PGA Bombshell: Robots Play On The Tour

Jacksonville – The PGA Tour has finally come clean on the matter of AI Robots playing in Tour events.

Tour spokesperson, P.R. Imalion, when pressed by reporters in a pre-Players Championship press conference, admitted to the group that, yes, in fact there are three tours players who are not human, but rather humanoid and whose mental capacity is based on Artificial Intelligence.

The questioning came as a result of swing analysis aired on the Golf Channel showing the remarkably consistent mechanics of some of the tour players. The show’s guest had made a remark that the swings were almost robotic in grace and repeatability.

“I think that these players have swings that are so repeatable and precise that it reminds me of the precision found in computer generated tooling,” proclaimed former tour player Nick Diamond.

There was also the incident where an event sponsor suffered two broken bones in his hand during a handshake with Osaka Katatobe earlier in the season. The sponsor said it felt like he was shaking hands with King Kong.

The idea of robotic tour players has always been the subject of joking and speculation among the players and fans of Tour Golf. Now an official has said out loud that it is reality.

While admitting to their presence, the spokesperson was unwilling to name names, saying that to reveal their identity would be to compromise their privacy.

“We respect their right to be who they are. Since their presence is basically undetectable and they are functional and competitive members of the Tour, it would be wrong to ‘out’ them as some would call it,” the Tour spox said.

“Is Katatobe one of them?” an NBC anchor pressed the matter.

“I am sorry but I cannot comment on identities,” Imalion stood firm.

One reporter from a Sporting News asked if any of the ‘bots had won an event.

“First, it is demeaning to refer to them as ‘bots,” Imalion admonished the media folks. “I mean we are way past Iron Byron,” she said, referring to the mechanical club-swinging machine that has been used for decades to test golf balls and club shafts.

“These special people are just like you and me, except that they were not born and reared the way we were.”

Imalion then went on to the answer the question by saying that in two cases since the three began as regular players on the tour just over 18 months ago, two of the three have won an event, and one of those was a major.

The press tent erupted as the gathered media clan demanded, in a single voice, to know who the winners were. Imalion refused to release the name of the non-human Tour winners.

“Somebody had to build them and program them and set them up on the tour. Who was that?” prodded the Times Picayune scribe.

“The three came to us through the sports management company that owns them, and produced, or nurtured them,” she said.

“With the two who won events, who got the prize money?” the ESPN reporter asked while the rest of the room mumbled.

Imalion told the media folks that the funds were paid to the management company since they are responsible for the “players.”

“Which management company?” the Chicago Tribune writer demanded.

“I am not at liberty to say. If you want to know more I will have to have you talk to the Tour Director.

“You know that within ten minutes of us leaving this room we will know who they are and then we will find them. It’s what we do,” The Tribune writer glared at the Tour spokesman. “If you aren’t ready to tell us the whole story then why did you even open your mouth today?”

“I’m sorry that’s all we have time for today,” Imalion hurried off the podium and out the back door of the pressroom.

 – Michael Cox

“Genius is never recognized while the subject is living. That’s why we endorse reincarnation.” – Gabby Haze.

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