(Las Vegas) Tons upon tons of global-active pop culture waste begins its arduous trek to the sinks and basins of the Silver State this week. The controversial transport of the highly outrageous  substances was approved by federal health authorities early this morning over the protests of sheepmen and casino owners from Bunkerville to Winnemucca.

“We don’t want pop culture waste dumped in our state,” said one gambling interest here. “Sure the stuff may look safe, packed away in its heat sensitive, hermetically sealed barrels, but what if it seeps out or simply refuses to go away?” he said. “Just because Nevada is perceived for the most part as a large, barren wind-swept badlands — we get the prize? What about Utah? The feds could dump popular culture waste on Salt Lake City for the next 100 years and no one would notice.”

Officially, popular culture waste is defined as the residue from mass culture that is virtually shallow and worthless yet global in proportion. Software, fast food, professional sports clothing, soft drinks, hype magazines, trendy fashion, trite music, television, slang, hair styles, Hollywood, video games, and methods of commerce are most visible, while banking, law enforcement, work ethics and religious affiliation round out the shadow culture currently being exported.

Marked USA, this mindlessly generated pollution is ravenously consumed by emerging nations that should be more interested in preserving age-old culture, feeding people and raising their standard of living.

“It’s shocking to see an Islamic militant preaching the destruction of the West in a Los Angeles Dodger hat,” said one former Mideast diplomat. “Deep down we are quite different although on the surface we’re looking pretty much the same.”

According to the latest estimates the pop culture litter, slowly fermented from the flood of consumer goods, could quickly fill up Western Canada. Discarded fast food wrappers and discarded televisions alone could cover up the ground surface of Alberta in just a few weeks.

A parade of unmarked trucks will take an undisclosed route to the dumps due to heightened security and the threat of sabotage. Pop culture icons such as Donald Trump and Martha Stewart will ride shotgun.

Upon arrival most of the waste will be safely stored in secure bunkers made of space-age aluminum, plastic and reinforced dirt. The rest will be recycled into new glitter for future consumption insuring the continuity of the phenomenon.

Looters will be shot on sight.

– Melvin Toole



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