Extraterrestrial visits up 

(Silverton) The number of alien visitors to Western Colorado increased almost 40% over last fall according to watchdog groups focusing on non-traditional tourism. The biggest jumps came in the communities of Silverton and Ouray where extraterrestrials mobbed restaurants and shops sending sales tax figures through the roof of the cosmos.

“They especially liked western clothing, you know, cowboy duds,” said one merchant on Greene Street. “They bough hats and boots like they were going out of style. They bought everything on credit cards even if the duds didn’t fit their oddly-rounded heads and branch-like feet.”

A carnival atmosphere lingered in nearby Ouray all the way through December with alien couples. traveling without off-spring making up a majority of the crowd.

“They came to see the autumn colors and stayed hoping to catch the first snowfall,” according to jeep tour operators who added that the aliens were much more knowledgeable and far more generous than other traditional summer groups.

According to tourist information statistics one out of every three train passengers was from outer space while almost 90% of the above highway air traffic was composed of people from other planets and solar systems.

“Their nervous little dogs were a bit much,” quipped one information booth jockey, “and they were armed with the same questions as tourists from the flatlands of earth. Sure, the conversation gets old but they has cash in hand.

“Aliens are not cheap and compared to other visitors are not afraid to spend money,” said a bartender at the Miner’s Tavern. “They’d come through the door somewhat anxious at first but after they saw the scene here they were quick to relax and get into it. We even had a few in the Friday pool tournaments.”

While other communities reported a slight increase in inter-planetary sojourns San Juan and Ouray Counties appear to have benefited most from the stopovers.

“Many of them were on their way to Las Vegas or the Grand Canyon and we are a convenient call,” said the information specialist. “They look different to be sure but no stranger than a lot of our clientele over the years. Some have even checked out the real estate but were often run off by the prices.”

In a related incident the Executive Board of Spatial Profile and Redistribution of Wealth has concluded that the fastest way to peace on the planet earth is to remove greedy elements from the population. Most members of the Trump Administration are already gone and a master hit list has been circulated throughout the immediate region. To see if your name is on the list please call 1-800-HOW-MUCH.

Burger Giant Offers “Soylent Greens”

(Obesity Springs) Pop culture icon and fast food baron Ronald McDonald has announced a new menu item aimed at appealing to healthier Americans. The addition, called Soylent Green will replace salads and low-fat items currently offered in his restaurants.

Soy burgers and turnip fries have fallen on their respective faces, with consumers abandoning long held routines in search of less healthy experiences in the drive-up lane. McDonald and his cast of clowns feels strongly that soylent green will fill the void between fats and sugar while giving its customers something new to chew on.

“The availability of this innovative sustenance, a cutting-edge recycled organic substance, is a driving force in the decision to embrace this new age cuisine. The recent GOP provoked chucking of corpus delicti statutes hasn’t hurt us either.”

Nutritionists say that while the new food is soggy, it is quite green and, after continued exposure, will be accepted by hungry consumer robots much like the hot dog.

“Go West, young man. It smells like a feedlot around here.”

– Horace Greeley

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder


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