Pentagon to Release Cartoon Show

(Arlington, VA) What ever happened to the refined violence common to Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Pie? Wasn’t the punch of Mighty Mouse enough to inspire primitive instincts in children? Apparently not.

This morning the Pentagon, frustrated over what members say is “no more than animated Congressional grandstanding,” has announced the completion of its first cartoon pilot entitled Bazooka Joe and Friends. It will air this weekend.

The cartoon, which features military tactics that might impress the likes of Napoleon, is the brainchild of General Worthington Bulbous, the 300-pound war horse/illustrator who has given himself so many battlefield commendations (right there from his desk drawer) that he can barely stand. He even wears the medals to bed. Aides say its the shear weight of his accomplishments, and not the Old Forester from the night before, that causes him to be so difficult in the morning. Either way, the man has enough brass to construct a suspension bridge across the Potomac.

The cartoon cast, all of them volunteers, reside in the endless system of Pentagon tunnels attempting to evade the alien oil creatures from the planet Opaque, who seek to pacify them. If the story line isn’t original the level of violence certainly is, leading to concerns on the part of parents and teachers that the show is destructive.

“Bazooka Joe sends the wrong message to our kids,” said Patsy Paste-Smith, a principal at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High, in suburban Virginia. These cartoons are far too life-like and far to itchy to pull the nuclear trigger.”

Sources at the Pentagon defend the program in that it may work well as a recruiting tool and gives the military a safe place to test weaponry.

“Bazooka Joe is the perfect recruiter,” said Bulbous. “Just watch his tear-jerking plea convincing the other cartoons to get up and fight! We want to educate the kids as to the advantages of war while they’re still young enough to enjoy it in its purist form. Explosions, dematerializing and capitulation to fire power are part of their sacred legacy here in these United States,” said the general.

A stunning cameo, by Uncle Scam himself, will highlight the first episode while the inventive neutron bomb ring and decoder will be featured down the road.

All profits from the broadcast will be used to paint the Pentagon camouflage as a defense against the imagined incursions of guerrillas operating out of the Zoological Gardens somewhere north or south of here.

-Suzie Compost

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