

The acronymic assault was organized in the Northwest Territories where only polar bears and seals have eyes and ears. It was supported by combined elements of the United States military, which were told they were fighting the war on drugs, although nothing, with the possible exception of walrus fur, thrives up here.

According to the official report, completed moments after initial contact was confirmed, indications were that the objective was secure and that a stubborn rear guard of elves was in custody. As it turns out a heavily armed Ms. (Sandra) Claus and a skeleton crew of commando elves with poison-dart slingshots had managed to hold off the feds for about three hours before running out of Cuban rum and capitulating.

“The scene here is sketchy what with all the snow,” said the agent. “I can confirm that we have about ten insurgents under lock and key but that we too are out of provisions.”

The date for the raid was based on information that Santa and his elves would not leave the premises until December 24 to make their annual round the world journey. However, with the increase in population, global warming, airline agendas and the unstable political climate here the group departed early.

“We knew that Santa was on the hot seat, facing a vote of confidence in the elfin legislature,” said Rambeau. He was probably more secure out of the country than in it. We wanted to catch him (Santa) with is knickers down.”

Conjecture has it that Santa has been repeatedly seen in the company of buxom Lulu Boomer, an exotic dancer from Churchill, Manitoba, happy, despite the comforts of holy matrimony. Federal spooks had hoped they could link Santa, a fallen away Canadian, with a seriously promiscuous lifestyle above the Arctic Circle.

“Who’s going to allow their kids to sit on the lap of an adulterer, or worse a man who is just a little left of Pyongyang,” asked Rambeau. “We’ve been going through Santa’s trash since earlier this evening and we’ve found letters from little kids in Iraq and Cuba, as well as North Korea. We even found a letter from a kid in Serbia asking for a bicycle…Now what does she intend to do with that? Are these are rogue nations undeserving of Christmas presents?” he pouted.

As soon as the situation is in hand here, the FBI and CIA will begin trailing Santa and his reindeer in hopes of cutting them off from these illegal destinations like Havana and Baghdad. It is not known if these actions will undermine attempts by the North Pole to adopt U.S. currency by 2021.

– Small Mouth Bess

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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