Pet Escrow Ordinance Adopted by Council

“Did you just call me a moron?”

(Crested Butte) In what has been called the most innovative step ever taken by the local town council, the controversial Doggy Duty Ordinance passed unanimously last night. The law, which requires prospective dog owners to put up as much as $2,000 in escrow with the town before acquiring a pet, is aimed at controlling the irresponsible.

The escrow fund is officially designated to pay for projected fines and other expenses involved in raising a dog. It is expected that some people will think twice about becoming a pet owner considering the commitment. Furthermore the council thinks people who decide to acquire a dog will be less likely to abandon the animal with all that money invested.

“It’s a winner,” said one supporter who says he intends to put up $250,000 to make sure his dogs are financially secure in the event of his own demise. “I think it’s the responsibility of every pet owner to see that the animal has a good sturdy upbringing and a real shot at success whether it be with government or the private sector. College is a definite for my two collies.”

The action comes on the heels of accusations that the town council sauteed funds from the 2016 Alley Loop Race and hardboiled the evidence. After one outspoken member was grilled Friday it appeared there was more to the story than was on the menu, so everyone broke for lunch.

“Nobody did anything illegal,” said a spokesman for the mayor’s office. It seems that any decision we make is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.”

In other business three members of the council voted to table discussion with regards to complaints from landlords that tenants are stockpiling dung in rental units.

“The property owners and their agents say the renters are using the dung to braid their hair and they plan to issue eviction notices Monday,” said an elected official. “We’re just trying to head off the conflict until the end of ski season.

– Dag Katz

“I may not be all that intelligent, but I’m accessorized.”

– Melvin Toole, polysynthetic linguist, ham-handed flight surgeon, weekend podiatrist.


Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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