O’Toole ineligible for matching funds

(Colona) Juniper berry gigger, micro-commodities analyst and weekend social critic Melvin O’Toole has been be dropped from the rolls of the worthy when it comes to matching funds from corpulent government and religious entities in 2020.

“I was counting on the cash flow to make it to distilling season,” wept the 101-year-old when told of his pert disqualification on moral grounds. “Now it looks like I’ll have to have my gold teeth pulled and melt down my college bowling trophies just to afford green fees.”

O’Toole reportedly angered the control committee when he suggested that very few Edith Bunkers would be voting GOP and that the annoying and insincere corporate slogan “reaching out” could easily be taken as sexual assault.

“They wanted me to be on their team so they could dictate policy but I am not all that dumb,” quacked the elderly soil master. “I don’t join teams and I am not a robot. I do not reach out!”

The weak-kneed blow comes on the heels of an announcement that the Colorado Division of Transportation and the Colorado Department of Mental Health have combined agencies. The development, called a cost saving move by overpaid bureaucrats, has been criticized as an attempt to help people who don’t need these services and ignore citizens who might benefit from the combination of wet asphalt, garage door therapy and border-line psychosis.

Yet another revelation, chronicling the abrupt and methodical mass movement of black bears from the United States to Canada, has emerged, clouding the playing field and putting O’Toole’s standing on the back burner. Animal behaviorists who at first downplayed the mammal migration, now say it is linked to lack of juniper berries in traditional feeding environs.

O’Toole, once a bastion of fine literary output, has fallen on barren times, suffering from writer’s block and residual constipation disarming his will to pen further epistles. He blames a diet of kosher hot dogs, parsnip pudding and dried seaweed while persons familiar with his daily regimen point to a warm relationship 12-year-old Ron Caldas.

The scalding controversy has left the slow food industry in the dust while vegetarian headcheese and water-based gherkins threaten to fill the void just in time the holidays.

Meanwhile O’Toole is recovering from a vicious deer bite inflicted on tee box number 15 at Cedaredge Golf Course last week.

“That’s the last time I’ll get high with local wildlife,” he crowed.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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