(Gunnison) Tiny Parlin has been named the nation’s safest city, narrowly edging Detroit and Los Angeles for the honor. The surprising results were extracted after extensive polling and months of door to door interviews conducted by the Crime Fighters Anonymous, Tree City Ventures, Community Options, the Urban League and the local fire department.

“We are  pretty darn proud of our town,” said Chuck “Salt” Flats, who has resided in the town for over 70 years. “We haven’t had this much attention since Alder Creek flooded Quartz Creek and the Utes came to town.”

It is surmised that the accolade will dramatically increase tourism during the summer months.

Visitors to Colorado are always looking for something new and different,” said Flats. “Although Parlin is not new and is not particularly different it’s really a nice spot for fishing and a picnic. Hey, it’s even romantic!”

The winning decision was based on crime rate and lifestyle which is enjoyed by Parlin’s residents year round. Even the livestock were consulted. Within the population only one crime was committed which turned out to be a misunderstanding, back in 1947, when a disoriented motorist from Ohio City failed to pay for a Dixie cup’s worth of gasoline.

“And she returned to pay the 4 cents the next day,” said Flats, a former military policeman. “We can’t be sure what’s causing all this calm. Maybe it’s the street lights or the fact that everyone here is armed…but something is working.”

Residents will meet over the weekend to discuss where to exhibit the fifty foot trophy that is expected to arrive by Pony Express next month. – Rufus Maxwell

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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